AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

Sorry I missed the point where you booked and paid for the trip. Thats different. But surely you're not expected to pay for the extra child. I'd be annoyed too.

This describes the scenario so well, thank you for articulating it.

There is bit of skill involved so my son’s friend and new friend will naturally be paired up as they’ll be similar level and that creates a dynamic I hadn’t really signed up for.

I think more people are hung up on the son having anxiety. It’s the buying 2 tickets for 2 kids to go together issue for me. I’m with you—if my child gets bought a ticket by another family to attend an event, I’m certainly not inviting other children to come along.

Sorry I also missed the bit where you bought and paid for the tickets. She's out of order on that point and shouldn't have invited someone else.

If you have a concern they would be paired up because they are at a similar level, would there not have been a chance that your son wouldn't have been paired with the friend anyway? You suggest their levels are different. Is there a way you can use the difference in levels? One mentors another? Can you speak to the organiser about your worries, so they bear them in mind for paired work?.

I appreciate that the mum may have been a bit thoughtless inviting someone else along, but you are where you are. Your options are taking your son out of the activity, which will do him no favours. Or you find mechanisms that help him do this. He's going to feel so good once he's done it.

I think the point that you booked and paid for the course for DS and his friend changes the framing a fair bit. The other mum should have checked with you first asking if it was ok that this other boy came along too. But she didn't and unfortunately nothing you can do now

If you're a member of the club, can't you bribe someone to say "oops, sorry, we're overbooked. 3rd child actually can't attend as we dont have space"

😉

Just feel the need to point out she couldn’t google it. It is an email that goes round and its on the notice board but it’s not advertised. Generally non club kids tend to friends of club kids. It’s not explicitly closed off from the public, but it’s not something the public would happen on either.

That is what I meant by not advertised As I said in my original post, it’s not something the other mum would locate herself easily. Maybe that would have been better way to describe it

Honestly, believe me, I have sons and brothers and am from a massive male dominated family. Boys/ men do not give a stuff if there are 3 of them. They are not like some little girls (and boys) who want a best friend and get upset if there is a 3rd wheel. They just don't see it.

If you observe a group of friends/ boys they are all interacting with one another. They have better friendships with some, but I have never ever heard anyone of my boys say that there was an unwanted 3rd wheel.

I think you need to take a step back or you will scare off his friends.

This is evil genius! I’d probably be struck down by fate if I did it though, so will pass

That would be a horrible thing to do to another child.

Yeah I think that is what is annoying me the most. It’s not quite the same as taking them to the movies, but it’s not like it’s a football camp where everyone just sighs their kid up and packs them off.

As you say, nothing you can do.

Of course it would, I assumed everyone would realise that neither of us are serious

@Sassysangria2201 could you maybe invite another of his friends so there can be 4 playing together but if the other 2 drift off together he's still got a pal?

This is my second child (other is an older teen) and I too wonder if things have changed. I just would have been delighted that another mum had sorted two days free childcare for me - I would not dream of throwing another child in there.

I do usually get on well with her and like her. Without wanting to sound harsh, I find her quite preoccupied with what the other mums think of her sometimes and I wonder if there was an element of wanting to ‘impress’ the other mum (not the right word but please her by offering up cheap childcare).

Really interesting thread showing the very fine line between anxiety and control.

the problem is that we don’t know the other mums motives for booking on the other child.
maybe she’ll be on here later and post her version.

as you have done here op, parents think about their own child and what helps them. Maybe there’s something going on with the other boy and/or friend that you aren’t privy to.
if her child likes your son as you say, then inviting another child is rude.
but you need to be very conscious of and open to the possibility that your son could be using control to manage his anxiety, and his friends mum is on it. I don’t know.

Now you’ve posted the whole scenario then I do think the friend has been out of order inviting another child along. The one thing I would say (and others have said this I think) is maybe your friend wanted to invite another child as she thinks your child is too reliant on hers. Maybe with the activity if your child is better at it and hers isn’t she thought it would be easier for her child and his friend to attend as they’re both at the same level.

Anyway, what’s done is done now. The boys will have to mix and socialise doing this no matter what.

I’m afraid I’m biased because my kids have been treated extremely unreasonably by children (yes plural) who had been taught that their social anxiety gave them a pass to behave in an unfriendly manner.

Parents are supposed to prepare the child for the road, not the other way around; this is a good learning opportunity for your child to realise that he cannot control social situations. Good guidance would teach him that he could make a new friend

If she wanted to impress the other mum by offering up cheap childcare then that’s on her. If she’s told the other mum about the activity though and the other mum thinks her son will enjoy it and is free to participate then there’s no law in stopping her booking it.

I do think the old adage, two’s company and three’s a crowd is true though. Sometimes trios work but more often than not don’t.

This is true. Yes, he could maybe make another friend. And should try to do so.

This is the bit I’m a bit stuck with - if the shoe was on the other foot I would just be so happy to have two days free childcare and wouldn’t want to jeopardise it!

I think his anxiety was important to me in that he’s had several activities this holidays where we have pushed him far out of his comfort zone and needs a bit of familiarity. When I reflect on it, the mums of most of his other friends tend to operate more like me in terms of this stuff and she’s definitely a bit looser, and I probably should have chosen a different child to invite.

I have social anxiety. Even as an adult I have had the situation where I have been meeting a friend and they have said they would like to bring another friend and I have pulled out - it’s too much for me.

However, I found this message unfair. You are creating scenarios around this mum to find reasons for her behaviour without knowing anything; maybe the other child is struggling and this mum thought they could all support each other? It’s hard as a parent as you desperately want to protect your child and want them to have an easy life and you try and facilitate that in any way possible, but I feel like you are creating a narrative for this mother with no facts at all based on your own concerns about your son. I get it, I do, but don’t create a situation here. Your son might be fine, he may make a new friend and have a good time.

Painfully shy, then.... Just a different name.

Is this a diagnosed condition in this case or just the op's opinion? A lot of children suffer in this way, my DD certainly did, but never thought to give it a name.

It's exactly how I was as a child, a teenager, and a young adult. Still am as a 60 year old. Painfully shy and not wanting to interact with new people too much because you don't know them, they might show disdain for your point of view, or just ignore you altogether. Just be better if you don't say anything. Then people think you're an oddball.