AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

[PeachesxBDA]

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

i’m sorry you’re having a rough time but I think you set yourself up for disappointment here. You agreed to a holiday it doesn’t really sound like you wanted to do with parents you find difficult. Then you went in the holiday despite an event that had left you feeling on edge and tearful, and without your teenagers who would have acted as a buffer. It had disaster written all over it from the start. I think you need stronger boundaries to say no from the start. Good luck.

How did they get access to the cottahe you had booked before you?

This is absolutely insane, but I'm also wondering how they got access to the cottage you booked?! Did they break in?

You shouldn't have agreed to go away with them, and you should have cancelled when the traumatic thing happened. You need better boundaries with your parents given how they behave. I'm sorry you're experiencing a sad time and your holiday is ruined :(

I honestly only really see the parents perspective here and I always hate how peopleon MN blame the original poster for everything.

It seems like your parents are constantly trying to reach out to you and try to cheer you up and you don't want it. Trying to make connection is normal, loving parental behaviour. I don't know why there's the miscommunication but I imagine your parents love you very much and feel constantly rejected.

Connection is one thing. Control and taking over is another.

These parents have overruled all the decisions OP as an adult made for herself. If I were the OP I would be leaving the next day too.

Did you send them the check in details? I’m guessing so given they’d already unpacked. What happened to their cottage? They should have asked, but I guess it makes sense if there is a refund available to use one cottage not two. I guess they don’t realise how much they get on your nerves, and maybe thought it would be nice. Why sleep on the sofa instead of a bed? Seems like a childish protest, just tell them you don’t want to share a cottage and tell them why. Then decide if you’re staying on your holiday or not.

This is madness! Tell them to get out or pay you for the cottage

After raising a child for 20 years, the parents should know that jollying OP along and forcing her attention is intrusive and unwelcome. How could they not?

I don't understand how they gained access to the cottage, but the fact they assumed they could take the master bedroom in a cottage they didn't book or pay for, shows how presumptuous and selfish they are. And videoing someone when they know they are dealing with trauma is crass, insensitive and controlling. It's demanding OP put on a happy face when it is the last thing she wants to do. I'd have turned around and gone home too.

Sorry you are having a rough time OP.

My adult DS is autistic and therefore can imagine the anxiety and stress that whole scenario would have caused. The changes were multiple, not agreed and made without any warning.
Whilst I’m trying to be kind to your parents who may have had good intentions,I don’t think they understand you and your feelings well enough for this to ever have gone well.

There is an awful lot of info there but unclear how much of it is relevant/necessary. What was the trauma? how did your parents get access to the cottage?

Them unpacking and taking over? Not okay. Seeing the room your daughter was meant to be in and getting upset? Maybe a bit dramatic as that room was never going to disappear.

Did your parents book both cottages? I can see why they thought it would make sense.
They sound like they’re trying to be understanding and do the right thing but just get it wrong and mismatched for op.

You're not unreasonable OP. Your DP may have thought they were doing something nice, providing company for you when you were all alone and having had something upsetting happen just before. However, they lack communication and should have discussed the change with you before making an assumption and just moving in to the cottage. The only unreasonable bit was sleeping in the lounge when there was another bedroom available. Is this happening in real time? Are you going to go home today, or are they prepared to go back to their own accommodation?

I'd be upset too OP and would be heading home.

If you do want to stay, could you use their accommodation rather than yours?

This ……they must have had details of your booking, where to get keys/key code, and the address of the cottage!
Can’t help thinking that you have set yourself up by sharing too much information from the start.

Why don't you go and stay in the cottage you booked for your parents ?

Your parents are problematic, OP, but you know the answer. In future, just book the holidays you and your kids want, and don't even tell your parents when and where you're going. You know what they're like, so I'm not sure why you're still pandering to them. You are a mature adult, so just keep your parents at a distance and get on with your life.

Your sleeping on the sofa was unnecessarily dramatic. The rest of it is all on them. They’ve steam rollered over your wishes and feelings. I think I would just get the train home early.

It sounds like they have overstepped the mark here and you need to be very clear and say to them look I want to stay on my own I need some privacy at the moment . Either that or just go home because it doesn’t sound like you are in a good place at all for enjoying a holiday

Your teenagers set you up. They didn't want to go and got you to take the hit of holidaying with your parents.
You are allowed to say no. To all of them, parents, teens, etc.

I'd be telling them to get out of my room (master is clearly for you as you made the booking). Did they actually book any accommodation themselves or were they always planning on imposing?
Cheeky F*s
Clear them out

You only see the parents side? Are you not capable of putting yourself in the position a child who's parents override and bully them at every turn?

Op like pp have said, it's ok to say no. No to your parents, no to your teens.
I'm not blaming you as it's clear your parents are dismissive of you, disrespectful and bullies. It's hard when you've been conditioned all your life to put everyone else first.
Start saying no and enforcing it.

"No this is my cottage that I paid for, you either leave and go to your accommodation or I'm leaving". Then follow through.

Don't make empty threats, you need to be able to enforce it or they wont take your seriously.

I hope you can find it in yourself today to be blunt and to the point with them Op.
They've not only moved into the accommodation you paid for without asking, they've stolen your room. They've ignored your wishes in wanting to stay there alone. Don't go home, ask them to leave.
If they insist don't get into protracted wrangling. Pack up to go, point out that they owe you the cost of your holiday cottage as they've effectively taken it from you.
Having said that... in your shoes I'd be so mad that I'd be packing their bags for them as soon as I got up.

Nope!
who the actual duc kids their child out of their accommodation bedroom that they know they need and invite themselves to a holiday they’ve been told they are not invited to? 100% they planned jt and cancelled their own accommodation

I think you need to explain what this “trauma” was as it’s hard to work out whether you’re overreacting or whether your parents are being insensitive.