To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

@dressdrama26 It is a bit telling that you don’t think anyone thinking you should give your daughter a break is trying to be constructive. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you, it doesn’t mean they’re not trying to be helpful. I do genuinely think you’ll feel worse in the long run it if you hold this little grudge against your daughter, even secretly!

Right ok… and?? Why are you “horrified” by a possible theory someone has proposed about human behaviour? It is one possibility, amongst many others. I’ve also thanked a poster literally just now for highlighting other theories about the lack of an apology, all of which are also plausible. It’s hardly something to be “horrified” by - it’s a theoretical discussion, and people’s theories will naturally differ. Human behaviour is complex - it might be a combination of some or all of the theories presented here. And that’s OK. It’s not something to be offended by, it’s just life.

And I thanked that specific poster not for that specific theory - but for her overall ability to remain objective and sensible in her contributions, which I found helpful.

That was clearly a response to you telling me repeatedly I can’t read properly. You said nobody had said your daughter was gaslighting you and I was just pointing out that someone had said exactly that, and you thought it was a great point.

THERE IS NO GRUDGE BEING HELD!? Where are you getting that nonsense from? Have you read any of my recent posts, at all? Have you conveniently skimmed over all of the positive comments I’ve made about my relationship with my daughter and her character? That’s also very “telling”.

You seem hellbent on painting me as an awful mother who dislikes my daughter - I’m genuinely not sure why; but it’s bizarre at best. I’m terribly sorry to disappoint you; but my daughter and I are very close and I have many reasons to be immensely proud of her. These facts will remain no matter how many times you post to the contrary.

Have a lovely day 😀

I’m genuinely sorry you’ve decided a person supporting your daughter and wishing people weren’t being so unkind about her is the villain of this thread for you. You haven’t said you’re not holding a grudge - you’re very clearly still upset about it - but you have said you’re not going to say anything about it to your daughter. I’m just saying that being secretly cross about something can also cause damage over time. I think just forgiving her and moving on will make you both happier, quicker.

I genuinely hope your relationship with your daughter is as positive as you think it is, for both of you.

Yep - it definitely is as positive as I think it is - thanks for your concern 👍🏻☺️

I get that you are disappointed, but you really, really need to let this go. The fact that you didn't mention about the dress as soon as she came back gives me pause. She probably just forgot. Not ideal, but certainly not worth as much thought as you're giving it.

This. Yes she’s a teenager but yes she knew (even if she chose to forget) your instructions about it. A sorry would be a good start.

There's another option as well. She may not actually think she's done anything wrong.

Memory is fallible, she may have been completely aware that it was a loan at the time she borrowed it, but 6 months later she sees it in a wardrobe and thinks "Oh yeah, Mum gave me that because she didn't want it any more. I don't need it, I'll sell it"

And now a few months later she's still convinced that it was a gift, not a loan, and she's thinking you've lost your marbles for wanting it back, but she's replacing the dress anyway because it's the right thing to do.

When my Mum died, I did the bulk of clearing her house because I live local while my brother is 200iles away. I was on the phone to him talking about furniture, and we discussed the three piece suite. I came away from that conversation with the impression he didn't want it, he is convinced he said he did. So convinced in fact that when he came down two weeks later, he came with a van so he could take it back with him, only to find that the suite had gone.

We're both utterly convinced we're right, and will lightheartedly take the piss out of each other for it even now 5 years later. But it's just a misunderstanding, one of us is wrong, neither of us thinks it's us, so any apology wouldn't be sincere.

Have a look on Vinted to see if you can get a replacement

YANBU to feel upset, confused, and disappointed in the immediate aftermath of this situation.

First, it seems like DD didn't listen at all when you had the initial discussion about the dress. You stressed that it was your favourite and asked her to be especially careful of it; she apparently heard "keep it; I don't want it". She was probably focused on getting the dress as one checklist item in her trip prep, and excited about the trip, and just not listening.

Second, "I thought you didn't want it anymore" is a reasonable explanation for why she left it in her closet until asked for it back rather than laundering and returning it to you promptly, not for selling it without asking you ESPECIALLY as she lives with you so it's no effort at all to check. An explanation that she'd accidentally mixed it up with one of her own dresses she'd meant to sell or that she'd included it by accident in a mixed lot sale or something might have been easier to accept and rationalise. It might still feel bad that she didn't take care of your cherished item you'd entrusted to her, or listen when you asked her to take special care of it, but mistakes happen. This was intentional - definitely not to hurt you or specifically to deprive you of your favourite dress, but to get what she wanted in the short term (money) in complete disregard of your feelings.

Third, she could not have known if it was possible to (almost) replace the dress more than a year after you'd originally bought it. It's a reasonable gamble that she might be able to find it secondhand or (as she did) find a reasonable replacement, but it was far from a sure thing. Just in principle, it was YOUR dress not hers, and if you'd felt that that there was no replacement for the exact item you'd worn on special occasions and had memories attached to, that would have been reasonable of you too no matter how many posters here wouldn't have felt that way and don't understand it. How to dispose of the dress should have been YOUR decision, no one else's.

I would let this go as I don't see much point in discussing it further but I wouldn't lend her anything again and yes, I'm afraid that at least for the short term, I would trust her a little less and think a little less well of her. In the grand scheme of things, though, I think this will seem much less sharp and hurtful in just a little while and things will almost certainly even out over time.

This is my take, as well. I think that is strengthened by the fact that OP didn't ask for it back for a whole year!

Ponoko7
This is exactly what I thought - accidentally stained, ripped or otherwise ruined or lost - and was very much hoping you'd never ask for it back. Quick thinking on DD's part to think of Vinted and then get a replacement asap - If she's generally a caring, kind soul then let it go and be thankful you've got a bright one- just be careful what you lend in future.

There was a misunderstanding, it was fixable and she fixed it. YABU.

Curious what kind of dress an 18-year old would happily wear that doesn’t look ridiculous on a 40-year old. At least they still have it so she could buy a replacement - crisis over.