To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

Read the thread she has already arranged a replacement

She bought another one, that’s not just words

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But it's not just words - she's immediately rectified the problem, and gone the extra mile to get it delivered fast. Those are actions that back up her apology. I'm not sure what more you expect her to do? Get a time machine?

You're not unreasonable! She had no right to sell someone else's possession. Was she apologetic??

FFS what a over reaction

I think what's missing is any acknowledgement that she did wrong. Fine, she's replaced the dress, but it was a crappy thing to do, and I'd want to see genuine contrition and hear some kind of explanation if it were me. What if the dress was impossible to replace? If it was a few years old it might have been impossible to find.

Of course she did, she had made money from her mother’s property. The fact that she returned her spoils in the form of buying another dress and said some words while doing it doesn’t mean she is really sorry.

At a minimum I’d have expected her to have mentioned at the time of the sale “thanks Mum, I’ve turned that dress you gave me into cash”. The fact that she kept quiet about it shows pretty clearly that she knew it wasn’t hers to sell.

And as for OP not asking for it back- they live in the same house I think, so it’s not like OP had to have it formally returned in advance of deciding she wanted to wear it.

No, not directly apologetic. As I say, she offered to replace it once she saw that I was upset she’d sold it. I don’t think I got a sorry, though.

@HotCrossBunplease yes, we live in the same house - hence me not thinking I needed to ask for it back instantly last summer when she got back from holiday, as I just assumed she’d put it in her wardrobe when she unpacked. And I flat pack all my summer dresses over winter anyway, so it hadn’t occurred to me last September to say to her “can you put that dress back in my wardrobe instead of yours”, if that makes sense.

She sounds like a good daughter and decent person. It was a minor misunderstanding thats been fixed, forget about it now.

Was it expensive? If so, did she think that you'd forget about it and she could make a few quid on the quiet?

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, I'd never sell someone else's belongings. But, what is done is done and your daughter has tried to make good. That's the best thing that can come out of this mistake. Just don't lend anything else.

Hope you have a great holiday!

The mistake was not asking for it back when she didn’t wash and offer its return immediately.

So she was originally at fault.

Then you.

Then her again - but it’s good to what she’s done the right thing correcting her wrong doing.

You are quite right to be upset about this and you actually need to have a conversation with your DD about it. I have been quite surprised over the years when lending valuable things to people, being very clear that they are a loan, to find when I ask for them back that they have been disposed with or badly damaged. You need your DD to understand that loans are loans and must be respected. It's basic manners.

Good grief we really allow “teenagers” to get away with anything. This is an 18 year old who sold one of her mother’s favourite dresses without asking, without offering up the money she got for it. And just because after her mother got upset replaced it were expected to say it’s all ok? That she got in and replaced it just shows she knows how wrong she was - and that she absolutely shouldn’t have sold it. At what point do we expect 18 year olds to be adults, rather than just excusing it as stupid things teenagers do?

I think the fact that she’s replaced would be ok for me.
I probably wouldn’t lend anything else though.

I absolutely agree, I would be fuming!

@tesseractorShe’s actually 19, soon to be 20.

And how do you get on with your children?

I think you’re being a bit harsh. If you lent it to her nearly a year ago and haven’t asked for it since, I don’t see it unreasonable that she hasn’t thought o ask you before selling. If she’s usually a loving caring child and has said she will replace it, I would accept the apology and move on without holding any resentment. People make mistakes and she feels sorry.

Brilliantly, when they behave respectfully and don’t sell my belongings.

As am I!

'She bought you a replacement, what does it matter?' WTF?!?

Well for starters, she's bloody lucky a replacement could be bought. OP describes this dress as a favourite, most of my favourite clothes are years old, no longer manufactured, and therefore irreplaceable. That could so easily have been the case for OP (luckily it wasn't).

And that's before we get to the not selling other people's property. OP "made it clear it was to borrow not keep as it’s one of my favourites." so no I don't think her daughter thought it was hers to sell. I think the suggestion that she damaged the original and was too embarrassed to tell her mum, is more in keeping with a"caring and lovely girl" for whom this 'I think I sold it' is "just very out of character for her to be so dismissive, is all".

OP is not being unreasonable to be upset.

(Nor would she be unreasonable never to lend any favourite items ever again.)

It’s very telling that OP was crystal clear that it was one of her favourites and to be looked after. You do all realise that the replacement will not be an identical dress?

To my mind, OP framed the loan as doing a nice thing for her daughter, lending a much-loved dress and the daughter in typical self-obsessed 19 year old fashion barely even listened to anything the mother said, no doubt already thinking about cocktails with her mates. That she didn’t even recall the conversation when she was raiding her wardrobe for cash is really sad. And didn’t even acknowledge the hurt when she said she’d sold it.

I bet you wore the dress on family holidays when she was younger, right OP?

The fact that she's jumped back in and ordered a replacement as soon as realised it was an issue really answers the question.

No, she shouldn't have sold it without asking, but she did, and as soon as she realised it was an issue, she's bought you a new one. Problem now solved, lesson learnt.