AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

[PeachesxBDA]

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

But OP hasn't put any pressure on her DC, has she? She's just sad not to be with them but hasn't manipulated them.

Have they given up their cottage? If not would you consider staying there. Or else ask them to leave this morning (after they change the bed in Master). It would be a shame to have made such a long journey for nothing.

Sounds like you do need to sit them down and discuss boundaries although it might not be the best time to do it today.

Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm not denying they love me. But trampling all over my boundaries, not caring when difficulties happen for me and in fact using them to their advantage and making decisions without speaking to me does not feel loving.

AHH life is too bloody short. Mountains made out of molehills. Sorry but I found it hard work to read. I say this as an introverted person.

They didn't have a cottage they had other accomodation that was free of charge so no financial gain not to stay

Has it occurred to you if you and your children are autistic then it's likely that one of your parents is as well and that might affect how they perceive matters ? Maybe they need to have things clearly set out for them

I think what people mean is, who told your parents that the key was under the mat?

They are so cheeky. Hope you manage to enjoy/salvage some of your holiday. What is happening with their cottage?

Your question is were your parents inappropriate.
Of course they were; I think you know that.

You say you have problems with boundaries. But your parents are not going to change, so the only answer is that you work on strengthening your boundaries.
You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

I think that your parents were just being kind and didn’t want you to be alone. You could have just explained to them nicely that you would rather have been on your own. It’s not always what you say, it’s the way you say it that matters

This all sounds hugely OTT - either sleep on a bed or tell them to return to their own booked accommodation. So many people on here cause their own problems by not using their words. Someone who is functional enough to raise teens is functional enough to tell their parents no.

YABU and a bit over dramatic.

Your dad was kind enough to pick you up from the station - and you were annoyed that he was jolly and happy to see you?

He was being supportive of your idea to not force them to come by saying that it would be boring for them etc and trying to make you feel better - but this annoyed you too?

I would have been annoyed that they decided to stay the entire time - but you say you’ve just had a massive trauma and so it’s likely they didn’t feel comfortable leaving you alone when you’re obviously so vulnerable.

I don’t get why you’d sleep on the sofa instead of in the girls room - they’re not dead.

It makes sense for the couple to have the double bed and you take the single.

You knew they were staying that first night, so where did you expect them to sleep if they’re not allowed in the master bedroom or the DCs beds?

I would have gotten through the first night and then seen how I feel.

Your girls have just had a traumatic event and so I assume you’d want to be home with them and therefore the trip gets cut short and so it makes sense that your parents actually use the cottage that has been paid for.

If you really don’t want them there then explain how you want alone time but I’m not sure if this would be very healthy for you right now.

That’s not reaching out.

Thats ignoring the needs and wishes of the OP. She is autistic. She said she wanted some time apart from them but they just decided to do ine thing agd NEVER asked her if she was ok with it. Who does that? Not loving and caring people!
Theyre also ignoring the fact the OP and her dcs just went through a traumatic event. Who does then decide to video their child arriving knowing that?

I believe the parents were planning to stay the first night and getting there first, so OP must have told them to let themselves in.

@PeachesxBDA they sound like my parents, immature adults that just can’t see the world from any other point of view but their own.

Things have to done their way.
Theyre pilling up the guilt. So much so your own dcs knew that all of you pulling out of the hols would lead to problems so ‘encourage you’ to go
It all looks nice and helpful on the surface but it’s actually controlling and a way to get their own way.

Please, please, go back home as you told them.
And try to not put their needs or wishes first before your own. (I say try because I know how hard it is to break that habit. And how it leads to conflict too)

omg. I honestly can't believe I just read that. Are you the OPs parents?
Nothing about this situation is reaching out. Their behaviour is atrocious.

I feel this too and have very difficult parents.

They were trying to be jolly and supportive. They'd swallowed their presumed disappointment about not seeing the grandchildren. Come to meet you and then I guess thought you needed / wanted company and support.

There being 2 of them they took the biggest room. You all certainly reverted to childhood patterns.

I feel for them because I think they were trying to be kind...a calm conversation about what you needed rather than biting your tongue would have been a more adult way to handle this. So at the station been very clear you were being dropped off and would see them tomorrow or whatever, then see they've moved in and say no this doesn't meet my needs and if its true say...I paid for some alone time and I'd like that...

You never gave them a chance...because what they did isn't so unusual...I think you needed to state your needs in this new situation

I can see both sides here.. some of what they did does seem logical.

If there is a spare room in the cottage, them expecting to stay rather than you being alone seems normal family behavior to me..

Them taking your room without asking, not so much.

Equally other parts. Some reasonable, some not.

But when you start a holiday on such a bad footing, trauma + bad existing relationship, it's asking for problems.

Personally maybe delaying for a whole day and going together with your teens later would have been better

They sound exhausting.

You may relate to the concept of emotionally immature parents - there are some books by Lindsay Gibson that explain it and how to manage those relationships.

There are two sides to every story.

Obviously we don't know your family history or what prompted your teens to stay at home – I'm guessing it's a bereavement on their dad's side – but it sounds like parents thought you wouldn't want to be alone if you were upset and that's why they went to the cottage instead of their free accommodation. That doesn't seem too controlling but where they've overstepped is by taking over the master bedroom. But without your kids it sounds like you're not going to have a good time with just your parents, so you are right to go home.

I completely agree.

It sounds as though the parents can’t do anything right.

I can’t see how someone can be annoyed about someone picking you up from the station and being jolly and happy to see you.

OP didn’t want anyone sleeping in her DCs beds but wanted the master for herself - so where did she expect her parents to sleep.
It is obvious that they would have taken the double.

You are confusing connection and control here.

The parents have had clear boundaries put in place and have ridden rough shod over them.

@PeachesxBDA I definitely would not want to be around constant bickering if I was going through an emotional trauma and constant overstepping. I’d graciously bow out and go home.

"Atrocious"? That's a bit of a reach! It sounds like they've been a bit blundering in their approach to picking her and were rude to take over the master bedroom, but without knowing what's kept her teens at home, it's impossible for anyone on here to say whether their behaviour is shockingly bad.

You knew what they were like. You need to work on your boundaries with them as I'm guessing this is nothing new at all. They won't change so you need to.