To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

Yes I will admit I haven’t read all 83 of your posts so if there is some deeper, underlying meaning to this then I apologise. However as you correctly say, the internet exists to discuss a number of topics and when you put one out there you need to expect a myriad of responses and opinions. I don’t think it’s ’that deep’ when you look at the dress situation and nothing else. That’s not arrogance, it’s a way of saying it isn’t a big deal because it’s just a dress. An object. That has been replaced.

I hope you are able to process and work through any other issues you’re having.

Oh goodness, this poster is thinking up some more reasons why what your daughter did was terrible, and imagining some more mean thoughts your daughter might be having (i.e. as well as not caring about you, maybe she also thinks you’ve got terrible taste!).

I really don’t understand why you think this person has your best interests at heart, versus the people saying ‘ah well, if you have a generally good relationship with your daughter, this is worth just moving on from’.

Bingo!

They’ve started reporting my comments because I’ve said this is bonkers!

😂

This!!!!!

I think the most honest post from the OP is the one where she says: It’s helped to validate that my feelings are normal. Even though nothing in my relationship towards my daughter will change as a result - it’s helped to know I’m not odd or unusual to feel upset. Which was essentially the purpose of the post, ie to make sense of and validate my feelings.

It was never about a discussion - it was about validating exactly what she thought and felt at the start. So I don’t think she was ever going to engage with you in good faith as you didn’t just agree with her. Sorry they’re reporting your posts.

Many things that upset people can appear on the surface to be a “non issue” to an outsider, because usually it’s just a trigger for something more underlying (I’ve reflected extensively in previous posts on what that may be in this case should you be interested). So no, this isn’t really about a piece of fabric - it’s about the underlying meaning of the situation for me within the context of my relationship with my daughter. I’d assumed that much was very clear by now from my reflections throughout this thread. That said, I appreciate your apology. 😊

Yes you're overreacting

If it was such a favourite dress you'd have asked for it back much sooner

You didn't

You asked for it back, eventually, and your daughter has organised for you to have the dress ready for your holiday

God knows why this needs a thread to discuss it, but we are where we are

You are overreacting

are you now pretending that emotional validation when we are struggling with our feelings, isn’t a thing? To have other people say “I’d have felt this way too in your shoes” is such a powerful and important process as humans for us to feel less alone with whatever we’re experiencing, from smaller to bigger life events. The fact that numerous people have validated my feelings and my viewpoint on this thread (as also reflected in the vast majority of voters), is of course validating. It’s Ok that some people wouldn’t feel the same, but it doesn’t change the fact that being validated is (to most of us actually), hugely helpful when I’m finding something difficult.

Im genuinely sorry that you lack the emotional intelligence to understand the concept of validation of feelings.

Thanks for your input. Since you view the need for the thread as so unnecessary, may I ask why you felt it important enough to comment on it? 🤔

Also, you do realise that MN won’t delete a post that they don’t regard as violating their guidelines? So if anyone has had a post deleted on here, it will be because MN have judged it as not in keeping with the guidelines. Perhaps we all need to take responsibility for what we are posting if we don’t want comments removed.

I'm going through a "be helpful" phase

You're welcome

You would think, yes…

YABU - if I counted every item/loan I've given my kids I'd could retire. Its a dress FFS, she's replaced it. You sound like an "every pound's a prisoner" type of mum.

Oh yes they will and do. Posts can be deleted by MN for all sorts of reasons, not simply because of violations. Ime

I see. Unfortunately that wasn’t wholly clear from your input. But thanks for trying.

Again, you're welcome

I understand the concept perfectly, and it’s fine if that’s what you came here for - as I say, this post was very honest.

But you didn’t come here to hear dissenting viewpoints, and there was a bit of pretense earlier in the thread that you’d come for a discussion and would welcome people disagreeing with you, and that’s not the case.

Unfortunately it’s led you into a position where you’re challenging people suggesting trying to give your daughter a bit of grace, and responding to the people imagining the worst about her with thank yous and laughing emojis etc.

Obviously if you’ve found this thread useful then that’s good.

sure - that’s why (as I explained earlier), I take a very small minimal amount of board from her each month (well under the amount many of her same aged peers are paying to their parents in fact), despite her earning good money for her age and having no bills other than her phone bill. And that’s also why she borrows my clothes frequently (as I also explained), and I don’t even think about it again until I want to wear it myself and ask her for it. Sure; I’m just that type of mum.

right, but my point was, it’s not me who makes that decision 🤦🏼‍♀️ So someone else has decided to remove those posts for their own reasons. Why would they do that if there was no issue with the post? Surely they’d leave it to stand?

Sure. You can think what you like - you’re going to regardless, so pointless me engaging any further to explain the same things over and over. You don’t believe me; you don’t think I posted in good faith, you (for some bizarre reason) think I hate my daughter. None of those things are remotely close to the truth, but you’re fixated on your own views regardless so I guess, you just do you?

Have a nice day ☺️

Well.....maybe. Or maybe they find the thread itself strangely bewildering and your replies oddly defensive. And they don't want to be a part of it any more.

I'm loving it. But we are all different 😊

Ok, as I’ve said before - if you think the way you’ve encouraged people to speak about your daughter is going to make you feel better, then that’s for you to process!

You’re right there’s no point explaining over and over - I understand all the points you’ve made, but I’m never going to agree with you that it’s loving or healthy behavior to egg on people calling your daughter names over a dress.

I have not “egged” anyone on, don’t be ridiculous🙄. I’m engaging in discussion. Feel free to leave the thread if you disagree so strongly. I find it odd that you’ve stuck around given you clearly feel so strongly that I’m a dreadful mother and human.