AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

Why can’t you invite another child as well?

Going against the grain here, as someone who has someone with social anxiety in my family, this is just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. I know this exact situation, when the person with social anxiety is expecting something to be a one on one situation and it ends up not being, it can be really distressing sometimes. But it can't be avoided. You have no right to insist this other boy doesn't come.

Time to work on coping strategies. This situation will come up again and again in his life and it's much better for him to find a way to cope with it now, while he's young and his brain is still quite plastic, than to get to be an adult man and still not to be able to cope with things like this.

Why not speak to the organisers of the activity so they are aware and can maybe make sure he's not being left out, don't let them choose their own partners etc?

Sorry but yabu as i can easily see how this might have occurred and there may not have been much the other mum could do.
Eg you invited child B to join your child on this activity thing.
The 3rd childs mum may then have called child B's mum to invite child B to do something with her child that day, child B's mum might have replied, 'sorry he's going with <your child> to activity club X that day'

3rd childs mum may then have said oh actually my child would really enjoy that too i think, ill give them a ring and see if they can come too!

Would you have expected child B's mum to then say the other mum wasnt allowed /shouldnt do that? You cant be like that.

It does sound like you were slightly posessively hoping your son got 1:1 time with this other boy in a setting he could cope with and now you sort of know he may end up a 3rd wheel, but tbh that could have happened anyway if child B had clicked with another kid on the day and got friendly

I can’t. As I’ve explained elsewhere, numbers haven’t be managed. . Not because we are nasty people, but because it’s expensive, much of the equipment comes through industry connections/personal ownership and the instructors are volunteers. It’s not advertised and people tend to get into it after already developing the skills through work or related fields. In the case of the kids, through parent/relative or sometimes with a friend etc who can get them started. Apart from bit having enough kit, there wouldn’t be enough instructors.

I see a lot of comments here that 'you don't own the course', 'it's for everyone' but I do see where you are coming from. Is it possible to switch a date for this course and ask another friend?
This Mum hasn't done anything wrong but we all look out for our own kids and feel their pain - probably more than they do - and she would probably feel mortified if you explained but that doesn't help now. If you can't move his day then I would ask him if he still wants to go and otherwise take him out for the day somewhere special.
If people have never had a child that is not confident then they will never understand. x

This . I have been in a similar-ish situation with an older child recently and we just said we were busy. id have had zero issues and asked someone else.

Thanks, your post is really kind. Unfortunately it’s only on for a couple of days as volunteers run it.

I agree with this. Not trying to be unpleasant but i think it's true

I agree with you. Often two's company, three's a crowd as the saying goes.

I didn't even realise the fact you'd paid for the friend to attend. I was with you on YANBU from the outset but that fact is another clear reason for her not to invite another child willy-nilly.

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're having to repeatedly clarify and justify to people who clearly have no idea what social anxiety is and are accusing you of being controlling, cossetting and worse. That is horrible and so wrong. The spirit of starting an AIBU thread is generally to either seek validation or to be told we're off course. But when the people you're asking don't even understand (or worse are so dismissive of and flippant about) the crux of the situation (i.e. social anxiety) it's clearly the wrong place to be seeking answers, so please don't allow the hammering in responses to make you feel you're in the wrong.

I do see some people are changing their tune after realising you'd paid though. Unlikely anyone has gone back and changed their option in the poll to reflect that though, so those percentages aren't a valid representation.

Hmm, well I'm looking at it from OP's point of view, & I think it was totally unreasonable of the other mum to invite another child. Would you invite an unknown plus one to a wedding or a birthday party?
The other mum knows OP's child & the difficulties the child faces. Honestly, sometimes I think I'm a different species to most posters on MN.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. There were always going to be other people on the course, and if the first child hadn’t wanted to go then your child would have had to attend without him and deal with it. You can’t expect your child to always have a support human to shield him from other people, and to expect another child to fill this role by default is unfair.

I think it is great that you are encouraging him to make social connections, and to do it through a hobby , in a small group of like minded people is a good idea. You need to be pushing the narrative that there will be like minded people there to share ideas and interest about the hobby, by all means say it will be fun to know that X and his friend Y are also attending, but the main reason for going is for the hobby and meeting others who might be strangers but who are connected because of their interest in the hobby. That way you are not emphasising the social aspects of the course, although yes, of course , you as a parent are hoping that being absorbed in the course and having shared interests might also encourage social interaction as well.

YADNBU
Especially as you paid for both boys.

The other mum lacks social etiquette imo.

My DS has some anxiety (though not social), it is for me and DH to help him manage this, not anyone else.

I think YABU - you have done what suits your son and she has what suits her son.

So do I. If another mum effectively gave me two days free child care, I definitely wouldn’t respond by arranging for someone else to join in, especially if I knew that would create an extra hurdle for her child to manage.

If my child didn’t want to go, I’d decline.

Or not.

I used to work somewhere that hosted and ran summer courses and workshops in creative activities (drama, dance, crafts, music etc) and I would love that your DS's mate's mum has spread the word because that's one more child who's participating and having a lovely experience. It would be sad if that other child wasn't allowed to take part when there will be a mix of other strangers there.

As there will be other children on the course, I don't think it was unreasonable of the other mum to mention it to another parent. Your son I presume needs someone he knows and trusts to go with him to get him through the door and to do the activity. You have no control over how that other child then behaves or interacts with other children in that course.

The other mum understanding that your child needs her child in order to go to something doesn't mean that she'd understand that her child isn't allowed to have any other friends go to the event.

If I were the other mum and my son's friend's mum told me I wasn't allowed to mention the activity to anyone else and wouldn't be allowed to bring an older sibling, a neighbour, or friend, I would worry about the expectations on my child in hand holding the anxious child all day at the activity and not enjoying it for the activity's sake.

I say all of this as a mum of a son who has been identified as anxious by sports coaches and primary teachers as a child (he's 18 now).

Do you know the other mum has actively invited the third boy or maybe just mentioned the course to a friend who has asked her for more details? If it was deliberate, either she's a bit rude or wants a buffer between the boys (perhaps she wants her DS to develop more friendships). Is the course definitely full now and no space for you to suggest it to another of your DS's friends? (Not suggesting you should actually pay for 3 spaces.) Can you make your DS's previous experience an advantage as he'll be able to show his friends what to do? If the children are paired up perhaps he would have been put with another skilled person anyway.

If you have organised and paid fir a 2 days activity fir your child and his friend, the other mum organising for 3rd child to come is weird. Let alone if it’s a child totally unknown from your ds.
Thats regardless of your ds anxiety.

What I’m not getting is that you say your ds doesn’t know that child. Hence the issue.
But yet you seem to know a lot about the child, whether your ds friend is more or less likely to spend time with him etc….

perhaps she wants her DS to develop more friendships

@Delphiniumandlupins in that case, the other mum should invite other children fur play dates. Not ensure another child is gatecrashing

Some slightly unfair replies. Let's be honest regardless of any issues, the dynamics.of three, where two know each other well isn't great to start with. I can see why you're disappointed.

The thing is, your son's friend is a child, not a carer or an emotional support animal. Even paying for him to do the activity doesn't mean he's not allowed to speak to other people.

I can understand why you are disappointed, but I do think you are being unreasonable.

OP I'd feel the same way.

Did the mum just mention the activity to the other parent in passing? Or actively suggest her child should go too?

Will you be on the activity as a volunteer?

Could you ask that DS is paired up with the friend you paid to attend with him if there are moments the kids are paired up as partners?

On the flip side, it sounds like your DS despite being younger than the 3rd child may be more experienced at the activity? Perhaps you can big that aspect up to him, that the other 2 boys are new and excited to try the activity with him and he can show them what to do?

Did you read all of op’s posts?

Just the top one.