AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

How do you know they are pairing up on this course? As far as I can see OP hasn't said what the course even is- or did I miss it?

I don’t. I’ve said IF many times.
I’m just giving examples of how inviting someone else when you haven’t organised it muddies the waters.

Ok - bit confused why pairing up is relevant then since we dont actually know what the course involves 🤷‍♀️

My god, it is not the responsibility of other adults to- and certainly not other children - to adapt their behaviour to accommodate your child’s anxiety. You can try and modify things but the whole world cannot bend to his needs.

Have you ever reflected on what the root cause of your son's social anxiety is? Maybe some transference issues as it seems from your post that you are anxious about the other kid coming.

Maybe your son will be fine. In life he will often be in situations with people he doesn't know so the exposure has to start young. By avoiding these situations, his anxiety might even get worse as he will pick up on your cues.

Your son will still benefit from the fact that it's a small course, on something he enjoys, and that he knows somebody else there.
I think the most useful thing you can do is to make sure that the course leader is aware of your son's issues, and is watching out for him.
If I were leading, and I knew about his issues, then if there were, say, paired activities, I would pair him with the child he knows initially, and then once he's begun to get to know the others, with another suitable child. I would certainly be on the lookout for him getting left out.
With a good leader, it could be a really positive experience in getting to know other children in a smaller setting.

Well, like you said, we don’t know, so it could be hugely relevant.

was just giving an example. Last I checked, that’s ok to do when taking part in a discussion.

And again what do you expect from invited friend? To be told he cannot engage with anyone other than the ex who invited him?

I understand your son has been through a tough time and as a parent that must have been hard but I think you are trying to 'stage manage' his life a bit too much here.

You have gone to worse case scenario and seem to see the whole venture as doomed just because another child will be attending. I would suggest changing up your thinking to focus on preparing your son for this experience so he has some strategies to hand to manage his feelings.

To try and manage away all possible unpleasantness isn't really giving your son a fair chance as at some point in life he is going to have to deal with it himself and if he hasn't had a chance to practise he won't be successful.

The OP is very quick to shut down suggestions which don't suit her for someone who claims to be 'genuinely unsure' if they are BU.

It's very plausible that the friend found the prospect of the week in the club with just one other child he knows intense and asked his mum to find a third party. The friend's experience of the friendship is unknowable, despite OP's apparent confidence in the dynamic.

No, absolutely not.

but if someone had invited me to something I’d spend the majority of my time with them. It’s basic manners.

What the heck is this “small niche activity”??

and how come steadfastly ignored the questions regarding how old these boys are?

And youd actively ignore someone else you knew?

Yes this, lack of specific info. How old are the boys?

Thank you for your reply, it’s really thoughtful and kind.

I actually agree with most of what you have to say, especially about resilience. I deal with lots of grads in my job and can see the clear effects of over parenting. That is definitely not something I want for my child.

Because we are working with an OT on this I am trying to follow her lead. We are working up to various scenarios - for example went to a soft play type setting for older kids (he’s 8) with a friend of his this week. I told him that there would probably be kids from school there that he didn’t know and we figured out how he’d deal with. It was a big push for him but backing off wasn’t an option and he did it.

I think that’s why I’m frustrated as there are things that he cannot/I don’t let him avoid (like school plays etc), things we push him to do, and things which should hopefully be a bit less confronting, and I need to balance how many confronting things he does close together so he doesn’t wear out. Given I have organised the activity, paid and will be dropping/collecting the kids I just didn’t expect the mum to organise another friend to join them.

Yes, this is where I really struggled.

@Sassysangria2201I am trying to put myself in your shoes. Clearly it’s a difficult situation but I’m sure this kids’ club is meant to be fun for everyone. It’s an open group and it’s a hobby your son enjoys, so he’s likely to be distracted and will hopefully make some new friends. I’m sure it will go well, so try not to worry.

Nope. Don’t think I’ve said that anywhere.

As this course is open to the public even if not advertised, as much as you might be annoyed, the other parent has the right to sign her child up for it.

I think the relationship between the boys might be seen differently by different people and also how it should be managed. Your anxiety and annoyance stems from being your son's mother (obviously).

Castigated? No. Educated: Yes. Because frankly your scoffing is not just vile but ignorant.

Shyness is a manageable personality trait where you feel reserved or nervous but can still function and socialize.

Social anxiety disorder is an intense, often debilitating mental health condition driven by an extreme fear of being judged, which causes severe distress and avoidance of everyday interactions.

They also differ significantly in their impact on daily life.

While a shy person may initially feel nervous making small talk or dislike being the center of attention, this discomfort typically decreases as they become more familiar with the situation or people. It does not usually stop individuals from pursuing their personal, academic, or professional goals. You might feel nervous before giving a presentation, but you still do it.

Social Anxiety is a recognized mental health condition characterized by an overwhelming, disproportionate fear of being watched, judged, or humiliated. Familiarity does not always ease the distress. Anticipation of social events frequently triggers intense anxiety, panic attacks, or physical symptoms like a rapid heartbeat, sweating, and nausea. It significantly impairs ability to function. People with SAD often resort to avoiding school, work, or social events altogether to escape the intense fear of scrutiny. They are also prone to "post-event processing," which involves severely replaying and overanalyzing their social interactions afterward.

If plunging a child who has social anxiety into TWO DAYS of this goes wrong, it will set him back, not warm him up. Unlike shyness it's not something he can just get over.

I can understand why you’re not happy with the situation but maybe you can try and help your son see this in a positive way. He will have a friend with him that he knows and feels comfortable with. He might just make friends with this older boy and have another friend he can include in his circle.

DS's friend probably told his other friend all about it and other friend begged his mum to go to. Was the mum meant to say no? They may all get on famously and it's only a couple of days and they will be working on their hobby.

week. I told him that there would probably be kids from school there that he didn’t know and we figured out how he’d deal with how would you or ds know they were from his school if neither of you knew who they were?

Can you invite the two boys to a play date so your son has got to know the other boy a bit before the course?