To have made remarks about my friend’s dress

[ladieswholunch23]

Hi all. So, one of my friends is going to a wedding and she’s bought a dress which is…peculiar to say the least. So our group chat (roughly around 8 of us) we - obviously as to not hurt her feelings - we said we liked it as it had already been purchased.

However on our other group chat that she’s not on, we all gave our true thoughts that the dress is hideous and, at the very least, is not suitable for a wedding. Somehow my friend found out about this other group chat and the things we had been saying. Whilst obviously it wasn’t the intention to hurt her, she’s now saying we betrayed her and it has now caused a rift in the friend group. I love to death but she can be a real pain sometimes. AIBU?

The way you went about it wasn’t nice but I agree, that dress isn’t nice nor suitable for a wedding.

If she’s on MN this could get awkward.

YABU to bitxh behind your friends back and also not to be straightforward if she was inviting opinions prior to her actually buying the dress. You don't just "ignore" an option, you could have found a sensitive way to steer her like "this one's not my style but can see why you'd like it for a ladies day or something but I'd avoid it for a wedding". Opens the door for the rest of the chat to agree and encourage in another direction. There really is no need or reason to be unkind to your friends.
Also, I was expecting something much worse from the dress based on your OP. It's not great, but I've definitely seen worse.

However on our other group chat that she’s not on, we all gave our true thoughts that the dress is hideous

Nasty bunch of witches.

This is worse than slagging off the dress.

This has to be a reverse, who has such a lack of self awareness that they don’t even realise having another group chat set up with someone excluded is a shitty way to behave without even bringing in the dress issue? You’re not her friend, I hope she ditches the lot of you and finds people who actually like her. The dress is irrelevant at this point.

Look, between the jigs and reels, you’ve been caught out having a laugh at your friends expense. Just suck it up and apologise. Don’t justify it. She knows what you think of it now anyway. Just say you’re really sorry.

what the dress is like is not relevant. Stay silent fine. Comment to her honestly but tactfully fine. Talk behind her back definitely not fine at all.

I think anyone would be upset to know their “friends” are tearing them apart in a separate group chat. That’s really shitty. You could have just told her that you didn’t like the dress and I’m sure her feelings would be less hurt than they are now.

How do you treat people who you don't 'love to death'?

I completely understand her reaction. You'll have to deal with the consequences of sharing your true feelings, I guess. That's life.

You and the sub group of "friends" sound absolutely horrible. To have a bitch fest behind this woman's back is vile. The dress was simply not to your taste, that is all there is to it and the fact that you all revelled in pulling her taste and choice apart is awful

I would have felt sympathy for you if you and your friends just happened to be chatting in real life and got carried away with trying to say the funniest thing about the dress after a few drinks and what got reported back didn't have the affection in it that you had intended.

But you have a separate side chat where you talk shit about her, which is really nasty. And you're all in your late forties which makes this teen level bitchery even more unforgivable.

It's not very friendly to not to tell her the dress won't work if you think it's horrible, and not very friendly to get together and gossip about it. No wonder she's upset.
You wouldn't have to say 'Yuk, you're forty for God's sake.' You could say 'I don't think the puff sleeves and straight neckline would be flattering. You look good in V necks with tighter sleeves which show off your collar bones. The knee-length dress with the long sleeves would look lovely on you'.

Sounds like her friends are a nest of vipers too.

I hope she is, so she knows the kind of people her 'friends' are. Only fair.

I personally wouldn’t wear the dress but it’s not awful. I think the fact you have a group without her is really mean and perhaps you are not very good friends at all. I assume someone else within the friendship group has told her, which begs the question if any of you are being honest with each other.

Nasty bunch ☹️.

Why is it any of your business? My DIL wear’s some absolute corkers but if she’s happy then so what. You don’t have to always say what’s in your head.

You say you 'love her' and yet you have a group chat that excludes her and which you slagged her choice of dress off. Yikes! With friends like you, who needs enemies?!

So she was proven correct in the end clearly.

I would be hurt as well if 8 friends were trashing my outfit behind my back after telling me they liked it.

It's not the fact that you don't like the dress, it's more the saying one thing to someone's face and the opposite behind their back, especially if she felt everyone was laughing at her.

It would have been kinder to say something like well it's not to my taste, or I personally wouldn't feel comfortable wearing that to a wedding but you know the bride/groom better than me etc. than blow smoke up her ass.

And if you post something on the internet, or share any kind of private opinion with 8 people, that's no longer a secret. The person is bound to see or hear about it eventually.

However, if I were the insulted friend, I probably would be able to see the funny side with time, especially if it really is hideous,and I would like to think I'd have the grace to forgive if you explain you were trying to spare her feelings in the first place. It is certainly not something that should end a good friendship.

Just read that you are in your late forties!! , Bloody hell, so not only cruel, spiteful and sly but of an age where sadly i don't think there is much hope of change. If the group was younger it would be nice to hope that this is a steep learning curve about tact, honesty and kindness but at this life stage I do wonder

Love the dress 💗

The friend group sound highly unpleasant people

Honestly this is school girl mean stuff. If you truly are someones friend you tell them the truth you do not discuss them with other people. Nasty carry on. Childish and nasty and that is actually a cute outfit and if your 'friend' wants to wear it you are not the clothing police.

I can only echo the comments everyone else has said. You and your friends actually sound like bullies. If you are true friends, just be honest. I have many times said to a friend when shopping or planning outfits “I’m not a massive fan of that, see what it looks like on”. Giving your opinion but remaining impartial as it’s really not that deep.

and the record - I actually like the dress. I’m picturing some lovely black pointy shoes or heels, big clutch bag and a black hair fascinator. Friend if you are reading this - rock that dress I’m sure you’re gonna look stunning! And find some better pals xx