AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

Agree.

And its really unfair to use your DS's friends as his social crutch.

YABU. There are some things you can control and other things you can't. You can invite someone to join your son on a course but you can't stop others from signing up too. As the parent of kids who have been the emotional crutches for their friends throughout school I can confirm it absolutely does have an impact on them, even if you don't see it yourself. It can stifle other friendships and make them feel guilty about having other relationships. It's awkward and a huge burden to feel responsible for another child to the detriment of what they need and want. You and your son need to build some resilience. His anxiety is his own and no one else's responsibility. It's also something that needs to be faced rather than avoided to help him in the future. I actually think something like this small group with different faces could be the sort of exposure that will benefit him, having a familiar face plus new connections in a controlled way.

If someone booked and paid for your child to do an activity with their child, would you then book one of your childs friends on the same activity? One that the other child didn't know well?
I think that's odd
Not really, she might have asked for the information, friend might have said it will be quicker to book him herself and she pays him back.

Ultimately, it is a very possibility that the boy that was invited is not as closed to OP's as she thinks and that he prefers the other boy. It is something to be prepared for, but again, it's the reality of life. If that happens, OP needs to help her son learn that you can't control friendships and that's why it's important to keep an open mind to meeting new friends. In French (and maybe other languages), there is a different word for the very close reliable friends, and the friends who come and go. There's a reason why.

No, your example of an adults cooking course isn't at all comparable.

Children naturally play in groups. That's why you have school parties with lots of children together, kids playing together in the playground, or at soft play- it's completely normal childhood behaviour.

You seem very determined to paint this other mum as being unkind, but we don't actually have any evidence that she is, so I don't think that's a particularly helpful approach.

Assuming the worst about other people's intentions is often what fuels anxiety in the first place- eg thoughts like, "They'll think I'm stupid," or, "Everyone hates me."

Unless the OP has some actual evidence that this mum has been unkind, I don't think it's helpful to assume she's a bad person.

It's really the same as if you arrange to go to the cinema with a friend, which is a public space and they bring someone else along. It's rude and annoying
It isn't at all because you are not expected to mingle at the cinema. Club activities usually involves working or playing with everyone in the group.

I am also wondering the same thing

Thank you, and to the others that understand that. That is exactly it. I organised an activity for my son and his friend. His friends mum has then added another child on at random. If the shoe was on the other foot I would not just randomly join another kid onto the invite.

It’s a small niche activity that the average person is unlikely to stumble across - it’s not like it’s club football where you’d expect half the neighbourhood to turn up anyway.

Given we are working on my son’s anxiety with public situations, I’ve organised something that works for him. I don’t expect to be able to control all parts of that, but I also just didn’t expect that the other mum would invites someone else, especially as she knows he’ll have to pysch himself up a bit to go.

I actually haven’t said anything bad about the other mum?

I’ve said it was rude to book another child on. That’s all.

i haven’t said she’s unkind, or that her actions were nefarious. Those are your words, not mine.

Its not rude - its a public activity and as I have repeatedly said- we have no idea how the conversation came about do we?

Invite this third person around for a play date in advance. Who knows? They might become friends.

you can’t control who joins the course. It’s extremely unreasonable to think you can.

unless… are the kids teenagers maybe? If so, then the play date idea might not work…?

sorry. Not enough info to advise to be honest

This is a good opportunity for your son AND you to learn how to manage the unexpected challenges in life. He will be exposed to many situations going forward that are out of his control. It's how you handle it that will make a difference.

Ok, but if you were talking to another friend about the activity, and they said their kid would love to give it a go and the other mum had booked, whould you refuse to give the details, as you hadn't booked? Even though the other mum could google the club and contact them since others can book on if they know about it?

That would seem very off and mean... I'm not giving you the details as Sam's mum booked it. Oh but it is open to the public?

I can see how the situation came along and I don't think the other mum is unreasonable

Thank you, and to the others that understand that. That is exactly it. I organised an activity for my son and his friend
Then you should have organised something that included both of them only.

You say you don't expect to control all part of his life but that's exactly what you tried to do here and it backfired.

You don't seem open to constructive advice. You are angry and feel you and your son have been wronged. I'm sorry but you are not helping your son at all and your attitude is likely to encourage your son to become more and more anxious and needing to control his environment and other people.

Shifting blame on the mum isnt going to help your son in anyway or encourage her son to want to be an exclusive friend to your son but do the exact opposite.

Given we are working on my son’s anxiety with public situations, I’ve organised something that works for him
Well that's not working on his anxiety, it's rewarding it!

Ok, I think it’s rude and wouldn’t do it if someone had invited my child somewhere, regardless of how the conversation came up.

you don’t think it’s rude and would go ahead and do it.

no worries. We think differently. We don’t need to argue back and forth about it, it’s quite alright.

He would generally want to have A friend with him. He has several friends who he could have invited.

Otherwise I would be able to go it with him as I’ve previously instructed for the club and can lend a hand (club would be more than happy with this). I would only do that if totally stuck as it’s not best for him.

I can understand mentioning it, especially in the context of general chit chat happening with regard to the summer holidays.

But with the friend's mum being aware of DS social anxiety and the way that situation is handled so DS can function in social situations. Not to mention the simple fact that everyone knows the phrase 'three's a crowd': no. Not ok to blab and then just go right ahead and tag the extra kid in.

I do get that it's delicate to say no but frankly she put her foot in her mouth and then just went with it instead of saying it's not the best idea actually. Total cop out.

Thats fine. Obviously, people have different definitions of "rude" but I am curious what people would say to the 3rd mum if she said "my son would love to do that!, could you sign me up also, it sounds like such fun!"

Because to my mind, there is no way of saying no to that without actually lying....

This. (You'll be castigated for minimising his 'anxiety' into mere shyness though....)

You have not even considered that this is actually the most secure way for your son to build a new close friendship, ie. an opportunity.

I met my bestie, closest friend, love forever through a common friend of ours. That friend drifted of her own accord, no resentment or bad feelings. It happened over many months, but it just turned out that the two of us clicked and I'm so grateful for the other friend to have introduced us.

It happened the other way too. Two of my friends became closer to each other because they shared some things that I didn't. I'm very pleased they found each other through me.

Life is full of opportunities. Control is one of not the most destructive feeling to hold on to.

Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

That’s how.

I understand where you’re coming from OP, but the other kid could’ve found out about the course separately and his mum booked separately and the result would be the same. It’s a good opportunity to help get him over his anxiety. Talk to him in a positive way about it, don’t let your own anxiety about his anxiety affect him.

My son used to be just like yours. He wouldn’t go to anything unless a friend was there too, and I often felt like I was forcing him into things. I kept persevering though, and eventually he got over it, and is much more confident now as a young adult.

YABU and entitled.

Be careful OP. As a mum of boys I can tell you that they generally don't do things in duos, they tend to hang out in little groups and are more happy to do so.

When my youngest DS went into year 7, we had an almighty fallout with a friend of his/ mine as his mum expected him to do everything with her son. He was his "best friend". However, my son wanted to be friends with everyone, and expand his friendships. When he went to secondary school and started making more friends the child got very upset and his mum went nuclear at me and we have not spoken since.

I am not saying that you are the above, just to be a bit mindful that a lot of children, especially boys, hang out in little groups. The other boy, or maybe his mum, may be trying to pad out the friendship a bit. I've had a couple of instances with my sons where the mum has tried to rig things in her DC's favour at the expense of mine and I nipped them in the bud very early.

I'm sorry that your DS has anxiety but setting stuff up with other DC for the benefit of your son is yes YABU.

I would say ‘oh, I’m not sure how you go about booking it as I didn’t sign my child up - OP did. You’ll have to google it’

simple as that.

He has several friends who he could have invited
Perfect, why dont you invite another one? Or are you pushing for forced exclusivity?

You really can't seem to see how your choices and frustration are encouraging your son to value controlling others.