To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

Op you have replied 74 times. It’s a dress. It isn’t worth this much headspace and it certainly isn’t worth falling out with your child about. She made a mistake and has rectified it quickly and thoughtfully. What is the point of stewing over it?

Years ago when I was 18 my brother in law lent me a couple of albums which I sold, knowing they were on loan and not a gift. To this day I don't know what possessed me, I knew it was wrong but I still did it. I think it made me feel a bit cool or edgy for some reason.I never admitted it, I must have told him they were lost in a move and to this day I feel bad about it. Sometimes teenagers do mad things. I can really see why you're pissed off and hurt, but it's great that she's replaced it

YANBU. My DD is the same age and I’d be very bemused and disappointed if she did that.

She resolved it, so noy just words is it?

She's ordered a new dress. It's done. She is replacing it. You can let it go and get your relationship with your daughter back on track.

haven’t said I’m holding anything against anyone - I’m reflecting on and trying to understand my feelings. Why are you unable to understand the difference? I’ve said multiple times on this thread that I’ve changed nothing in how I’m interacting with her, nor have i mentioned it to her again. So in what way exactly am I “holding it against her”?

I could say the same about a stranger’s repeated (unhelpful) investment in my thread, but there we are 😬

I wasn’t aware of a limit to how many times I could reply and actively engage with posters on my own thread? I am replying to people who are engaging with it - I’m not talking to myself? So others are as interested in this topic as I am, otherwise why would anyone engage and post comments? Am I supposed to disengage at some point from these comments? Why?

and as I’ve said repeatedly now - I am by no means “stewing”, not even close. I’m talking things over and in the process making sense of my own thoughts and feelings, which has in fact been helpful to me.

thanks. I’m not going to tell her though, because I don’t want to prolong the issue or bring it back up. But I will be a bit more mindful of lending important items in future.

Yes - she did the wrong thing but jumped to it and rectified it once you spoke to her. I’d take that as a lesson learned and let it go.

And yes, I’d probably not lend anything important to her for a good while at least! I do uunderstand your annoyance.

73% of people seem to agree that my feelings are valid - so I wouldn’t call it a waste of time to have posted in the first place or reflected on this. It’s helped to validate that my feelings are normal. Even though nothing in my relationship towards my daughter will change as a result - it’s helped to know I’m not odd or unusual to feel upset. Which was essentially the purpose of the post, ie to make sense of and validate my feelings. Again - there are no “grudges” being held, there will be nothing raised directly with my daughter (for those who are still misunderstanding).

It’s just not that deep OP. Taking time to process your thoughts and feelings….over a dress?! And a situation that your dd very thoughtfully rectified. If she’d come back with attitude and disrespect over it then I’d understand why you’re upset but I genuinely can’t imagine giving this much headspace to this. It’s bizarre.

But take the time out you need to process…with the help of a therapist if needed.

It’s a personal choice. I just wonder if this is something that is going to sit in the back of your mind and impact the relationship. You could share how you feel in a balanced way, it doesn’t have to be confrontational.

You evidently haven’t read any of my more recent posts then, where I reflected on the meaning underlying this and came to realise it’s not actually about the dress at all. It’s all there for anyone who can be arsed to read it - if you wish to make comments without understanding the full context, that’s not a me issue. I’m not repeating what I’ve already very thoughtfully reflected on throughout the course of this thread.

And I don’t think it’s a stranger’s place to tell me what I should and shouldn’t take to a therapist; or indeed what I should and shouldn’t discuss online. The internet and discussion forums exist for myriad reasons and purposes, and if I wish to use one such forum for my own personal reflections, I’m unsure how exactly this is wrong, and who are you to tell me it’s wrong or “not that deep”? This phrase exists to minimise and dismiss others’ feelings and experiences - it literally serves no other useful purpose.

I wouldn’t dream of having the arrogance to assume a stranger’s problem that they have taken the time to post about in thoughtful reflective detail over a number of days “wasn’t that deep”. And - the fact that I’ve taken the time to do so also reflects who I am as a mother - someone who wants to better understand my feelings around my relationship with my children so that I can process them and ultimately be a better parent. If you can find a way to make that somehow a problem on my part, then I’m afraid we have little in common to discuss further.

You could still replace the records!

To BIL ‘oh look what I found after all this time, you can have them back now!’

Thank @Zerosleep. Yes, perhaps. Something to think about…

About a million people have responded in this way to this post. Let me clarify my thinking:

Buying another dress is compensating the person for the loss that your actions have caused them to suffer. It’s the least you can do. It does not undo the fact that you took the actions in the first place.

Combining the purchase of the replacement with the words “I’m sorry” does not cut it either unless you truly understand that you should not have done the thing in the first place. The glib “oh I think I sold it”, clearly said in the expectation that OP’s reply would be “ah never mind, hope you got a good price” demonstrates this total lack of understanding.

Out of interest OP, how old was the dress? It occurs to me that if she has not changed shape, so it still fits, it was also a bit of an insult to your taste because by selling she was saying “I’m never wearing this thing again”.

A lot of people are failing to recognise that you can still love somebody and have a loving, functional relationship while still continuing to believe that they did something inappropriate. That is what moving on, or even forgiving, is all about, there is no need to force OP to say that she should never have got upset.

@HotCrossBunplease
It was a couple of years old. And yes, I hadn’t thought of that actually. Evidently she wasn’t so keen on it after all 😬

Absolutely! Thank goodness for sense 😅

I think I missed where you wrote about your feelings. It's normal to love your child and still be upset by their actions. She's an older child but her brain is not done growing. It reads like her thinking was what's mom's is mine because she wouldn't have given it to me if she wasn't done with it. Or something similar.

Do you think you have spoiled her? Do you feel she doesn't respect you? Are your feelings hurt? Are you afraid you've raised a daughter who is somewhat larcenous and it makes you feel bad about your parenting? Are you so angry you're seeing red? Disappointed? Sad? What do you feel?

My daughters, late 30s, still take my stuff. I thought they'd outgrow it, but, no. They do ask first. Progress. Back when they were teenagers and then young adults my clothing and shoes would go walkabout for months at a time. I will say they never sold anything, but then that wasn't readily available back then. You will get over it. I promise. It's just stuff. Maybe your daughter will be a great entrepreneur. She's very sharp now and she's only 19. Or is her cleverness at that young age what's got you worried?

But why would she sell a dress she had borrowed? Surely if it’s been borrowed the expectation is that it will be returned

Ha, that mad cat woman will be back in 2 minutes berating me for stoking your anger even further!

You could always make your DD wear the new dress this summer as a punishment!