AIBU to think this school mum is out of order?

[Sassysangria2201]

Genuinely unsure if I’m being unreasonable on this.

DS has a close friend that he sees quite a bit of - they walk from home most days, frequent play dates etc.

Quick background. My DS has some social anxiety. It doesn’t impact his friendships; he has several friends, has and get asked for lots of play dates and parties etc. You wouldn’t know it to see him, but he really struggles to go places if there are kids he doesn’t know there. He’s had OT intervention in the past but it’s fairly well controlled if we use the right strategies. We are not in the UK.

Ive organised for my DS and his friend to attend a course for 2 days of the school hols.. It’s around his hobby, he’s excited to go and to have his friend there. The course is small, it’s open to the public but not advertised as they prefer smaller numbers due to the nature of the activity.

DD’s friends mum has signed up the DS of one of her friends, who is also friends with her son. My son doesn’t know him. Instead of going with his friend, he’ll now be part of a 3 with a random kid, who is a year older. I suspect he will be left out quite a bit as the other two get on well and the older boy can be a bit intense. Friends mum knows all about DS’s issues and that we are working on it.

AIBU on this? If it was a large course that was advertised I’d totally accept that is life. But I’ve chosen this course specifically as it’s small and suits DS’s current situation. The other child would never have known about it if friends mum hadn’t enrolled him. I personally would not invite another unknown child to something someone else had arranged - but am I being unreasonable?

That’s what am not getting either!

If someone else had booked something for their child and mine, and paid for it, I wouldn't take it upon myself to book another random kid on.
If I had booked it maybe, but not in the OP's scenario.

If I booked for my dd and her friend to go to the cinema, then her friends mum booked another kid on that mine barely knew, I would think it odd behaviour.

Not suprised at the responses though, no thoughts, just a desperate need to upset a stranger.

Sorry OP but this is your problem to manage and with kindness you can’t expect others to tiptoe around this.

There will be millions of situations in your son’s life when he will have to accommodate people who he hasn’t chosen to be with. While its reasonable to support him with anxiety he needs to learn that he won’t always be in control of this.

It will absolutely not do your child any good in the long term for you to try and dictate his environment to this extent, OP.

You say he struggles when he goes to places where there are kids he doesn't know- but there are presumably already more than just the three of them on the course? So that's not actually the problem- it's that you don't want him to have to share his close friend's time and attention, and I'm afraid you really can't and shouldn't try to control that.

Agree with pps who've said you should invite the third child over and turn it into a positive. I cannot see how anything else isn't both unreasonable and potentially harmful to the friendship he's got.

The friend likely mentioned the course to her friend who went ahead and booked it for her son!

i think you are getting a bit of a hard time op, and I actually think if you hadn’t put anything about your son struggling you would have gotten different answers.

if I’ve read this right - you booked and paid for your son to do something with his friend, yes? They accepted this course/play date, all is good.

then, without prior conversation, the friends mum has invited someone else along to the thing you had booked in for your son and his friend.

i think that’s rude.

I think that if someone made a post on here to say they’d booked tickets to an event for them and their friend and their friend then went on to add someone else, the responses would say they were out of order.

This was my thought. What’s to say this other child doesn’t chum up with somebody else on the course anyway? And he should be completely free to do that. I would hate to think that my child was being restricted because another mother was expecting him to be friends with her son only.

I don't get it. It's a course, so there will be other kids. Unless you demanded from the club that only your son and friend get to be together with the instructor, which I doubt is the case.

Surely it is better therefore that the 'strangers' that will join will be other kids that are friends with his friend.

To be honest, it comes like you are using his social anxiety, which yourself admit is not severe to control his friendship. The bottom line is your son wanted exclusivity from this friend and you reinforce this by actually paying for this friend

It's really not something you should encourage your son to value. You should use this situation to teach your son that getting to know new people and maybe making new friends within the security of a joint friend is something to welcome, not fear or get upset about.

You definitely don't want to set your son in believing that it is his right to control people he is close to to suit his needs. The consequences of growing up thinking this is acceptable are very dangerous.

I know quite a lot about anxiety and the best way to help him overcome it into adulthood is repeatedly to be in situations where he has to, it will be good for him

It was the mum of the friend the OP booked on that booked the other kid on. It says so in the OP.

The other children might have anxiety you don't know about. So might the other people attending the group. The kids may have a great time together.

then, without prior conversation, the friends mum has invited someone else along to the thing you had booked in for your son and his friend.
i think that’s rude.

But we dont actually know how this went down. If the mum was just chatting to another mum and she happened to mention it and this parent said "oh thats sounds great! I'm going to sign Sammy up for it too!" what on earth is she supposed to say?- "NO- you arent allowed"?

I think it's a bit harsh to ascribe unpleasant intentions to this other mum when we dont actually know she had them. Also- as others have said, there are no guarantees the OP's son's friend wont make friends with other kids there either!

The course is open to the public, you don’t get to dictate who goes on it.

Why on earth should another child miss out just because you want things your way? And what message does that send to your DS?!

I really don't think the cinema/event analogy works, @FoldItIn and @bitmiffed26. It's a course- the whole point is that you book on to the same one as strangers!

This is all.seems very odd.

You sort of outline a problem then mitigate all the bits in later posts.

What is the issue?

If you feel that the other child is now going to go off with the third, why not extend an invite to another friend or 2? Make it a group thing with plenty of people he knows and feels comfortable with?

Surely the people running the course don't want to run it under numbers? So filling the spaces is good?

Seems unfair to call child 3 a bit intense tbh.

it was the friends mum that booked the third child a spot, not the mum of the third child.

Having one friend there, another loosely connected and then strangers is a really good scaffold system for a child with anxiety. I would be looking at this as a positive, it’s an extra person who will be interacting with him while he scopes out the others. Surely the whole point of sending him to the kids club is to expand his social connection?

you paid for her child?
then it is unreasonable
otoh, the older boy may want to make new friends his own age.

When my dd started school, another mother tried to make my child into the carer of hers. Apparently her child felt more safe and settled when my child was with her. She went to the teacher about it and my child was expected to look after this other girl.

I was really unhappy when I found out and told the teacher that my child was her own person and not a prop for someone else’s mental health problems.

I would leave the thread @Sassysangria2201 the lonelys are out in force this morning.

The friends mum did an odd thing, I think most people have misread and not realised it was her who booked another child on.

I agree with @bitmiffed26 that had you not mentioned your son's struggles, you would have recieved different replies. Which is incredibly sad.

Actually it does come across that way to me - and I say that as a parents of a child with such severe social anxiety he struggles to leave the house.

There are 3 children in this situation but the OP is expecting one to taking on the role of caring for her child and one not to experience something new all because of her child. That’s not fair on either of the other two children.

you can’t try to dictate what others do and who they interact with to suit what you want for your own child.

My DD14 has anxiety and she also does not like being in situations where she doesn’t know people. She’s horrified at the thought. Unless you want your child to have a terrifically small life they have to sit with the discomfort. They have to sit with the discomfort and learn that nothing bad happened. I know that’s tough and just last night I had to field multiple calls from my DD who is on her Duke of Edinburgh expedition absolutely pleading to come home. It’s really horrible to deal with. Your son needs some strategies for dealing with situations where he feels uncomfortable because the whole
world is not going to accommodate him. It will be fine… he’ll do it.

Ok but even so- the scenario I outlined still stands doesnt it? - if this mum said to her "oh thats sounds great!, please book Sammy on it" what is she supposed to say?

I really dont think it's helpful to imply to the OP that this other mum had nefarious intentions. You dont know that. I suspect the OP also has anxiety herself and implying that people are out to create problems for her son deliberately isnt helping

I don't think the cinema or play date example is quite like for like though?

I'm reading this as a holiday club type setting like football or climbing camp. So many kids that will all likely interact with each other through the day/do group work activities led by the course leaders?

So encouragement of kids being involved with other kids and likely not everyone going with a friend.

Its very likely mum B mentioned to a friend her kid was going and that mum said their kid would love it so mum B didn't see an issue in inviting them along

My eldest has mild anxiety also. The thing is he can’t be made comfortable all the time. We teach him and let him build resilience in small ways and then gradually build from there. Your child will be fine at this camp. You simply can’t protect him all the time.