AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

[PeachesxBDA]

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

Did you leave? Well done for that. Although ideally they should have left.

What’s happening today OP? Have you decided to go home. Such a shame the teens didn’t come. Might they reconsider?

Also I have a dh and a dc on the spectrum.
Bring autistic, POSSIBLY you have no idea about that, the OP certainly doesn’t say they are, does NOT entitle you to behave in a rude manner.

Waiting and asking the person who paid for the cottage and who is going to stay there all week is just common decency. After all these years, if they were autistic, thry ought to have learnt.
Asking if the OP was ok with them staying all week is also just an easy nirmal behaviour to learn.

We need to stop using autism as an excuse for any bad behaviour.
Trust theres already plenty in autism can be hard to live with and does need accommodation. But those aren’t that.

You do not get on with them and find their arguing distressing but you did agree to go on holiday with them. Once they knew you might be on your own they decided to stay with you to keep you company, which is not wholly unreasonable. They have no way of knowing that you do not want to be with them.

They should have asked you if this was what you wanted.

Did your parents know about the trauma? Would the trauma have been something your (presumably neurotypical) parents wouldn't have thought was a big deal if they did know about it?

I think your response to seeing a room in a holiday cottage that your teens (who I assume are all well and safe at home as was their choice) would have stayed in was disproportionate and I don't understand why you slept elsewhere.

Yes, annoying that your parents had taken the bigger room that you wanted but from their perspective they'll possibly have thought "there are 2 of us, we'll take the double and seeing as DD is coming on her own, she can have the other room".

Did they cancel the other cottage and suggest splitting the cost of the two? Again, that sounds sensible on paper and I'm guessing they just don't or won't understand why you wanted a whole separate building to them.

Yes you agreed to being in two separate buildings but that's when your teens were joining you.

The comms are bad or non-existent but I don't think it's come from a mean or hateful place.

Can we assume that they don't understand or know much about what autism is, how you and your children experience the world, what you need in place?

They experience the world differently to you.

Without knowing what the trauma was I don't know for sure but I'd also guess that it's shaken you and the teens up enough that you should've just cancelled the whole thing for all of you and told your parents to enjoy their time away.

Them staying the first night was never a good move. When that was suggested I would have said no and that I would book a taxi or drive and refused to back down

It depends on the type of parents they are. If this was mine, I wouldn't turn a hair at this. If they are normally overbearing af and a general nightmare, YANBU.

We can't know though.

It all sounds very odd. I would have tried to encourage the teens to come for a change of scenery. I wouldn’t have told the parents that the key would be under a mat (that’s odd in itself. Keys are usually kept in key safes) and it’s odd that they’ve taken over the master bedroom. Did you pay for all of the holiday?

Sorry this happened, OP. They sound insufferable.

I don't think it's matter. Her parents took over her accommodation against her will. Doesn't matter if she's traumatised or not - they had not right to do that (unless there's a big drip feed like the gp are paying for everything).

If you honestly think they were being kind, then you've never experienced parents who endlessly try and push your boundaries. Mine are very similar. It's dressed up as kindness but really it's about control. It's exhausting, relentless and makes you feel like an angry powerless child when you try and push back.

OP - just go home. You don't need this right now and you're clearly not going to enjoy yourself.

How did they know it was under the mat?

It sounds like they're staying at mates' houses/caravans rather than eg an AirBNB.

"You never gave them a chance...because what they did isn't so unusual"

Yes, it's unusual. They made their way into her cottage against her will and without telling her! They changed the pre-agreed holiday arrangements leaving OP with no option but to stay with them, which she had already said she didn't want to do.

This is exactly the sort of stuff my DPs would do as it’s ‘easier’ or ‘nicer’ (for them). As someone who similarly needs quiet and who’s parents are constantly sniping/arguing but then pretending like nothings wrong, I can only say you know your own boundaries, triggers and tolerances. I urge you to give them some grace to step up and illustrate their support, otherwise stick to them.

I hope you and your dc are ok after the incident and that you get sorted, whatever way that is best for you.

What happened then, have you gone home? What did they say?

I agree. They sound awfully controlling. And selfish.

Both I and DH have parenst who can overstep - over rule us - you need to be clear and direct in communictaion and speak up if something doesn't work even even if it may cause upset - other people are not mind readers - if once you are clam and clear about what is acceptable then if that's not listen to - you leave or have angry words.

Often they a a reliance of you giving in - and if you are firm poltienss and social lubication can often work the other way ie in your favour as well.

Hindsight always 20/20 hoilday with then sounds like it was always going to be fraught and when the traumatic thing happened - may have been better to cancel like the teens.

I think they are CFs to have moved themselves in to the master bedroom of YOUR holiday rental and then act like they were doing you a big favor.

@PeachesxBDA
Look OP.
This is classic multi generational ND family.
NT posters can analyse all they like, but they probably won’t understand the processing times required to make changes.

At least one of your parents will most likely be ND.

When it comes to processing the change of parent child relationships within ND families, it can easily take double the time.

This is because all of the people involved require longer processing times. Both the parents and the children will need far longer to even become aware that the dynamic between them needs modifications.
I didn’t start to even question the dynamic until I hit 40.
This doesn’t mean that things can’t change but it will take me a long time to make changes and the same for them.

Yanbu.
Your parents have argued your whole life and being with them is triggering.
I get that.

They did what they wanted to.
They still see you as a child that has zero rights to an opinion.

Learn from this and do not make the same mistake again.
Keep your arrangements strictly private.

Trauma from a volatile home growing up is a life long burden that gets burnt into your DNA.
It makes you very sensitive to a bad atmosphere and feeling powerless.

I grew up in such an atmosphere and decided as a young adult that I woild never stay in the family home again to avoid such powerlessness.

I never regretted my decision.

That is a very good point. I read something recently, I will see if I can find it again, but 80% of ND children have at least one ND parent.

It is certainly something that gets commented on a lot at our Autism parenting groups, parents saying “the second our child was diagnosed I started noticing x,y and z in me or their other parent”.

However poor behaviour is poor behaviour and it does not need to be excused away, even if they are autistic that does not excuse them trampling over explicit boundaries.

Your parents don’t really seem to know you at all, OP. And they certainly don’t seem to have much respect for a grown woman either.

I’d be very unhappy in your shoes, too, OP. Have your parents packed up and gone to their own accommodation? Apologised for overstepping the mark? These things are the very least they can do. But I can understand if you still wanted to just go home and be with your kids.

OP, if your parents had alternative accommodation, why didn’t they just stay there? I’m assuming you paid for the cottage - I’d have been fuming in your situation. Very unreasonable of your parents not only to take your accommodation, but also to nab the best room, although I expect from their POV, there are two of them and only one if you - they seem to have overlooked the fact that they weren’t meant to be there at all. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt in that they were trying to be kind, giving you a lift and worrying about the rural location, but I do understand why you were so put out, OP.

I think when a severe traumatic event happens, and in its immediate aftermath, it's very difficult to think clearly, obviously for the people directly involved, and also for those who love them.

For example I can remember almost going into work on the day my dad died - he had been dying for over a week, most of which I had spent at his bedside, I was hugely traumatised and hadn't slept for days, my dad wanted me with him constantly..... and for some reason I suddenly decided it was a good idea to go into work! Luckily my mom phoned me at the bus stop and said I needed to get there ASAP as he wanted me - and he actually died that day.....

My point being, we all do irrational things when traumatised. Whatever has happened, OP you clearly need to be with your kids at this point, supporting each other and trying to come to terms with it. Going on holiday was a crazy idea, but I don't blame you in the least, as who doesn't do crazy things in these circumstances?

I don't think your parents are to blame, as clearly they love you and would be worried about their traumatised daughter staying on her own one day after experiencing a serious incident - any parent would feel the same.

You need to focus on surviving/healing now. The holiday is utterly irrelevant.

Really sorry for whatever you have been through.