To un-invite friend from dinner after she sent me message by mistake - Update

[Dinnertext]

Hi all, my previous thread closed before I had the chance to add any further post today. For those interested, my friend replied to my message where I said I was upset she hadn’t apologised.

She ignored that part, and basically demanded I re-invite her on Saturday because it’s too late for her to make any alternative plans and it’s unfair to expect her to spend the evening alone. She reiterated the takeaway ‘offer’ and said as far as she is concerned , my Husband has said she’s still more than welcome to attend.

DH has just repeated the same position in that he’s staying out of it and that he wouldn’t turn anyone away at the door. He has basically told me this evening to be the bigger person and draw a line under it and not risk ruining his and his friends evening.

@MustTryHarderAndHarder you are the one minimising abuse. It doesn’t matter if you think the text wasn’t worth falling out over, OP did and she made it clear she didn’t want the woman in her home. Her DH paid no attention to her feelings and insisted the other woman come to into OP’s home whether OP was happy about it or not. Try and imagine how that would feel.

Are you being deliberately pro active?

I would hope a woman I love acts with much more self-dignity and doesn’t allow her husband to jeer a chant, in her own home, that mocks her and supports the other woman.

I am not minimising abuse as there is no abuse to minimise.

Of course the OP was upset and her initial reaction was to sever ties with her ex friend.

But sometimes a person needs their spouse to put things in to perspective.

It is not fair to say that the OP's husband insisted that the ex-friend come in to the OP's home. The ex-friend is a CF and invited herself. What did you expect the husband to do? Chuck the woman out of the house? That would indeed have been abusive.

*provocative

Absolutely.

”He hasn’t beaten you” is hardly the bar.

I expect the husband to say “Let’s meet at the pub for this one.”

or “Sadly, Anne is still smarting from seeing that unfortunate message Sally sent. I’m sure it will blow over but we aren’t up for hosting at ours right now.”

No, I am saying what I think.

The OP realises that falling out with her husband over a text from a bitchy ex-friend is not worth it and that is why she has acted with such dignity.

OP realizes her husband is a nitwit who care more about his tv than his wife so arguing is pointless. Suspect she’ll end up leaving eventually after a few more signs that she doesn’t count in her own house.

He has explained why he did not want to meet in the pub and as I football fan I totally understand.

Well, the OP didn't host so he didn't need to say the second part.

I am not minimising abuse as there is no abuse to minimise.

The DH’s behaviour of dismissing his wife’s feelings, actively encouraging the woman to come over, allowing his friend to make misogynistic comments and be complicit in them, and mockingly chanting about how the friend can do what she wants in the OP’s home goes way beyond “nitwit” status.

It’s their home together. No, he cannot invite his friend over if it means his wife will need to leave her own home and go elsewhere to feel comfortable. Do you honestly think that’s ok?!

OP hasn’t behaved amazingly. She’s behaved like a wife who tiptoes around her husband, and one who for some reason is not an equal partner in the relationship.

You forgiving and forgetting an incident with your family member is a completely different scenario so not really a relevant comparison.

Yes, I agree.

And I do consider it mentally abusive.

If this is how you behave in relationships then you sound abusive your self.

But honestly, I think you’re just baiting people. So enjoy your day, I won’t be arguing with you about this.

To be fair to the OP, I think she’s been in a difficult position that she probably wasn’t expecting and has likely had her self esteem ground down over the years to the point where she’s not actually surprised to be a lower priority than the TV/football/husband’s mates and drinking.

It might take her some time to process it all and see her worth. It’s not fair to judge women who are only just opening their eyes to the treatment they’ve gotten used to. It’s very complicated how they’ve ended up there.

Yes, I don't think the the OP's husband should not be able to watch the football with his friend just because his friend's wife is acting like Hyacinth Bucket.

The OP has behaved with dignity.

My family incident was actually worse as the mother of my grandchild deliberately sent it to me, it was not a mistake as in this case.

Watching to watch Football at home is a really stupid reason to fallout with one’s wife.

There are endless other places to watch.

OP only has one home.

Seems like the husband is the petty one here.

I am usually far more forgiving than most Mumsnetters of husbands who find it difficult to defend their wives against their parents. Family relaionships are often complex.

However, in this case, it's not his own family, just friends; and he hasn't just let them walk over him; he has joined with them in mocking his wife. At best, he is extremely selfish and putting his own convenience ahead of his wife's well-being. And at worst. he is a bully who is using the situation to show his wife Who's Boss.

He can watch football with his friend at his friend’s home, a mutual friend’s home, a pub, or basically anywhere other than his joint home with OP. Again, she should not need to leave her home because her husband has invited guests into their space against her wishes. That is not normal.

You family incident is different, as it involves a child with whom you’d like ongoing contact. Presumably you might still wish to have some boundaries with is person though and if you have a partner it would be equally weird for them to invite her into your shared space without your consent.

There will no room for an update if people keep arguing. OP has already said the end of the thread will be just that, so if we want to find out what happens, leave some room!

I'm sorry about your DIL causing trouble; but I actually think that deliberately sending someone a nasty message is not quite as bad as gossiping maliciously behind their back and only revealing it to them by accident.

@Dinnertext, I have no idea if you are still reading, and I came into this too late too advise you before the game. Ideally you should have sent her a text that simply said “fuck off , you are not welcome “ , she isn’t your friend. However, only you know if your husband is abusive or just completely blinkered by football.
my advice! , sit him down and clearly explain that football and the World Cup are occasional events, you are his wife all the time , does he really think upsetting and disrespecting your feelings for a one or two off occasion is worth damaging your relationship over? , let him know that after football, you still will remember his actions going forward.

Regardless of any context, this husband is being out of order. If my husband or I did not want somebody to come over (whether that was due to a serious issue or a petty gripe), we would have to respect that. Yes, we might get irritated and annoyed and complain about it, but there is no way on earth either of us would cross that line and invite the person to our house when our spouse specifically said they did not want that to happen.

Your home is meant to be your sanctuary. No partner should insist on somebody coming over who has upset their spouse in this way. The husband not being able to have his friends over to watch the football is annoying for him. But it is simply not the same transgression of boundaries that inviting the ‘perpetrator’ of all
this is. It is incredibly disrespectful of him to do this to his wife, and no decent person would defend it.

What is an update needed for? Whether the couple come round for the final match?

Since I am nearing 50 years of marriage, I still say you are full of it.

Some things need a bit more than what her NVDH is pulling. I would never have put up with it but am lucky because my DH was never mentally or emotionally abusive.

But, you do you boo!