AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

So it’s a course that’s open to anyone, but you think it should be limited only to people you approve of going? It’s not up to anyone else, much less this other mum, to turn down opportunities for other children to appease you or your DS.

Of course he can, didn’t say he couldn’t.

not sure why there’s so much exaggeration on this post.

It’s not like a football club or holiday camp. I’m aware I might not be describing it well and that’s probably frustrating but it’s very niche and connected to my job so I don’t want to say too much more.

It’s not something that this child would have been likely to go to on their own accord as you need a skilled adult and at least some specialised equipment to do it and there is a bit of a learning curve at first. I completely get the examples you’ve given as even if I booked just my son and his friend in, there would undoubtably be tons of other kids there, they’d be put in big groups and have to get on with it. I would never expect anything different.

It’s not quite the play date scenario as I won’t be supervising (unless I get roped in) but it’s quite far from an open group setting.

I also used my daughter, a child, as an example. Is that ok or…?

That is a great idea and i had thought to do that, but it’s not going to be possible before the course for various reasons unfortunately

Of course he can. He can play with his friend whenever he wants. I’m facilitating and paying for him to do it though, which isn’t something I’d have signed up for.

i don’t know why you are so angry.

That’s awful and completely inappropriate. That is not the case here. If anything it is the opposite. DS has had the empathy award so many times and the teachers constantly praise him for being so caring. But it’s to a point where I think he feels obliged to perform that role for others and look out for them and I’m sure it adds to his anxiety.

You’re being a bit precious, you can’t exclude others from enjoying the same opportunities as your son simply because he has social anxiety issues.

We had a similar situation... Booked DC o
in to a summer camp with one friend but then some other parents asked what summer camp my child was doing and booked their child on too. I did feel bad for the first friend and their mum, but I couldn't really tell the other parents not to book 🤷‍♀️

'Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety.'

Is that what used to be called being a bit shy?

I see your point, since you paid for the tickets. It’s like if you invited a friend to a concert and bought their ticket, then they turned around and invited one of their other friends. Yes, it’s a public event, but buying tickets for a friend implies that it’s just you and them going together.

Thank you so much for understanding this. We regularly put him into situations that he dreads because he can’t hide from what he fears.

But he sometimes needs a break. In hindsight I possibly should have chosen something else. When I invited his friend, organised and paid for them to do it together, I just wasn’t expecting his friend to add another friend into the mix.

I feel sorry for this third little boy, who will have no idea that his future presence at a kids’ activity has caused all this upset. I would be so annoyed if I thought that my kid wanting to attend something had caused another mum to go ‘ahhh but that’s not what I want!’.

Maybe the second mum (i.e. mum of the ‘approved’ kid) in this scenario is putting her son first (as is her right) and is making sure this isn’t an intense one to one experience for her son.

I think people are missing the point that you invited, booked and paid for the other child as an activity so your son and his friend can have a day out together and now this mum has invited a stranger which will possibly isolate your son. If it was just your son and friend it’s almost guaranteed they would be spending the day together. But now he is hosting his other friend, your son is more likely to be excluded from the conversation leading him to feel isolated and possibly worse than if he attended alone.

i do think it’s rude what she has done. It’s similar to her child being invited to a day out for your son’s birthday at a soft play and her inviting another friend along for her son to play with. Yes of course she hasn’t broken any laws, but as you paid for her son and presumably she never asked you if you didn’t mind her inviting the extra child? it comes across thoughtless at the very least and I would be very wary about arranging anything again with her as she clearly doesn’t take other peoples feelings into consideration. I would feel like she didn’t think my son was enough and feel angry that he may feel rejected, but in reality we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea (and vice versa) and need to work out who our people really are and find them :) just see how it goes and if your suspicions are right just move on from it, be polite but just don’t bother inviting them again. I do hope your son is ok and it works out to be ok on the day xxx

If I was concerned that something would be an intense situation for my child, I’d simply decline the invite, not accept, allow someone else to pay for my child and then change the dynamic.

If you're saying that this is something like you have offered to take your son and a friend to, let's say, a couple of hours of wakeboarding at a club you volunteer at (is that somewhat comparable?), and your son's friend's mum has decided to invite another kid along to this, that is a little strange and I would be privately perturbed. However, you have to look at it as an opportunity for your son to learn to roll with the punches, as life is full of moments like this. I can see you already know that and I assume are just venting.😊

You can’t edit a post after someone has replied to it.

If you are going to be mad about something, make sure you are right first.

She is not unreasonable but she is a bit insensitive.

I've been the child with social anxiety. The best thing you can do imo is to just let it play out. Let him go. Let him cope. Your role is to tell him how much fun it's going to be. How he's going to be fine with the other kid. The more the merrier. Even if you don't believe it. Especially if you don't believe it.

Then when it's done let him decompress. Focus on all the positives. Tell him how proud you are that he went.

I wish someone had done that for me.

My DD had horrific social and generalised anxiety from basically birth so I get how hard it can be however, hiding your son from situations isn't going to help in the long run, they need exposure to uncomfortable situations to be able to grow as a person and to be able to manage their anxieties. The school mum is neither here nor there, it's not up to her to manage your son's anxiety.

I’m surprised how the vote has gone on this OP.
Maybe things have changed but when my kids were younger, if someone had organised and paid for them to do something I would never have dreamt it would be ok to add another child (especially without asking first)
Do you normally get on ok with the mum?

You really can't do this imho. It just makes you look strange and controlling. I understand you're not happy about this but it is what it is.

I changed my vote after reading your updates. I actually think the other mum is out of order in this case.

There’s a lot more to it than being a bit shy. Social anxiety prevents people from being able to interact with others without severe mental anguish over how to recognise social cues and behave in a way society doesn’t consider unusual or weird. It’s debilitating and isolating because the slightest social faux pas leads to judgement and derision.