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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

260 replies

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 03:26

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:50

MajorProcrastination · 14/07/2026 12:29

Did your parents know about the trauma? Would the trauma have been something your (presumably neurotypical) parents wouldn't have thought was a big deal if they did know about it?

I think your response to seeing a room in a holiday cottage that your teens (who I assume are all well and safe at home as was their choice) would have stayed in was disproportionate and I don't understand why you slept elsewhere.

Yes, annoying that your parents had taken the bigger room that you wanted but from their perspective they'll possibly have thought "there are 2 of us, we'll take the double and seeing as DD is coming on her own, she can have the other room".

Did they cancel the other cottage and suggest splitting the cost of the two? Again, that sounds sensible on paper and I'm guessing they just don't or won't understand why you wanted a whole separate building to them.

Yes you agreed to being in two separate buildings but that's when your teens were joining you.

The comms are bad or non-existent but I don't think it's come from a mean or hateful place.

Can we assume that they don't understand or know much about what autism is, how you and your children experience the world, what you need in place?

They experience the world differently to you.

Without knowing what the trauma was I don't know for sure but I'd also guess that it's shaken you and the teens up enough that you should've just cancelled the whole thing for all of you and told your parents to enjoy their time away.

They knew about the trauma and were aware of the effect it had on me and the teens.

You may have thought me being sad seeing the 2nd bedroom was disproportionate but it was how I felt. Why would I sleep in a room that would make me feel worse than I already was when there was another option?

Personally I wouldn't have taken the double knowing the person letting me stay the night would then have to wash the sheets.

I have no idea if they cancelled their accomodation but they didn't suggest splitting yhe cost....you are missing that they didn't discuss anything! They just quietly moved themselves in while I was travelling there.

They know I would never choose to share with me. They didn't ask as knew I woud say no, I expect. They had all sorts of excuses as to why they didn't speak to me about it.

Yes, you are right they've never taken the time to learn about autism. I do try and talk about it with them occasionally. My mum is more receptive.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 15/07/2026 12:29

PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:50

They knew about the trauma and were aware of the effect it had on me and the teens.

You may have thought me being sad seeing the 2nd bedroom was disproportionate but it was how I felt. Why would I sleep in a room that would make me feel worse than I already was when there was another option?

Personally I wouldn't have taken the double knowing the person letting me stay the night would then have to wash the sheets.

I have no idea if they cancelled their accomodation but they didn't suggest splitting yhe cost....you are missing that they didn't discuss anything! They just quietly moved themselves in while I was travelling there.

They know I would never choose to share with me. They didn't ask as knew I woud say no, I expect. They had all sorts of excuses as to why they didn't speak to me about it.

Yes, you are right they've never taken the time to learn about autism. I do try and talk about it with them occasionally. My mum is more receptive.

Show quote history

Op, kindly, your reactions all sound so very disproportionate.

Your parents were probably trying to be supportive.

Whatever has upset you and your teens with your ex I hope you can get passed it and stop it having such a massive effect on your mood.

Try to be positive, try some calming apps or something to help with your mood and anxiety and try to stop being so very angry at your parents.

Good luck Flowers.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:19

rainbowstardrops · 14/07/2026 12:52

It all sounds very odd. I would have tried to encourage the teens to come for a change of scenery. I wouldn’t have told the parents that the key would be under a mat (that’s odd in itself. Keys are usually kept in key safes) and it’s odd that they’ve taken over the master bedroom. Did you pay for all of the holiday?

I was suprised about the key but it is so quiet here so presumably the hosts know it's safe. I only told them it was there as I agreed for them to enter the cottage before I arrived. I realise that was a big mistake, though.

I paid for all of my expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:23

Mangelwurzelfortea · 14/07/2026 12:56

If you honestly think they were being kind, then you've never experienced parents who endlessly try and push your boundaries. Mine are very similar. It's dressed up as kindness but really it's about control. It's exhausting, relentless and makes you feel like an angry powerless child when you try and push back.

OP - just go home. You don't need this right now and you're clearly not going to enjoy yourself.

Show quote history

I agree. Wish I could assume they were being kind, but experience tells me otherwise. It is exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:31

aloris · 14/07/2026 13:26

I think they are CFs to have moved themselves in to the master bedroom of YOUR holiday rental and then act like they were doing you a big favor.

Yes, that is what fucks with my head. Making out they were doing me a favour and trying to get me to feel guilty for not accepting their 'kind offer' (not that an offer was even made. ) Manipulating me to back down on my need for seperate accomadation. Giving me every reason under the sun why they didn't speak to me about it before hand. Apparently, they couldn't speak to me because they were 'in public', my dad was driving, because I was upset etc. etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:32

weavingrugs · 14/07/2026 13:29

@PeachesxBDA
Look OP.
This is classic multi generational ND family.
NT posters can analyse all they like, but they probably won’t understand the processing times required to make changes.

At least one of your parents will most likely be ND.

When it comes to processing the change of parent child relationships within ND families, it can easily take double the time.

This is because all of the people involved require longer processing times. Both the parents and the children will need far longer to even become aware that the dynamic between them needs modifications.
I didn’t start to even question the dynamic until I hit 40.
This doesn’t mean that things can’t change but it will take me a long time to make changes and the same for them.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Gengha · 15/07/2026 13:47

Why were you crying on the train journey?

Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do. If you don’t, not sure how anyone ca. help you.

2Rebecca · 15/07/2026 14:42

I think many people are being overly sympathetic to the parents. If they were really thinking of the OP they would not choose the nicest bedroom for themselves knowing they hadn’t been invited to stay for more than 1 night and the OP rarely gets to sleep in a bed and had paid for it. Being supportive would be not unpacking until the OP arrived and chose her room and then asking if she would like them to stay longer. That is what I would have done as a parent. Why did they not book a nice cottage? Are they cash strapped or is your dad mean? Sad for your mum if the latter. People who have money and won’t spend it are often happy to grap nice stuff if it’s free but resent paying for it.

SummerDive · 15/07/2026 15:46

Gloriia · 15/07/2026 10:39

Your dad's 'trap'?! Oh dear.

They were worried about you, whatever upset you've gone through clearly they wanted to help. They got it wrong but have listened and did as you asked.

Do try to be more tolerant, they had good intentions.

Show quote history

What in that story makes you think they were worried about the OP?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I mean if I’m worried about one if my adult dcs, I speak to them. I ask them what they want, what they would find helpful.
What I do NOT do is do Something (here staying at the same votrage) that I KNOW they don’t want without telling them and then arrive saying ‘tada! Look I’ve done done xyz!’ And then expect thanks.

And yes the OP was right. Coming to pick her up was a trap.
But then maybe it takes having parents like that to realise that some parents are manipulative and can’t ever think about anyone but themselves. And often under the guise of ‘caring’ or ‘being worried about you’

SummerDive · 15/07/2026 15:52

Gengha · 15/07/2026 13:47

Why were you crying on the train journey?

Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do. If you don’t, not sure how anyone ca. help you.

But the OP DIDand HAS said NO.
She said No to stopping in the same and booked HER OWN cottage - which they then invaded and settled in wo telling her.
And when she realised what they had done, she HAS to,d them to find another accommodation.

It’s not that the OP says nothing. It’s that her parents aren’t respecting her boundaries, think that, by pushing and forcing her to accept their presence, they could get away with it.

Making out tyat the OP is somehow wrong or didn’t do enough and blaming her is shit tbh

Gengha · 15/07/2026 16:43

SummerDive · 15/07/2026 15:52

But the OP DIDand HAS said NO.
She said No to stopping in the same and booked HER OWN cottage - which they then invaded and settled in wo telling her.
And when she realised what they had done, she HAS to,d them to find another accommodation.

It’s not that the OP says nothing. It’s that her parents aren’t respecting her boundaries, think that, by pushing and forcing her to accept their presence, they could get away with it.

Making out tyat the OP is somehow wrong or didn’t do enough and blaming her is shit tbh

Show quote history

But she didn’t want to go after the traumatic event but did anyway.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 08:16

chocoluv · 14/07/2026 14:41

I think this is a little dramatic.

They never insisted it was too quiet or too rural, they were just trying to make her feel better because she was upset that her teens had not wanted to come to the trip that she was so looking forward to spending with them.

It was planned ahead of time that they would stay the night and so it’s reasonable that they would have unpacked some of their things.

They overstepped by assuming that they could stay the entire time but assumed that as OP was meant to be going there with her DCs and now was alone, that she’d be lonely and would welcome the company.

OP was in a bit of a sensitive mood, almost crying because the journey was long and then because her dad was being jolly and so anything they did was wrong.
She was being silly about not sleeping in the ‘girls beds’ when they’d never even visited the cottage.

She was tired and so I would have gone to bed and see how I felt in the morning.
If I still didn’t want the parents staying then I would have spoke to them in the morning.

I don’t believe there was anything intentionally malicious in their actions.

Show quote history

Yes, they did say it was too quiet and too rural. They were trying to make me feel better how?

Assumed I'd want them there when I'd been explicit when planning the holiday that I wanted some alone time to relax?

I wasn't almost crying because the journey was long but because of the difficult time I was going through. And it's not silly to feel sad about something and choose an option that makes you feel better.

I think you are probably very like them, dismissing of other people's feelings and trampling all over boundaries. If their behaviour was all so innocent why did they not discuss it beforehand? Why did they make out that they couldn't possibly have contacted me for all sorts of excuses?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 08:27

2Rebecca · 14/07/2026 15:28

I think in retrospect with their controlling personalities that was a mistake. Once it became clear they felt they had to stay overnight the first night if they were to pick you up because wherever they are staying is far too far away for them to just drive back I would have said in that case I would get a taxi or drive. I think if you get public transport you do make yourself dependent on the person giving a lift if they are anti taxi which many older people are. They maybe felt if you are that remote with no car they’d be doing all the driving. They still should have asked before assuming they could stay more than 1 night but I would have still taken a car to have more independence or not told them I was getting a train and just said I’d see them the day after I arrived so they had no reason to come to my house on arrival day and got settled in their own place

I didn't actually know where their accomodation was - turns out it is a 5 min drive away! So no need for them to stay the night atall. And I just realised it is nearer the station too so the waiting at the cottage was bullshit too!

I'm completely independent here. Country walks all around the cottage. 25 minute walk into the town with everything I could need. Half an hour on the train to the city. Taxis available for anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 09:18

Sitting in bed this morning with a cup of tea looking out over the fields from the window I realise I would have missed out on this if my parents had their way! (The other bedroom looks out over the lane).

OP posts:
xinser · 16/07/2026 09:24

Mindtheagp · 15/07/2026 07:19

I don’t think you can be sure your dad’s NT, op. I often see ND people being very resistant to other people, as yet undiagnosed, being potentially ND. This situation reads to me like everyone involved is NT and none of you can handle disagreement very well, nor do you have sufficient consideration for other people’s feelings

[ETA apologies, didn't mean to quote & can't delete it]

Hopefully OP this entire episode will help with moving your relationship with them onto a healthier place. It's ok if it feels a bit uncomfortable for them along the way.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 09:25

chocoluv · 14/07/2026 15:41

That sounds perfect ❤️

I’m glad you spoke to them and they listened to you.

I think you were distressed over the trauma, upset your DCs weren’t coming and tired from the journey and so things just got on top of you.

It sounds as though staying in a rural cottage is exactly what you need right now 💐

Show quote history

It really is!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 09:29

TheThirteenthFairy · 14/07/2026 16:03

We don't care if your partner is male or female. Please don't use 'they' and 'them' in a post where sometimes these words refer to one person and sometimes these refer to two people. I don't want to read, and reread, and go back to check if I'm understanding what you wrote. I often can't be bothered.

Well, I can't be really bothered with this nonsense post...but here we are.

I've not written one word about a partner so I think it your reading comprehension skills that are the issue here! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 09:32

Escapingafter50years · 14/07/2026 16:08

Many people don't seem to have noticed this important info in the OP:

"We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. "
Also the parents saying OP is "killing them" by not going along with the parents unasked-for reworking of the plans is HIGHLY manipulative.

Look after yourself OP, you have grown up with parents who didn't allow you to be yourself. This dysfunction would have made you more vulnerable to abuse from a partner, as has evidently happened.

There are a bunch of books that could help you, Susan Forwards "Toxic Parents" being one. If that title is too scary for you right now perhaps try Lindsay C Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents".
Also look at the Stately Homes threads here where you will find people who truly understand your situation and won't throw out stupid comments about your parents are only trying to be nice. They want to control you regardless of what you want.

I wish you well.

Thank you for your kind post. I will have a look at the resources suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 09:43

xinser · 14/07/2026 16:29

Great update OP. My only comment on your original post was that you should have given the option to go back to their accommodation before giving up your cottage. And that is exactly how it has worked out.

Pushing back on what they decide you should do is normal and healthy. It's fine if they don't like it, they are not really supposed to. Do keep trying to connect with what you want and making that happen. And maybe take another night away, properly by yourself this time. Beware of disappearing down the gap between what your teens want and what your parents want, especially as your teens grow up and make their opinions known more forcefully. You did absolutely the right thing putting your foot down with your parents. I hope you could also have done so with your teens if you had preferred to stay home, because as written it looks a bit like it was more their decision than yours.

Thank you and yes, I agree about asking them to go to their accomodation first - I was just in a bit of an emotional state!

And yes, I see what you mean about the teens. However, I am glad they encouraged me to go now. I didn't want to leave them but actually I think they needed some space and so did I.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 09:45

Minasama · 14/07/2026 16:32

They were cheeky but they meant well.
What happened to their accommodation, why couldn’t you just go there?

Agree v cheeky they took the master bedroom - they should have asked you about their plans, not told you.

A difficult situation, not helped by poor communication on all sides.

I couldn't go to their accomodation as it was in a retirement complex xx

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 11:53

Cornishclio · 14/07/2026 18:51

Do your parents accept your autism and have they educated themselves about challenges many autistic people face? . Feeling out of control, lots of socialising, change of arrangements. All these things can be difficult for autistic people even without the trauma and you missing your DC. Railroading you is not ok and better boundaries are needed in future.

No, they've not accepted it and not educated themselves. I spoke to my mum last night about why I really struggled with plans changing and referenced my autism and she said she didn't know I wad autistic! Not sure if she is getting old and forgetful or what?! My eldest was diagnosed 10 years ago, myself 7 years ago and my youngest 4 years ago. I have spoken to them about it on quite a few occasions over the years.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 11:59

Sophue · 14/07/2026 18:58

So who is looking after your teenage children as you don’t say how old they are and how do they feel being left?

They are staying with my best friend. They are fine with being left (they encouraged me to go). They are best friends with my BF's children and will speak with them about everything. They are 14 and 19. I am also speaking to them everyday and messaging. If they wantt me to I will jump on a train and go home.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 12:00

?? Weird response!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 12:02

GrantMyWishes · 14/07/2026 20:39

I'm so sorry for all this upset OP. It sounds like after having a good night's sleep you were able to speak calmly to your parents and clear the air. I'm glad they've gone to where they were meant to be staying, and hope that some time alone in a lovely location, will give you some peace. Look after yourself, and enjoy your holiday.

Thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 16/07/2026 12:06

Zonder · 14/07/2026 21:29

You've invited them? Does that mean they have moved out of the cottage, and more importantly out of the master bedroom? I hope so.

Show quote history

Yes, they went to their accomadation. Which is much more suitable for them. They wouldn't be able to walk into the town especially the hill on the way back and my mum doesn't drive. Where they are is right in the town.

OP posts: