AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

[PeachesxBDA]

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

Is everyone missing the part where op AGREED to go on holiday with them? No one forced her, and the parents didn't turn up unannounced as a bad surprise - although op is very much making it sound like that's what has happened.

Are you missing the part where people can be bounced into agreeing to something that at heart they don't want?

This is outrageous. OP now you know never to change your holiday or any other plans for them again. They obviously knew you wouldn’t be happy with the new arrangements or they would have suggested it rather than just arriving and unpacking. It’s beyond cheeky.

She also agreed to let them spend the first night in the cottage. They shouldn't have taken the master bedroom though.

She agreed to go to the same location as them. She clearly did not agree to share accommodation with them. She stated extremely clear boundaries around that including needing her own time away.

My parents in law hated each other and bickered constantly, it was absolutely awful to spend prolonged time around them because it is so emotionally draining.

There was no way I’d share accommodation with them but I might be willing to spend some time with them.

These are different things, giving rise to clear opportunities to take a break from each other.

DH left home at 20 and returned only for very short stints to keep away from the dynamics.

If you are from a pretty healthy family you need to be aware that different rules apply to dysfunctional families.

If they were even slightly thinking of the OP they would not have taken the master bedroom in HER accommodation and would not have unpacked. I would be livid with this and if they wouldn’t immediately pack up and go to their house would be going home and telling them they had ruined my holiday by taking over MY house and not asking me if they could stay but treating me like a small child they could walk over

I think some people are also missing that fact that it was agreed that the parents would stay there the first night.

It is reasonable that they took the double bed because OP didn’t want them sleeping in the DCs room.

The only thing the parents have done wrong is suggesting they stay in the cottage for the duration - although I believe they had OPs best interests at heart.

OP was tired and emotional and so if it was me, I would have suggested discussing it in the morning.

Then after I slept on it I would have either decided to tell them that I want the entire cottage to myself or tried it for a few nights and see how I got on.

If OP and her DC are autistic then it’s like her parents could be too.

Where else would they have slept?

You’d really expect 2 60+ people to sleep on the sofa?

Fwiw op I 100% disagree with this comment. They sound overbearing. Well done for standing up to them in the end.

They could have slept in the twin bed room the teenagers were to sleep in. I am in my 60s and would not take the master bedroom in someone else’s holiday cottage. It wasn’t their house to enter. How did they know the key was under the mat though? They knew too much about this house

I agree that agreeing to them staying the first night was a mistake and I wouldn’t have been getting a lift from them either as then it’s hard to get rid of them

The parents were meant to book their own separate accommodation, have some people missed this detail? They were not meant to be staying any night. That was a deliberate boundary put in by the OP because she experiences their constant bickering as impacting her emotional wellbeing.

Some posters are saying she needs better boundaries but her parents have ignored her explicit stated boundaries. That is where the problem lies.

OP said she didn’t want anyone sleeping in the DCs room, which is why she slept on the sofa.

Why would a single person sleep in a double, whilst a couple sleep in 2 single beds anyway.
That wouldn’t make sense.

It wasn’t a malicious act.
It was just common sense and if they’re autistic they probably just went with the most common sense option.

It's possible the parents understood the boundaries in relation to room and the children and once they weren't coming thought things had changed..I'm not sure why OP would trap herself by going by train (*I have difficult parents and would never), accepting a joint stay and a lift to the cottage ...which is how the parents gained entry via OP

They were meant to be staying the first night, that was the plan and how they had access to the cottage without OP being there.

And apparently they have free accommodation (perhaps friends), which I’m assuming is still an option for them.

The OP sounds as though she overinvolved them when the arrangements were vhanged though and agreed even under duress to them( why did they both have to come to station) picking her up and staying first night so sounds as though her parents house was a long way away. If she didn’t want them to do this she shouldn’t have discussed her travel arrangements with them and just said the teens weren’t coming and she’d see them the next day. Once she mentioned getting a train there is a degree of inevitability to the rest if she told them the details of her travel plans.

I agree it doesn’t sound as though her parents had sorted out accommodation they actually liked

What you are describing is only true with people who overstep boundaries and don’t give a shit about respecting other people/being polite at the very least.

The OP acted as if her family/parents were decent.
Theyve just proven they are not.

I wouldn’t berate the OP for not having guess that, esp seeing she was likely still in shock from previous trauma

Maybe because
1- the OP paid for the cottage and was supposed to stay there tge whole if the time. They didn’t.
2- they just ASSUMED. Theyve didn’t ask, they took what they wanted
3- it’s not obvious that a couple will want the double. My parents don’t. They prefer twin beds 🤷‍♀️ And more to the point, why should tge OP have to sleep in a bed they sleep in before just because of that?

You get that there was an upsetting event the day before they were supposed to go ? Why would you think it was their plan not to go all along ?

It’s a holiday cottage and so lots of people would have slept in the same bed.
Just change the sheets and it would be fine.

Of course they shouldn’t have just assumed it would be on but most decent people wouldn’t see their elderly parents sleeping on the sofa.

They overstepped but there was nothing malicious in it.

They are likely autistic and just went with the option that made the most common sense.

I agree that your parents are a real pain OP and haven’t really listed to your needs and feelings about this holiday.
So are you still there or did you leave?
I suppose the thing now will be to reinforce your boundaries with them, it doesn’t sound as if it will be easy. But I hope you succeed, for your future happiness.

There was a twin room for the teenagers they could have slept in. They should not have unpacked anything and “ chosen” a room until the op arrived and they asked if they could stay for longer.

Change the sheets with what?
It’s a holiday fottage. There isn’t usually spare sheets….

I do wonder why they weren’t happy with the place they had booked though