AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

It sounds like you organised and paid for it as a catch up for the two friends. Totally separate to the anxiety issue, on that basis the other mum should have asked if it was okay if she added a third unknown kid to the mix. Yes of course it's a public event etc etc but she could have been more considerate - not all friendship groups mix well and 3 is an awkward number. I don't think it's worth saying anything, but I think YANBU to be annoyed.

Im not sure where you get that from. My son has several friends and they don’t seem impacted by his anxiety. We know what situations will trigger him and manage accordingly.

The other child probably requests to play with my son more rather than the other way around, although it’s pretty even. DS doesn’t rely on him for emotional support, we manage that as his parents.

so, how are you framing it to your child? It’s still only a group of 3 to him? Sounds like his anxiety is feeding off you

I’ve got an adult friend who sounds a lot like your DS, would prefer to just be around people he knows, small groups etc.

However he now has quite a wide circle of friends largely because people keep inviting other people along and eventually it “clicks” and he sees them as friends too.

YABU, I know it’s a small event but it’s not open just to 3 of them. If they haven’t invited this other friend, there would have been some other children there that day. Your son’s friend can strike up a friendship with someone else that day and start playing with them. He’s not your son’s carer that he can only stay glued to your son, time to teach your son that friends can also have other friends.
Basically, you can’t expect your son’s friend not to have another friend when he’s with your son, that’s unreasonable of you to expect.

Unfortunately life has a habit of throwing a curveball every now and again. It's your job as parent to accept this and find ways to support your DS to manage. If nothing ever happens to upset his equilibrium, how is he to build resilience towards life's little knocks?

It is what it is now, so work on your DS preparing himself for a different experience than was planned. Try to change his mindset from "Another kid/Charlie will be there with James and me, oh noooooo" to "I have the opportunity to be friendly with Charlie and maybe make friends with him too". I know it's easier said than done - my son has ASD with high levels of anxiety in social situations - but it has to be worked around somehow, as you can't expect everyone else to tiptoe around your dc, which wouldn't be good for him either.

It's so hard as a parent to see your child struggle but all we can do is help support them to work through their issues, one step at a time.

DS doesn’t rely on him for emotional support, we manage that as his parents.

A few of us came to the same conclusion based on what you had written. You say he doesn't rely on the friend but equally he appears unable to do the club without the friend in attendance?

So why is the second child an issue?

This.
On one hand OP is saying it's a public group but they keep it small, now it's a members event?
I think it is always going to be awkward if you are sending your child with one other if you think they will stick together the whole time.
Not sure of the activity but won't they mix with others and also have free time at lunch time if it's a whole day thing, where the friend might actually wander off to sit with others anyway?

Perhaps the friend you included in the event has spoken to his mum and said he’s finding your DS clingy and challenging when they’re alone and he would like another friend there to strengthen the dynamic?
Op, you claim that you as his parents support your DS but you’re not going to be at the event are you?

I get it from the fact you are clearly very annoyed that another child might join them.

Firstly you say My son has several friends and they don’t seem impacted by his anxiety. But even you admit in your original post that anxiety in children isnt always visible to others and your son's anxiety isnt always visible, so how on earth do you actually know its not affecting his friends? the fact is- you cant possibly know that with any certainty. I was a very sensitive child who often felt responsible for others and I can absolutely tell you it would have affected me.

Then you say The other child probably requests to play with my son more rather than the other way around - in which case, why are you so worried about another child joining? if this child loves playing with your son then why all the angst about another child apparently taking him away?

You said DS doesn’t rely on him for emotional support, we manage that as his parents. But clearly he does, if you are literally saying he should only be with his friend and noone else, that implies that it is the friend who is emotionally regulating your son which is exactly why I suggested it might be too much

These answers are really weird. You organised for your son and his friend to do something together. That's completely normal.

Playgrounds are also open to the public. Imagine you arrange for your son and friend to go and friends mum extends the playdate to another kid. It's weird and rude

The world doesn't revolve around you and your DS. You need to manage things for your DS but you can't and shouldn't expect others to miss out on things because of it.

OP specifically says:
Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

I really don't understand the totally unsympathetic pp on this thread. I can only assume they have absolutely no knowledge or understanding of having a child with the issues you describe

As the other mother is very aware of your DS's issues and especially given you arranged this course and are paying for it, you have every right to be upset about what she has done.

Well you don't why he has been invited. Is it possible he is struggling or build friendships and his mother asked if he could join ? I think you can't control these things op. It would have been nice if she had been more thoughtful of your situation but at the same time it's not unreasonable of her to invite another child to a public group activity. Also I am not sure it's the best for him to have his outings arranged in such a way. You can't completely control his anxiety and surely the more exposure the better??

At school and other settings they have a big friendship group. It’s not a one on one relationship at all. My DS is also close to another boy and girl in this group, who his friend is not as close to. In the past this mum has expressed concern that her son felt a bit on the outer with the group, so I don’t think she’s worried he’s stifled. I would speak to my son about it there was any hint of that.

It is only in novel settings. We don’t rely on this child at all to help manage that. We could have easily chosen one of his other friends to go, he has a few close friends. We will prepare him and he knows he has to manage himself.

Yabu. You aren't in control of what other people do and your concerns about your child aren't this other mum's concerns. Your son might enjoy it regardless.

I think yabu

Its a public course that anyone can book?

So this mum likely mentioned that her son and yours are doing it, and another mum felt their kid would also enjoy it.

Nothing wrong with that, unless you are now expected to ferry and supervise all 3 kids with none of the other parents whilst they are there?

Seems like a very strange business model for the activity as well...open to the public but never advertised but happy to have bookings?

There is a absolutely nothing in OP's posts to suggest she thinks the world revolves around her.

Do you feel better for being so unnecessarily unpleasant?

Well then......no worry needed. Your sons friend loves playing with your son, in fact he chooses to play with your son. Ergo a third person won't be a massive problem.

Are you sure YOUR anxiety isn't driving all this?

Your friend no doubt mentioned this very cheap course to her friend… who then went on to book her her son.

Given the small nature of it and that you paid for both places, that does make it a little off.

So what’s the big deal?

I think YABU, although I understand how you are feeling. Other children can’t be used to prop up your son, so it’s not reasonable to object to this other boy attending the activity. That’s what you are doing and children are perceptive. They know. They are also kind, so will go along with it in the spirit of kindness as well as genuine friendship. But don’t try to curate their friendships as they get older because it will push them away.

How old are the children?

Exposure therapy is the best method for combatting social anxiety, there’s no real way around it otherwise. I had it years ago so much so I was terrified to leave the house alone. I had CBT and was asked each week to take a different step towards leaving alone and eventually socialising. It was literally a case of going into a shop to buy something the first time I “socialised” alone. I wouldn’t have gone on to get my PhD, get into academia and generally smash life if I hadn’t fixed it.

In other words, your DS needs to get used to people because they’re everywhere and it’s life. This new child might be great for him.