AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

You can't control your child's world

But it isn’t her child’s responsibility to look after yours.

DS is very severe anxiety and I would never expect another child to limit themselves for his sake. You are being exceptionally unfair actually.

Your child has friendships, he is invited to things and can go. Don’t risk creating an even bigger issue by making him seem different and as if others need to treat him differently

It may be that your sons friends mum mentioned it to the other kids mum who had then decide she wants her child to take part. Your sons friends mum couldn’t really say this other kid can’t go. If she has invited another kid, that’s not really the done thing if you are the one who has arranged everything. My guess is it’s the former.

Are you saying that your DS should be her priority? And she should base her decisions around him? You hear how silly that sounds, don't you? Unless you missed out how you paid for them to exclusively do the activity together?
Because it is open to the public.
Otherwise you're going to have to get used to parents doing what they deem best for their own DC, just like you do for yours.

I don’t need to calm down 😂

Just makes my reply look totally random as you have changed the whole context of your post, not just spelling or grammar as the edit button is meant for.

As I said in my original post, this mum knows all about my son’s issues and how we are working on them. She has witnessed how paralysed he becomes certain situations so she gets the severity of it, although I appreciate it’s not something she lives daily.

Have you ever thought that your son's friend is struggling being the only one whom your son relies upon for emotional support?

Perhaps this friend is finding it draining and his mum deliberately invited someone else to take the pressure off him? You cannot rely on one child alone to be responsible for your son's anxiety- its too much pressure

It would be unreasonable if you paid and I’m guessing you didn’t.

It is booked now so you need to focus on how you convey this to your son so he doesn’t sense how pissed off you are

In her shoes, id be concerned my son was going to be your son’s emotional comfy blanket, so id probably want someone else there too.

how old are they?

This is exactly what I was thinking ^

Yes, the Mum knows about your child's MH issues. But, respectfully, so what? She's not going to run her child's life around those issues.

I think you're being blinkered and unreasonable

It's not her son's singular responsibility to support your child though. I'd be quite worried in her shoes that my own child wouldn't be able to have multiple friendships because your son needed his 1-1 support. It's quite a stifling position for a small child to be in.

I paid for both of them to attend - I didn’t think that would be relevant or I would have included it.

It’s not expensive as it’s heavily subsidised by the club and generally it’s just the kids of other members. (Im a member)

The other mum has no influence if a child signs up or not. It happens quite easily that another mum thinks it would be a nice thing for her child too.

"Oh what is your Henry doing in hols? Anything going on?"."Oh he is going to this summer camp... ".

The mum can't say 'Hey you can't sign Charles up...' as it is an open course for more than two boys.

It's still a public group and probably relies on word of mouth to actually ensure the group runs if they don't really advertise. While you say it's better small, they probably still need to cover costs and if it's a business make a profit.
I don't think your friend has done anything wrong, you can't control what others go to or restrict other children's friendships.
As someone else said, it's likely to have popped up in a normal conversation over what they are doing over the holidays. The mum is unlikely to realise it's a secret unless you specifically told her that, or that you mentioned the group was specifically for children with sen/needs like your son (which it doesn't sound like it is) in which case you could have said Fred is going to this club in the holidays. It's aimed at children with anxiety so not widely advertised. They can take a friend though if Alfie would like to come.

So, a member of the public is going to a public event? YABU.

My dd was in this posistion & it really made the last 2 years of primary a bit of a misery for her.
The mum of the other child unbeknown to me had talked to teachers "It would be really good if X could sit next to Y on the school trip/at lunch etc" - lovely child but my daughter felt very responsible for her happiness & right or wrong the child was "easier" to manage when with my dd.
It was quite the relief when they went to different secondary schools tbh.
I really hope you son enjoys the course OP - you never know could be the start of a great friendship group for him.

And did you tell her you expected her son to act as your sons carer and communicate only with him?

Hang on, if it’s just for kids of members, and you, as a member, signed up DS and his friend, how did the third boy get signed up? Are his parents members?

Great way to teach him that friends are allowed other friends. Maybe learn that concept yourself as a parent also.

I can see I haven’t described this very well. He’s still able to have friends, and his friends don’t seem bothered by his anxiety. He comes across as managing fine at a surface level. It would be clear to an adult who saw him semi regularly across school/play settings, and this mum knows him fairly well.

Accept I haven’t described that very well though

Even you paid your son's friend could prefer to play with other children on the course. The children are how old? You can't rely on a friend to make the camp a good experience for your son.

I can relate to this. I deliberately sent my daughter to a different secondary school so that she could thrive away from a clingy needy friend, who my daughter felt responsible for, because the childs Mum kept pushing the 'saviour' dynamic. It was very difficult.

I’m really sorry OP but whatever “the right strategies” are, they surely can’t mean forbidding other children from attending an open course. Or a friend of DS’s inviting another friend along to an event. It’s deeply unsustainable and surely if your DS thinks people will stick to these rules surely it’s going to cause bother for him as he gets older and finds this isn’t the case.

Could it be worth speaking to the OT again and asking for techniques to deal with this situation and the many similar ones that will follow?

I really hope he manages to enjoy the course.

Yabu. The course is open to anyone who books it.