AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

[PeachesxBDA]

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

You’ve obv shared too much detail with them OP. Even to the point of a key safe code or similar.

With parents like this less is more.

what was the trauma? If you don’t mind sharing? I’m thinking a pet bereavement? Shame your teens decided not to go.

Honestly i think going was a mistake full stop.

Having decided to go letting them pick you up and agreeing they sleep over was also a mistake - you should have got a local taxi or driven.

I terms of the rest I am 50/50.
Even from your OP you sound hypersensitive,/ shaken / upset / unbalanced from whatever happened before.

All the things pre cottage arrival - you're being very sensitive/ nit picky.
Taking the main bedroom yanbu. It is NOT cool. Its kinda wild tbh....but people who do this kind of thing generally dont do it out of the blue...so again more fool you gor not getting a taxi.

Its not clear not they are there... do they not have their own unused holiday let - can you not stay there?

Why are the rentals so far apart?

You sound like you want to ve with your kids maybe just go home....

my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead.

So what's the issue? You said yes. Say no next time, then.

A previous poster asked what the trauma was. I've seen this before on threads where people feel they are entitled to know more than OPs are willing to share. If enough information isn't provided for them to comment, don't comment. But I'm not sure that is the real reason. I think on threads like yours they want to know what the trauma is so they can judge if it is trauma or traumatic enough to warrant the OPs reaction. The event doesn't matter, it is how a poster feels about an event that does, even if it is different to how some random person on MN might feel in the same situation.

OP, I hope you are feeling a little more relaxed about what you need to do, whether that be go home or stay and try to resolve the accommodation issues your parents have caused. If the latter, I hope you have an enjoyable holiday.

This trauma, whatever it was, happened to all of you, affected you all badly enough to not want to go on the holiday and yet you decided to go away and leave your kids to cope on their own? That's the bit I don't understand. You don't seem to be able to put yourself in anyone else's shoes, OP. I feel sorry for your parents. Although I don't think they should have taken over as they have done, it's clear that they think they have done the best thing for you. Do you generally make people dance around your autism so that they feel they have to look after you, even now? And stomping off to sleep in the living room is childish behaviour. Quite ridiculous.

I'm another one intrigued to know how they gained entry to the cottage.

I think it all depends on the trauma.
They definitely overstepped taking over the cottage.
But I dont understand why you didnt sleep in the bedroom. It isn't your kids actual bedroom. They hadn't even been inside the cottage.

It sounds like a lot of drama over small things that really as adults could have been discussed and sorted.
You obviously from the get go didnt want to go with them at all. Which definitely makes you see and feel everything in a negative light. And thats justified with the fact you find them arguing hard to deal with .
In future just plan simple things like a meal or walk. Avoid holidays with them.

Come on! OP's parents have massively overstepped. They moved into her cottage without even discussing it with her. There is obviously a reason why she didn't want to share accommodation with them and they took advantage of the changed situation to impose themselves where they are not welcome.

It’s all mad.

You went looking for a fight. You agreed to go knowing that it wasn’t what you wanted to do and that it would not suit your kids. You almost fired because the journey was long. How did they get the key?

Who's not reading the OPP? Someone has died or similar. Parents constantly argue, OP is autistic and needs space, which also means sudden changes are hard to process. Parents are battering her boundaries and she's not feeling strong enough to stop them.

Being upset is understandable, others may think you're OTT but your feelings are your feelings. Going home is valid, being angry they've overstepped is understandable, I'd be fuming.

Ok, so some points.
Why did you not say no to your parents from the start? ‘Sorry mum and dad, we’re having a quiet break this year just ourselves’
Why did you not cancel the holiday in light of the traumatic event that stopped your Dc from going?
Who looked after your traumatised DC?
How come you only decided to take the train the day before the trip? Surely you’d planned the travel well in advance?
Where were your parents supposed to be staying?

Going forward they need the diet of least information..

Sorry for whatever happened. You all sound quite intense.

why not go and stay in the cottage your parents booked? It must be empty and paid for

This sounds awful, OP and I'm not surprised it has upset you. Your parents are overbearing, insensitive and controlling.

If I was in your shoes, I'd massively reduce contact with them, but I'm also awared that that may not be easy.

You are spending way too much time with your parents, and allowing them to walk all over you. No is no.

Go home, and be with your children it doesn’t sound like you want to be there op.

Stop constantly putting their wishes before your own.

Then you won't get upset when they get their way and you don't.

It sounds to me like your parents are all over you, and you need space and privacy to decompress. I get it. My DM is like that. If I'm upset, I need to withdraw and she pursues me - not with bad intentions, but we deal very differently with situations and she can't quite understand that.

Moving into the master bedroom was a CF move on their part. At that point I would have told them to go stay in their own accommodation, or I would pack up and go there. Though it sounds like the whole trip was a bad idea, really.

Say no next time and protect your peace.

Sometimes parents do things that jar with their now adult children purely out of love. But as the OP explained, her adult self wants something different.
I don’t see the need for a traumatic fallout. The OP is free to leave and return to her teens, leaving the parents to worry about her alone. I’m sure that’s at the basis of this situation.

Lesson learned, never agree to a holiday with them again and don't share details eg where, when etc.

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, boundaries are a huge problem for me.

The arrangements to get the key was that it was left under a mat so they were able to get it.

Where were they supposed to be staying?

It was cheeky, but I guess they took the bigger bedroom because there’s two of them.
OP, much as they might be overbearing and annoying, it sounds like they think they are doing the right thing being there for you and trying to look after you.
Try to project ahead for a few days – if you go home now with things sour, then both you and them are going to be miserable.
Could you put on a smile and compromise by staying for another day or two (or even just for lunch today) before travelling home? That way you’re leaving on a more positive note.
It does sound like things have been quite dramatic and intense. Maybe you have reverted a bit to teenage mode yourself with them – that’s quite a common thing for adults to do when with their parents!
Going forward, you can make an effort to put in more boundaries.

I'm amazed at the people defending the parents. To me it doesn't seem like they have taken any notice of what their daughter actually might want.

What strikes me is how the OP is so upset that her children with her, yet doesn’t understand that her own parents feel the same way about her and want to be with her. That doesn’t mean she has to share accommodation with them if she doesn’t want to, but to storm off in a huff from the whole holiday rather than calmly tell them to go to their own accommodation is overkill.