To have made remarks about my friend’s dress

[ladieswholunch23]

Hi all. So, one of my friends is going to a wedding and she’s bought a dress which is…peculiar to say the least. So our group chat (roughly around 8 of us) we - obviously as to not hurt her feelings - we said we liked it as it had already been purchased.

However on our other group chat that she’s not on, we all gave our true thoughts that the dress is hideous and, at the very least, is not suitable for a wedding. Somehow my friend found out about this other group chat and the things we had been saying. Whilst obviously it wasn’t the intention to hurt her, she’s now saying we betrayed her and it has now caused a rift in the friend group. I love to death but she can be a real pain sometimes. AIBU?

This was really horrible, to gossip about her dress behind her back. She must feel awful.

Admittedly I lived in Germany where people are very direct, but surely one of you could have gently said - are you sure about that dress, some people might see that as a bit revealing/not quite your colour/not “occasion” enough for a wedding? There is a way to phrase these things nicely unless you think it would cause irreparable offence.

I have a larger friend who once showed me a bright purple dress in a changing room. It really didn’t suit her, it was a large expanse of purple and not flattering. I just asked if there was perhaps another colour it came in, and she found it in a much more flattering colour, tried it on and liked it. These things can be done tactfully.

It has never occurred to me to mention this to anyone, certainly not to gossip about it on WhatsApp with the rest of our friends.

That is horrible, discussing her in a mean way behind her back.

Your intentions are irrelevant. You were dishonest and slagged off her dress.

Another example of MNers thinking it's fine to lie to people instead of just finding the words to be honest, or keeping quiet if you only have shitty things to say.

Anyone remember that thread about the pink shiny bo-peep style dress (vague memories, could be wrong)?

Edit - found it https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5524556-friends-awful-dress-and-my-reaction

You bunch of bullies.

If she’s your friend, why did you not just tell her? Even though she purchased it, she could’ve taken it back still.

That’s horrible. I would never speak to any of you again if I was her

That was nasty OP. If you really were a friend you would have found a nice way of steering her away from the chosen dress.

Bitchy, fake friends are not the type she needs. I'm not surprised it's caused a rift.

If you 'love her to death' you could have either had the courtesy to speak to her honestly about her dress, or to at least refrain from being nasty about it behind her back.

It's all a little bit Year 8.

Oooh one of you leaked it to her!

We did try and put her off before she bought it (she showed us a few options and we tried to ignore that one as much as possible) but she’s really bad at picking up subtext, and get’s shitty if you disagree with her directly

Why do you have a group chat with her, and then a separate group chat with what sounds like all the same people, but not her?

I'm in the minority here. I don't buy that we all don't have these thoughts about the things our friends choose that we happen not to like. It's okay to admit we don't likely them too each other. So long as it's not deteriorating into a spiteful bitching session. My friends do plenty of things that are not to my taste. I'm not wrong for having different tastes from them. We get on and live our lives. The online thing is if it's really unsuitable then, depending on details, someone could think about having a word, nicely.

Yeah, you're being horribly unreasonable. Surely you can think about how you'd feel if this happened to you?

Oh, is it a reverse?

How did your friend find out about the other group chat? And was not a single one of you friend enough to be able to point out to her, in a tactful way, what the dress’s shortcomings are?

So once she had bought it you could just have said - no I still don’t like it but it’s not me that’s wearing it

How mean of you; not only did you not tell her that you felt her dress was inappropriate, but you created a group chat without her to discuss it. Are you 12?

Why didn’t you message her privately your thoughts?
Who set up the new “unkind” group without her?
What did you name it?
Who told her?

You love her to death, but she can be a pain sometimes? So is that your excuse for being nasty?

How do you intend to resolve this with her? Are you intending to apologise personally? What are the other bullies doing?

Why a group chat excluding her?

You sound like a bunch of bitches without the dress drama.

Just to let people know the travesty that is this dress because I think I’m getting a hard time here. Reminder - this is for a WEDDING and we are all in our late forties

What do you really expect from her? That's a real dick move from all of you.

Who in the group betrayed you?🤔

Yes, that was really awful of you.

If you're going to say nice things to be nice, you don't then go on to say what you really think behind someone's back.

And you don't use a group chat that includes all but a couple of members in another group to gossip about those who are excluded.

You all sound really nasty.

You do know these friends probably also have a group without you? Whenever things like this are discussed in a group setting always be mindful that if they can say it about others they are most likely to be saying it about you too.

Nasty to have a group chat that excludes her , nasty to bitch behind her back. How did she find out about the group chat?