AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

If it is something organised through your work, it does put a slight slant to it.

It’s not my work, it’s just a small hobby club that most people develop their skills in through study and/or having a career in the area.

Poor example but something like mechanics who build go karts but a bit more specialised

Thank you for your thoughtful post. I am trying to avoiding volunteering so DS has to manage alone but I’ll give it some thought.

Could you ask one of his other friends to go along too so there’s an even number? Does the hobby generally have pairs? If it’s not generally a pair that is needed there’s a good chance it will be fine but I do understand your worry. I assume you know the instructor so maybe you could ask them to just check your son is included on the day?

That’s not her problem. Why on earth should she limit what her child does to suit yours? I’m actually really surprised you think it’s ok to expect that. The issues are with your son. Sounds like a good opportunity for him to socialise in a smaller group.

I agree with you tbh but know I’d be unreasonable as most people don’t think like me. I have social anxiety and asd. I can’t cope when people invite others to things already arranged and change the plan. I wouldn’t do it the other way about either, but no one will agree with you on here

I can see why your son has these issues. I think the reason is you. You are the problem here. You are completely scaffolding your child . Tell me - are you intending to be this over controlling in the real world as he grows up? Perhaps one day you will tell the teenagers at a friends party that only certain types he knows can attend?

It sounds like you have the anxiety and are socially engineering all contact with your son.

Think instead of him actually learning to navigate some of these issues on his own as guess what? he might actually learn through his own self discovery. The older boy is now being discriminated against by you just for being ‘intense’! Imagine being this boys mum and knowing that’s how her son is being treated. Poor chap.

I’ve found this bit confusing as the upset seems to come from not knowing this boy but yet the OP seems to have ideas about his personality and level of skill at whatever the mystery activity is.

There also seems to be an element of snobbery and exclusivity here with the mentions of this mystery activity only really being for the kids who have a family connection and access to expensive equipment. Is some of the upset an annoyance that someone deemed outside of this loop has dared to get involved, I wonder?

Maybe the other mum has wanted to involve an ‘outsider’ kid in this as she knows he wouldn’t have an in otherwise. That seems a nice thing to do. Like you, I’d be gutted if I thought my son signing up to something had caused this backlash, including ‘jokes’ about lying to get him off the course. That other boy is someone’s son too.

Well it's not an activity for just your child and his friend though- it's a group setting. So who knows if your child's friend would have immediately started hanging with another boy in the group? The essential thing is that someone your child knows is participating so he feels good about going. Also encourage him to make other friends because it's not healthy to be so dependant on one person.

I agree with this, but also wonder if the op is posting more and more convoluted explanations of the rare unadvertised hobby club in order to bolster the narrative of how shockingly inappropriate it is to invite an outsider child into the inner echelons of the rare and complex unadvertised children’s hobby club

I think the next step in your managing your son's anxiety could be how you both approach social situations when they don't go according to plan, or have elements out of your control. As both are inevitable.

Avoidance is not a long term strategy to treat anxiety, unfortunately it fuels it more over time. Have you had any professional help dealing with this? Hope it goes OK for your DS.

Have you told your son @Sassysangria2201 ? If so, what his response?

I’d be annoyed too if the other mum knows your son’s situation. We have had similar situations with our son, who is much better 1 on 1; if there are 3 children, he always gets left out. For example I would organise a play date with a one of my sons friends - and I am friends with the mum too. She is fully aware of my son’s difficulties and that the playdate is a lovely opportunity for them to play one on one (as the opportunity rarely arises), then before the play date another child gets added to the play date, and lo and behold my child gets left out. It’s frustrating and shows a lack of consideration. Im learning however that its really important to always communicate really explicitly (kindly and nicely) what your understanding is of the arrangement when organising, so there is no room for misunderstanding. I’ve often thought what i was planning/arranging was obvious at the time, then with hindsight wondered if there had been room for misunderstandings!

I organised and paid for it, and said I’d take them etc. It’s not a professional set up just a small hobby club so it’s just the cost of materials on the day and I’ll kick in some extra bits of the equipment they need.

I’ve only met the child once (was dropping some stuff off and he was there). DS’s friends mum was morning what a tough day it had been as the other friend was super bossy and leaving out her other child. Which makes it more odd that she’s thrown him in the mix. DS’s friend talks about him sometimes as the friend tells tall tales (in a kid like way, eg dad drops him off in a Ferrari etc) which DS friend likes share, so I guess I’ve just got a general awareness of him.

I’m sorry to hear that, it sounds rough. You are right, I need to not assume and it’s been a good lesson in that

Unless it’s a semi private lesson for two and somehow she added another person then yes you are unreasonable.I appreciate that you wanted your child to be just with her friend but at the same time there might few more kids that you never met and dynamics of the group might change anyway. However, if the group was just for the two of them the. yes a bit odd to add more people without asking especially if you paid for it

Maybe you need to volunteer and then you can see how this trio pans out?

Realistically what are your other options?

Like you, I’d be gutted if I thought my son signing up to something had caused this backlash, including ‘jokes’ about lying to get him off the course. That other boy is someone’s son too.

I agree - I think this is really unpleasant and I wonder how OP would feel if people online were joking about lying to her son to get him off a course he wanted to do.

I dont understand why some on this thread seem to think OP's son deserves empathy and sensitivity (which I agree, he absolutely does) but this other boy apparently doesnt. It's actually quite gross.

I can understand it's frustrating, but that's life OP. She can't make her child miss out on things in life to serve your child's needs, and you also can't shelter him forever. I know it isn't nice and you will worry about him, but he is going to struggle even worse if you shield him from normal occurrences and it will be even harder for him later in life when he's thrown into the deep end of the real world as an adult.

He will have group projects in class with kids he doesn't know, he will start college/ uni with kids he doesn't know. By all means get him help with his anxiety, as you should, but again don't try and wrap him in cotton wool. The other mum has every right to invite and send whoever, wherever.

I'm going to be honest the way the OP speaks about this child who is also just 8 years old is staggeringly unkind.

I can't imagine how she would feel if someone posted such statements about her child online for all the world to read.

Exactly. I think the test is- would OP be absolutely fine about someone from this kid's course joking online about lying to her son to keep him out of this activity and if not, why not?

Bloody hell, I would feel absolutely awful if I was this 3rd child's mother and read this 🙄

I think it's downright rude to be honest - with or without the anxiety issues.

I don't know what you can do about it - my only thought was whether they can stretch to an additional child and your son takes another friend with him. At least then it won't be the trio where he may feel left out.

Have you considered they may all get on together and it build your son’s confidence?

I think you’re worried about the social situations and this is likely effecting your son - even though you don’t know it.

You tell your son how great this will be and seem excited about it. This is good practice for high school (I’m assuming your son is still in primary). Look at this as an intro to the wider world and helping your son with the anxiety.

I do get it btw. I have a 20 year old son who is so socially awkward. I was riddled with shyness when I was younger - it’d be classed as anxiety Im sure. I would say I was early 20s before I got used to mixing with people I didn’t know.
I genuinely believe the more times you’re in social situations that you’re a little uncomfortable with the easier it becomes. The more you’re shielded from the harder it is. I blame Covid for how my 20 yesr old is … he got a free pass to sit in his room. Whereas if he had to go to school everyday it’d part of life.
Stop protecting your son from the normalities in life he finds uncomfortable- you’re making is harder when there’s no choice be to be in them.

And when I say my 20 year old is socially awkward - I mean he can’t work or socialise and spends his life at home. If I could have find anything to help when he was younger I would have, but it wasn’t until post covid the full effects came to light.

While a shy person may initially feel nervous making small talk or dislike being the center of attention, this discomfort typically decreases as they become more familiar with the situation or people. It does not usually stop individuals from pursuing their personal, academic, or professional goals. You might feel nervous before giving a presentation, but you still do it.

Social Anxiety is a recognized mental health condition characterized by an overwhelming, disproportionate fear of being watched, judged, or humiliated. Familiarity does not always ease the distress. Anticipation of social events frequently triggers intense anxiety, panic attacks, or physical symptoms like a rapid heartbeat, sweating, and nausea. It significantly impairs ability to function. People with SAD often resort to avoiding school, work, or social events altogether to escape the intense fear of scrutiny. They are also prone to "post-event processing," which involves severely replaying and overanalyzing their social interactions afterward.

You know, there isn't a binary here. I was brought up at a time when these characteristics were not pathologised as they are now. I was pathologically shy until I was about 24; it took until my 50s to stop the "severely replaying and overanalyzing their social interactions afterward" usually at 3am when I couldn't sleep. I recognise aspects of "social anxiety disorder" which restricted my activities & enjoyment of life well into my 20s.

But I was well-parented in a different time - when the emphasis was on resilience and getting over myself. Yes, there were (and are) costs to that. But the benefits are huge. I worry that the costs of the current style of parenting are going to be massive. We already hae 15-20% of young people not working because of mental illness, often of this sort of anxiety. That's not sustainable.

@Sassysangria2201 you are obviously trying to balance costs & benefits for your DS. But the whole tenor of your posts is that of fear - I suspect you are in part projecting your own issues into the situation. There's also quite a dollop of resentment - as though other people's children are the enemy. No wonder your DS is apprehensive of social interaction.