To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

THIS! You don’t need to lend your clothes, OP. you just don’t, not even to your daughter. some people on here will try to give you the message that as a woman especially as a mother you simply can’t have anything for yourself, you have to SHARE and BE KIND at whatever cost to yourself, but it’s simply not true.

its great your daughter has replaced the dress but it would have been super annoying for you if you’d had an event on and wanted to wear this dress and went to your wardrobe only to discover it wasn’t there.

YABU. She's replaced it. You need to move on and ignore all the people who are encouraging you to be dramatic about this. Are you sure that you actually told her how valuable it was to you? And I also don't understand why you didn't ask for it back at once.

I understand that I don’t need to, but I wanted to. It was her first holiday abroad by herself with her boyfriend last year and I wanted to help make it special for her. So as well as buying her some new clothes I also let her have her pick of my summer wardrobe. But yes, lesson learned I guess, at least until she’s a bit older and matured a little (as has been pointed out, her brain isn’t even fully developed yet for another 5 years). I need to keep that in mind, as she’s an adult to all intents and purposes, holds down a demanding job and acts like an adult most of the time. So it’s hard to remember she’s still in that transition from teen to adult 😬

The transition to an adult-adult relationship is a tricky one and in this scenario might best be advanced by just giving the young woman a hug - virtual or otherwise - and letting go of your annoyance about this minor mistake which she has rectified.
And not thinking of her as a "kid" might be another step in the night direction!

I have 3 adult DDs and relating to them as adults is a huge joy that enhances my life no end. I am still their mum and that will never change for any of us.

So it’s hard to remember she’s still in that transition from teen to adult - honestly I don't think she is - I think she is there already!

@dressdrama26

um no, she is an adult, OP. There’s no transition now - that has happened already, she IS an adult now.

62 posts now.

Get a grip ffs

Did you bother to read those 62 posts? Or just stopped at counting them? OP is getting a grip, being introspective, listening and engaging. She’s looking at beyond the dress, because she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence of a tea spoon. You should try it, rather than spending your Saturday keeping a tally of her posts.

Thank you 🙂

there's emotional intelligence, and there's the need for drama 😂

She’s banging on and on about the same things, refusing to accept her daughter has made it right, and keeps going on. That’s not emotional intelligence

If someone lends you a dress and then doesn't mention it for a year, I think it's probably a fair assumption they don't want it back. She may well have forgotten that it was yours- especially if she went through her wardrobe and just pulled out everything she didn't wear for selling.

She should have asked you before selling but she did resolve it very quickly. She made a mistake but rectifier it as soon as she could , personally I’d let it go

@Cherrytree86 science would absolutely disagree with you. Simplistically the brain develops from back to front with studies showing that the prefrontal cortex is one of the last parts to develop. This is the part responsible for planning, decision making, judging consequences etc etc. And some of the latest studies show that actually, some brains can take up to early 30s to settle into a more stable adult pattern of brain connectivity. 25 isn’t an absolute but it is a commonly quoted age but differed between individuals.

OP’s daughter is 19. She is very unlikely to have a fully developed prefrontal cortex.

OP, her decision to sell the dress isn’t a character flaw. It’s a poor decision probably linked to her developmental stage. Please don’t expect perfection from an otherwise lovely girl or it will breed anxiety.

Thanks. I don’t think of her as a “kid” though, far from it. Which is actually why this threw me off as I’ve said. She’s generally a mature, caring, lovely young woman and an absolute delight to be around. I am genuinely very proud to call her my daughter. So that adult to adult relationship is exactly where I thought we were, hence me feeling disappointed and let down by this. Just felt it important to clarify that I definitely don’t regard her as a child; quite the opposite.

thank you - useful points for me to reflect on 😊

That was your take away from my post?

what do you want from the situation? What are you hoping commenters are going ti give you?

Im saying it’s pretty cut and dry.

None of us are perfect, are we? We all make mistakes. I’m 42 and I still make mistakes. I’m sure I made plenty at 19. I have a mum who expects me to be perfect, and to never make mistakes. If I do anything ‘wrong’, she dwells on it. It’s a difficult dynamic to deal with, and we’re not close now.

No, none of us are perfect, I agree. Let me be clear that i absolutely do not expect perfection from my daughter (or indeed anyone). But there’s something about apologising when you mess up, isn’t there, as it demonstrates respect for the other person, and that you care about how they feel. When I mess up and I care about the person, I instinctively feel bad and apologise. So I guess it just hurt a little that this wasn’t her instinctive reaction. But I’ve reflected extensively on that throughout the thread already, as you’ll see.

also worth bearing in mind that I haven’t shared any of this with her - I haven’t made a thing of it, I haven’t mentioned it to her since, and I’ve changed nothing in my interactions with her. So as far as she is concerned, I am just normal mum as usual. The reason I made this thread was because I was internally feeling a certain way; and wanted to explore that - and in doing so I’d hopefully be able to mitigate any impact on my relationship with her. So, whilst I understand the dynamic you describe with your own mum, it doesn’t sound comparable to mine with my daughter.

On the apology - there could be a few things at play.

1. If you haven’t expressed it, she may not know how upset you were. You could explain how you’re sad she sold the dress, and that although you appreciate her effort to replace it, you just would like to understand what happened and perhaps that would prompt an apology?

2. Shame - she may feel really bad and shame can cause people to react in different ways. Some lash out, some avoid and deflect.

3. Defensiveness

4. She may have moved on and assumed you have

There are many more reasons. I don’t think a calm conversation with your daughter would be a bad idea

Just to add - my daughter and I have a lovely, close relationship the vast majority of the time. For my birthday this year she wrote the most lovely message in my card, saying she’d be lost without me and she hopes to be like me in her future years, it genuinely reduced me to tears. I’m the first person she FaceTimes when anything significant happens for her, good or bad. Most of the time it does genuinely feel like an adult daughter-mum friendship. So I’m not worried about the dynamic between us in any significant way; I guess I just wanted a forum to explore how this had left me feeling, without taking it to anyone in my personal life. I’m sure we’ve all been there before with various life issues. Thanks to those who’ve offered constructive feedback though; it’s much appreciated!

She got you a new dress! She’s taken responsibility and she’s shown you she cares with her actions.

‘when I mess up I instinctively feel bad’…. DO you though? I know you think I’m joking or trolling you or something, but I’ve been genuinely horrified by how you’ve accepted people calling your daughter a liar, a spoilt madame, a gaslighter etc.

@Tinycatclub
you can be “genuinely horrified” all you like - I haven’t “accepted” comments just because I haven’t individually challenged them all. I’ve had drama queen and various other unpleasant comments made about me that I’ve also just ignored, because my time is better spent engaging with the helpful, constructive comments, of which there have been many amongst all the guff (thankfully). Also, no one has called my daughter a “gaslighter” - if you had read correctly, you’d have seen that this comment was made by a poster who observed that other posters were attempting to gaslight me into believing that it had not been a loan.

respectfully, if you have nothing constructive to add, I won’t be engaging further with you - I’ve had many helpful contributions and I’d rather spend my time engaging with those.

Yes, all good points - thanks for highlighting some of these possibilities for me to think about.

The hot cross bun person had this theory: she wanted the cash and decided to risk it and gaslight her
mother if challenged.

and you thanked her, and have repeatedly thanked her, for her contributions.

I am very comfortable about my reading comprehension, thank you!