AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

[PeachesxBDA]

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

sory your boundaries were ignored but you sound dramatic.

If you only see the parents' perspective here, you must be an absolutely suffocating person to be around.

It is not 'showing love' to ignore another person's wishes and override their wish to have some space. That's not love. It's not connection. It's a complete disregard for the feelings and needs of another adult and it's incredibly fucking selfish. It's also really infantilising to assume that you know better about what's good for another adult than that adult knows themselves.

The OP had already indicated that she was happy to spend some time with her parents on holiday, but that she needed a bit of space to relax on her own. Her parents, however, simply refused to accept that and forced themselves into her space. They insisted that the location the OP chose for herself was 'too rural' and 'too quiet' even though rural and quiet was exactly what she wanted. They refused to accept that the OP needed some time alone to relax and reflect, even though she made this very clear to them. They didn't even ask her before they moved her stuff into HER holiday cottage.

None of this behaviour is 'showing love'. It's just being controlling, domineering and crass. If they wanted to show their daughter love and have a 'connection' with her, they wouldn't trample over her feelings like that. They sound like the most suffocating parents imaginable.

Dramatic how? Her parents muscled in without asking on her private space, at exactly the time when she most needed some time alone after a traumatic experience. She doesn't sound dramatic to me. She was still shocked after something upsetting that happened immediately before the holiday, and she just wanted some peace.

If the 'traumatic experience' was, eg, somebody breaking a plate or their team losing at cricket, then sure, the OP would sound dramatic. But for all you know it might have been something like the family dog being killed by a car, in which case the OP feeling a bit tearful and sad wouldn't be 'dramatic' at all.

This thread confirms my long held theory that posters just display the state of their own relationship with whoever is under discussion.
In absolute honesty, Mumsnet is the last place I’d go to for trustworthy advice about people.

Crossing boundaries, overruling decisions and manipulating people into doing what you want is not loving behaviour.

I slept on the sofa because the thought of sleeping in the kids room was upsetting me. The sofa was perfectly comfortable. And I did tell them.

I think this is a little dramatic.

They never insisted it was too quiet or too rural, they were just trying to make her feel better because she was upset that her teens had not wanted to come to the trip that she was so looking forward to spending with them.

It was planned ahead of time that they would stay the night and so it’s reasonable that they would have unpacked some of their things.

They overstepped by assuming that they could stay the entire time but assumed that as OP was meant to be going there with her DCs and now was alone, that she’d be lonely and would welcome the company.

OP was in a bit of a sensitive mood, almost crying because the journey was long and then because her dad was being jolly and so anything they did was wrong.
She was being silly about not sleeping in the ‘girls beds’ when they’d never even visited the cottage.

She was tired and so I would have gone to bed and see how I felt in the morning.
If I still didn’t want the parents staying then I would have spoke to them in the morning.

I don’t believe there was anything intentionally malicious in their actions.

They never insisted it was too quiet or too rural

Yes, they did. Read the OP's post again. She specifically says they told her it was good she hadn't brought her teenagers with her because it was 'too rural' for a holiday with teens and they also then told her that it was 'too rural' and 'too lonely' for her to stay their on her own. It's right there in the opening post.

They also told her she was 'killing them' by not wanting to spend the entire week with them in the same holiday cottage.

Can you seriously not see how controlling and emotionally manipulative that is? They repeatedly told her that the property she had specifically chosen for herself wasn't suitable for her (or indeed her teenagers) to stay in alone, and when she explained that she really did want the peace and quiet, they told her she was 'killing them' by just wanting to have some time alone on her own holiday.

They might well not realise that they're being suffocating and overbearing and refusing to accept the autonomy of another adult. Nonetheless, that is exactly what they're doing.

I don't think your parents are to blame, as clearly they love you and would be worried about their traumatised daughter staying on her own one day after experiencing a serious incident - any parent would feel the same.

Well, I don't think any parent would feel the same.

I think a decent parent - certainly one who actually knew their adult child's personality and could accept that she is capable of making her own choices - would actually listen to what their child wanted, rather than just assuming she wants/needs company just because that's what they'd want if they were her.

I had some extremely upsetting news last year while my DP and I were on holiday. I actually asked my DP to go out that day and leave me in our holiday cottage on my own. Because when I'm upset, I really do prefer to be on my own. And because he loves me and understands me and is aware that I know my own mind, he agreed to do what I asked of him. I think a decent parent, one who had an ounce of sensitivity, would have done the same.

Honestly hearing validation that I'm not just a drama queen and horrible person means so mich. They get in my head and make me think setting bpundarirs is selfish. .

They weren't staying in a cottage. I booked my cottage. The key was under thr front mat.. i agreed thry could go in the cottage to wait yo pick me up from the station. Then I also agreed they could stay the night.

It was late annd I found yhe thought og sleeping in that room distressing. I feel ok abouy iy now. I had a perfectly comfortable night on the sofa.

From my reading, you agreed to that as things progressed after they insisted on collecting you or was it in advance?

What is happening today?

I think in retrospect with their controlling personalities that was a mistake. Once it became clear they felt they had to stay overnight the first night if they were to pick you up because wherever they are staying is far too far away for them to just drive back I would have said in that case I would get a taxi or drive. I think if you get public transport you do make yourself dependent on the person giving a lift if they are anti taxi which many older people are. They maybe felt if you are that remote with no car they’d be doing all the driving. They still should have asked before assuming they could stay more than 1 night but I would have still taken a car to have more independence or not told them I was getting a train and just said I’d see them the day after I arrived so they had no reason to come to my house on arrival day and got settled in their own place

Oh and yes, they have gone to their accomodation now. I've decided to stay as it is beautiful here and the solitude in nature is just what I need. Weird how my parents (well dad, really - this all came from him) doesn't know me at all. I've apologised for the upset last night but made clear my boundaries need to be respected. I'm cutting down the time I would have spent with them now but will still meet up with them. I've said we need to play it by ear at the moment.

I gave them the information based on them waiting there to pick me up off the train.

They don't have a cottage they have a guest room in a retirement complex.

That’s good. I’m pleased they left. He sounded the overbearing one with his insistence on picking you up although many older people feel it’s rude not to pick people up which is why I wouldn’t have mentioned catching a train unless I wanted a lift

Well done @PeachesxBDA you handled that beautifully. Xx

They were trying to help in their own way, but I think it may have been better not to have gone in the first place. You already knew you were not in the holiday mood and I think you may be sensitive right now as not in a good place - which is totally understandable.

Am sorry OP, that having such a rough time of it. I hope things get better asap.

That sounds perfect ❤️

I’m glad you spoke to them and they listened to you.

I think you were distressed over the trauma, upset your DCs weren’t coming and tired from the journey and so things just got on top of you.

It sounds as though staying in a rural cottage is exactly what you need right now 💐

As far as I know they did book their accomodation.

Another thing that really upset me is that at home I don't have a bedroom I sleep on the sofa. So when I go on holiday it is a real treat to have a double bed to spread out in and a wardrobe to put my clothes in.

Thank you, thos is so helpful. I really think I have been conditioned to put everyone above me.

To be fair to my teens they did want me to have a holiday and thought the change of scene would help me as well ae not wanting to ruin my parent's holiday.

To be fair there was a bedroom for you, you just chose to sleep on the couch for some reason. How in the world can sleeping in a bedroom, you’ve never been to, such a big deal? I don’t think missing your kids so much you won’t sleep in the room they were supposed to have, is normal…
You do sound like a lot of work but it’s hard to know without having any idea what the traumatic event was before you left.

I don't want to talk about the trauma too much but it was regarding my abusive ex who did something to the DC but opened up old wounds for them and me.