To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

Stop exaggerating for effect. I believe that ONE poster -not me- described the OP’s daughter as an “entitled madam” or some such thing.

I might also add that you don’t seem to appreciate that I and others who are challenging the “get out of jail free” card that it was “just a misunderstanding” are not necessarily doing so in a deeply po-faced and serious way. I suspect that we all agree that, at the end of the day, it’s just a dress.

I think the issue with that is that the Op is very serious about how it has made her feel. So maybe you’re joking about all the daughters potentially nefarious motives, but the it’s a risky little game to play with a mother & daughter relationship.

I wish I’d left 87 posts ago 😂 never have I seen so much drama over so little.

But im invested now to see if you back down and acknowledge this storm in a teacup!

To quote another poster, it’s really not that deep. She borrowed a dress, was a bit of a dick, did something to your dress, but bought you a new dress, you’re a bit miffed but will get over it because you love your daughter. Yes your feelings are valid but no it probably doesn’t matter because you want to maintain the relationship you have. Yes your daughter is growing up. The end

You strike me as someone that likes to tell other people about their dreams and what they mean.

Oh I wasn’t joking at all about the nefarious motives. I was putting forward the theories in the knowledge that OP has a sense of perspective about how to react if they were true.

I’ve never said you’re either a dreadful person or a dreadful mother. I’ve engaged with what you’ve told us, and with the way you’ve behaved on the thread. I don’t think you’re dreadful; I think you started off fairly reasonable but you’ve have backed yourself into a bit of a corner (or feel backed into a corner) which has made your response to any suggestion you might be overacting more and more defensive.

well of course I’m serious about it’s made me feel because I am me 😂 my feelings don’t matter to anyone else because they’re not living with them. Who takes one’s feelings more seriously than the person themselves experiencing them? Odd comment.

Also finding the “risky” comment mildly amusing, if there are any serious life implications here. There is nothing “risky” about a stranger’s comments on the internet, as far as my relationship with my daughter of two decades is concerned. Fortunately, my daughter and I have a much more solid foundation and sense of security in our relationship than for it to be shaken in any way be the opinions of strangers. I’m perplexed you would think otherwise tbh.

I’ve more stuck around because I think your daughter sounds like a lovely person (and you agree that she is!) so I think it’s important you give her a break. That’s been my sole motivation really.

I feel in no way “backed into a corner”? I’m unsure what’s led you to this conclusion tbh. I’m engaging in good faith and honestly. If I felt backed into a corner I’d have disengaged.

I suppose I meant risky business in the sense that over the course of the thread, I’ve witnessed you become more and more entrenched in your position, and it’s a real life relationship you’re discussing. And you’re entitled to your position and viewpoint of course - it’s your life. But I honestly think forgiving your daughter easily and quickly will make you both happier - I’m not sure why that’s so controversial.

“give her a break” how? When I’ve repeatedly said nothing in my interactions with her has changed? What would you have me do? I’m literally being the exact same mum towards her that I’ve always been. And yes, she is an indeed a lovely daughter, and I am caring, thoughtful mum who is attempting to make sense of / understand my feelings to be a better mum moving forwards. So perhaps you could also consider giving me a break?

For the last time, you can’t forgive someone unless you hold the opinion that what they did was wrong!

you’ve witnessed something entirely different to what’s actually occurred then. “More and more entrenched”, what?? I’ve openly reflected on my feelings and my understanding has actually evolved if anything! Baffled as to what you’ve read tbh.

She wasn’t listening when you lent her the dress. It is fixed now.

I’m going to go now, because I think you getting crosser and more defensive about the situation is going to do your daughter a disservice in the end (you might not think you’re treating her any differently, but what we think about a person inevitably seems into the way we speak to them etc). I don’t want to contribute to that, and if me disagreeing with you is winding you up then I will be contributing to it.

I hope you’re able to move on fairly quickly. It’s a dress, and it’s been replaced.

Yeah. ....you're just not seeing what we're seeing

You're very defensive and snippy

But exceptionally good value 👌

I am not “getting crosser”. I don’t get “cross” at Internet strangers, they are irrelevant to my life. I am however confused as you seem to have repeatedly misinterpreted me, eg “more and more entrenched” (what? I’ve engaged reflectively and considered views that have been presented to me throughout), and also “egging others on” - ridiculous, I’ve done no such thing and all my comments are there for people to see that.

But yes I think leaving the thread is a good idea as it’s neither constructive nor helpful, and I’d like to be able to engage with posters who are being both constructive and helpful (of which there are many, thankfully).

That’s not an apology. Putting it right is what comes WITH the apology.

You catergoise people who don't agree with you as 'unhelpful'. You shouldn't. Listen to the people who are telling you that you're making far too big a deal of this. If you don't, you'll be back on here in a few years, wondering why your daughter never answers your calls. Let. it. go.

@BettyJoanPerske
sure, Betty. The same daughter who just called me out of the blue today after a weekend at her boyfriend’s to tell me about her weekend and to ask if we can we can go for lunch soon or something, because it’s been ages since we spent time together properly etc… Yeah, I can totally see her not speaking to me again in future after two decades and counting of closeness between us. Seems highly plausible 🤔

But thanks for your concern.

I’m baffled by this concept that ruptures and upset in relationships mean catastrophic outcomes like someone never speaking to someone again. God my husband pisses me off no end, if I divorced him every time I’d be divorcing him every week* 😂

Meanwhile, back in the real world, it’s entirely possible to love someone dearly and have a close relationship with them, and for them also to have caused you upset, whether that’s your partner, son, daughter, mother, father, etc. And it’s ok to discuss that when it happens, and it doesn’t have to mean a dramatic end to the relationship. What a bizarre and depressing concept. There’d be no relationships anywhere 😂

I’m happy to live in the real world where relationship ups and downs (in all types of relationships) are normal and easily worked through 😀

*Edited to add: I am sure I speak for him to when I say I also piss him off frequently 😂, but we tend to do this grown up thing called talking about it and repairing it. What’s cool is, this can be applied to other relationships too - even with an adult child! Who knew 😊

I actually can’t believe how much this thread has rattled on over a sodding dress.

Op you have other issues going on as you’ve said but you genuinely don’t seem to want to hear any other opinions other than the ones that validate your very OTT response.

And yet here you come to make it one post longer.
It does amuse me how people express their disbelief at how I’m continuing to engage on my thread… as they continue to engage with my thread 😂

I genuinely wonder if people realise that, if they are bored by a topic and have no interest in it, they do in fact have the option to discontinue making contributions to it? Or do some people think it’s mandatory to continue to engage? 🤔

I wondered this too Op, if she accidentally damaged/lost/lent out the dress, then panicked and came up with the Vinted excuse.

Only because selling someone else’s dress feels like such an odd thing to do…

Unless she sold a lot of her own things at once and accidentally included her mum's dress in her pile of things she doesn't wear much...

I didn’t say I was bored, I’m just astounded about how much mileage one Vinted dress can actually generate. I think I’ve posted about 5 times as opposed to your 90+ posts.

But this will be my last because honestly op you come across so, so bitchy and snide. You don’t want opinions, you want an echo chamber of people validating your sensitivity over a dress. All the best and I hope you sort out your issues.