AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

Have you told your son yet? If so, how did he respond?

If your son doesn't know this other boy how do you know that the other boy is intense??

Best solution is to have both boys over to play with your son a few times prior, maybe focus on what ever the hobby is so they can bond together doing it before the course

You don't know what's going on in the life of the other lad maybe he's also struggling and friends mum thought it would help for him to focus on to have a treat
.maybe she thinks your boy and him will get on

Maybe her son's feeling overwhelmed been constantly forced to be with your son so she's trying to make it easier for her son

Lots of maybes

If your son doesn't know this other boy how do you know that the other boy is intense??

good point

Anyone can attend and that's what they're doing. Get over it

My son doesn’t know him.

I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense.

so your son doesn’t know him
but somehow you know he’s “intense”? @Sassysangria2201

I think the mum of the friend you invited has been very thoughtless and rude, regardless of your son's anxiety problems. Two's company three's a crowd, is very relevant here, and with children especially, three is not a good number, as children often pair off and one is left out. How many posts do we get on here about posters who have arranged an outing for friends, and someone invites an unwelcome addition, the chances of it going wrong are even worse when it is young children. I don't know what you can do about the situation but you are not being unreasonable to be concerned.

OP mentioned all this further up thread!

I get why you are disappointed op. You thought this particular situation would be ideal for your DC.

However, for the friend to not include someone else, you are inherently expecting others to prioritise your son over the other two DC. Presumably the activity is enjoyable - why should the 3rd DC miss out on the opportunity to enjoy it? It sounded like this child is a friend of your DSs friend, & he wants him to be there. If your DC is more experienced than his friend at it, friend may have been more comfortable bringing a peer of a more similar level.

You can't expect to restrict others from enjoying a normal activity with friends because it makes the situation less perfect for your son - thats very individualistic.

I wouldn’t invite them again.

It wasn’t an invite only course

They will just book themselves

She is out of order . You found and paid for an activity to suit the additional needs of your son and she invited another kid along knowing it would upset your son .

Except she won’t because it’s not advertised and won’t be aware.

That would make sense if it was the mum if the 3rd dc who had organised it.
Its not though.

You would be unreasonable to say anything, but you’re perfectly valid in feeling how you feel. From your perspective I would also be frustrated and disappointed. It’s not what you had in mind and isn’t what you think is best for your son. But you need to also look at the wider pictures and other people’s experiences and perspectives. Which is why you can’t reasonably say anything about this sorry

Erm I don't think you can dictate who goes on a public course.

The other mum shouldn't have invited someone else along to something that you had organised for your son and his friend. I think that shows a lack of awareness.

I’ve got to say @Sassysangria2201 (and I’m absolutely not asking you to tell me) but I’m intrigued by what the hobby is! I’ve decided it’s either sword swallowing or fire eating. Please tell me by DM if I’m right, you don’t have to say which, a quick ‘you’re a genius’ will do!

🍭for your son, social anxiety is hell.

Well now she has the course contact details and knows the dates in 2026 so good idea for 2027.

And no way is this course shrouded in secrecy.

^^ this
children need to be taught about life being unpredictable sometimes, trying to micromanage all aspects of life maintains anxiety

did @Sassysangria2201 ever say what her son’s response was to finding out the other boy was joining?

As a therapist this is the perfect time for him to use his strategies for his social anxiety… you sound anxious too, he might actually be fine with it?

I thought skiing (indoor ski slope) or fencing…

And how many children take on their parents anxiety?

Indeed. There seems to be some of this going on with the OP.

I reckon the OP’s son will have a blast and end up being BFFs with the other boy.

Doubt @Sassysangria2201 will come back to update though!