AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

Unless the event is private, it’s also something you attend with strangers.

but if you want to use course - let’s say I booked a cooking course for me and my friend. I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with her.
she then invites her friend.
we then have to couple up with someone else for part of the course. Friend feels awkward that she’s the one that invited the other person, so teams up with her. Fine if you are an adult, you were looking forward to sharing this course with your friend, but you’d get over it if you had to team up with a stranger. A bit more difficult if you are a child.

YABU because it’s not really any different to if your DS and his friend hadn’t arranged to go with the other boy, but turned up to find that he was already there by chance.

How old is DS?

Ok, it sounds like you are actively trying to control his works to avoid him being in situations where he might be anxious instead of helping him navigate a world where he learns to deal with his anxieties

do you see what I mean? By trying to remove any chance of him having to deal with social anxiety by micromanaging things you are not helping him develop resilience but you risk becoming a bit of a helicopter mum

maybe look into how you can support him in a way that does not mean you preemptively moving any obstacles out of his way

FWIW I don’t get the vibe that OP is trying to make the other child a career at all! More that she organised this as an activity for the two boys to do together as friends and is annoyed that the other boy’s mum has invited another friend.

Yabu the course is open to the public and you dont own it. The other parent isnt responsible for managing your son's anxiety.

It’s not only for kids of members, but they don’t advertise the course at all, so it generally winds up being just members kids and the occasional friend here or there, as unless you’d been to the club you wouldn’t see the notice (club is small). They wouldn’t turn down anyone that called and asked though I don’t think unless they were over the numbers cap (it’s a small group).

These are very adult behaviours and feelings you're describing, @bitmiffed26. Don't you think the kids (none of whom booked themselves on!) would usually just get on with it? If OP's child isn't able to do that, that's not the other parents' fault and the risk was there from the beginning.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

Yes, YABU. You can't micromanage your DS's social interactions or his friendship groups.

He's shy. OK that is not the end of the world. A lot of DC are shy, but yu treat it as though he needs to be wrapped in cotton wool.

He will pick up your anxiety - instead, present it as a way for him to get to know someone new who might be interesting, and interested in DS's hobby.

Why would you ask someone who hasn’t even booked tickets themselves to book tickets for your child instead of just booking it yourself?
that doesn’t make sense.

by the friends mum booking, they have actively made the duo a trio, so they aren’t just attending the same course, they are attending the course together. Which opens up a situation like if just given in my previous post - if they have to couple up for anything to do with the course one of the boys is going to be left out, which is a lot easier to overcome if you are an adult, not so much a child.

For all you know, this other boy could have all sorts of issues that others don’t know about and the mum has finally found something he’s agreed to go to. If the club says he can go, it’s not up to you to say he can’t.

It reads like you are the anxious one op. Your job is to cajole and support your son into independence, not bulldoze all obstacles so that he never has to feel a jot of anxiety.

Resilience is learned with exposure to hardship. This is the ideal situation - two days, with a close friend, a small group, a hobby he likes… if he can cope with this, he’ll be stronger next time, and so on.

Not feeling confident enough to pair up with a stranger instead of your friend at a course is neither an adult behaviour or feeling.

i’ve actually acknowledged that it’s easier to do as an adult.

I totally get it OP - you thought you were sending them essentially on a play date together and now a third child is attending (it doesn’t really matter when this is home or a camp from your perspective of a play date). HOWEVER - we run holiday camps and this happens frequently (as in we get a couple of kids booked together and then other parents will email to book on having heard about them through one of the other parents and asking if child can be in other child’s group). Camp staff are always all over making sure kids don’t get left out, activity days are usually busy and in my experience kids will drift to what they want to do anyway rather than just stick with child they came with and there are usually plenty of children attending on their own because parents need childcare to buddy up with etc if needed so I do think you are overthinking it and it was likely either unintentional on the part of the other parent or she’s a more the merrier type which many are or her son has indicated that he doesn’t want to just be stuck with yours all day (sorry to be harsh but we also get side emails for camps asking to make sure so and so doesn’t get stuck with and overwhelmed by other child all day). You could just add another child in as you say he has plenty of friends to make it a 4 but regardless your DS will be fine and will see he can have a good time which will be good for him.

as an aside to whomever said it’s not a good business model to not advertise - we don’t have to advertise our camps to new people - they fill within a couple of days of sending out dates to previous campers by email (although I suppose you could call that advertising but this camp must be getting dates out somehow) and by word of mouth so we never advertise publicly.

Is it tennis?….😬
School hols here and ds is going along to a tennis taster week at local club… advertised well because of Wimbledon just now.
bumped into his friend and their mum from a school at Tesco who suggested it… now paranoid!
@Sassysangria2201 would that also mean (if by odd coincidence it is this) that you wouldn’t want my son joining the club itself? It’s only for your son and select friends?

Each of your posts contradicts another. So now he has a big group of friends at school but this one boy is going to ruin the club for him?

Whether the adults are aware of his anxiety or not (and I suggest not because it's clearly complicated and only applies to extremely specific scenarios) is irrelevant. They are not responsible for your son.

I find it interesting that all those with experience of children who have anxiety have said you're unreasonable but you've not acknowledged their lived experiences and opinions.

YANBU. It is a normal obligation if you've arranged something with a friend to then run it by them first if you subsequently decide you'd like to invite someone else along. The fact these are kids not adults doesn't remove that obligation.

A lot are arguing the context of it being a class "so other kids will be there anyway" but that is irrelevant. If I'm going out with a friend of course there will be other people around - they're present, but they're still separate to our friendship unit and the focus on spending time together.

If it's a whole group of friends going out together that's different but when there's just two: three's a crowd. And with this boy being intense and knowing DS's friend well, the likelihood is that DS will be the one left out.

And all that I've said isn't even bringing social anxiety into it. It's multiple times worse in that case. I have a friend with social anxiety and whilst I wouldn't dream of doing this to anyone, particularly not to her.

Parents seem to micro manage their children's lives far too much imho.
How are they ever going to navigate life if the parents are at their shoulder constantly. As for telling another child they cant come to an activity because little Rupert might not like it?
Jesus christ give your head a wobble !!

But can you not see how this situation could have come about, and seemed perfectly normal to friends mum.

For example, she could have been telling froends mum her kid and their friend are doing tennis club in the summer. Friends mum could have then said, "oh, Sam would love that, I'd like to book him on"...friends mum can't exactly go " actually, no. I know its a public camp but our place has been booked by a friend so I'm not giving you the details" ?? That would be a bit weird!

I see that you are getting a tough time OP, and that includes my message.

It is completely instinctive to want to make our children happy and take away any negative feelings from them. You are, like many mums, probably making this your priority.

The problem with this approach is that it is instant gratification for a future life riddled by difficulties.

Older generations moan that the new generation is not teaching their kids resilience and they have a point. This is a perfect example. In this instance, it's rewarding control over resilience and that's only setting your son for further anxiety and frustrations. However hard it is, being a good parent is letting our children face unpleasant, unwilling and uncontrollable circumstances so that they can learn to manage them so that they grow and learn that what seemed a challenge is actually an opportunity. Our role then is to be there to support them through it, not take the problem away from them, so that their learn that avoidance is the solution and that it's someone else responsibility to make it go away.

Sit with him and help him see why being the three of them can be even more fun. If his friend acts unfriendly towards him, help him navigate through it at the time.

I didn't say anything about nefarious intentions wtf 😂I said it was odd.

If someone booked and paid for your child to do an activity with their child, would you then book one of your childs friends on the same activity? One that the other child didn't know well?
I think that's odd.

So sorry, I was meant to quote @crystalego but you didnt quote me originally. I don't think @bitmiffed26 said anything about the other mum acting nefariously either though 😁

It's really the same as if you arrange to go to the cinema with a friend, which is a public space and they bring someone else along. It's rude and annoying

Don't push your worries into your son too many parents do this. The best way for children to get over anxiety is slowing exposing them to situations. He may well make friends with this other child over those two days. You can not avoid situations it makes things much worse over time as you must know. As pp have said make it a positive experience and tell him to have fun.

Is there a particular reason why you won't say how old the children are? Advice would be very different if they are 15 rather than 5