To have made remarks about my friend’s dress

[ladieswholunch23]

Hi all. So, one of my friends is going to a wedding and she’s bought a dress which is…peculiar to say the least. So our group chat (roughly around 8 of us) we - obviously as to not hurt her feelings - we said we liked it as it had already been purchased.

However on our other group chat that she’s not on, we all gave our true thoughts that the dress is hideous and, at the very least, is not suitable for a wedding. Somehow my friend found out about this other group chat and the things we had been saying. Whilst obviously it wasn’t the intention to hurt her, she’s now saying we betrayed her and it has now caused a rift in the friend group. I love to death but she can be a real pain sometimes. AIBU?

I have a friend who is very erratic in her clothing choices and I definitely couldn’t tell her. I met her for a celebratory lunch at a posh restaurant a few weeks ago and she turned up in browny rust cheesecloth striped clown trousers and merell walking sandals. With a running vest. I was so astonished I was kind of speechless. She looked really awful. What are you gonna say?! Nothing. But it doesn’t mean you won’t chat about it to your other friends.

Do you bitch about your friends in a secret group chat?

If my tween behaved like this I would be disappointed, mortified and have serious words.

Have you ever wondered about the groups where your ‘friends’ discuss you OP?

Who needs enemies with a friendship group like this. Or as someone else put further up the thread, you’re a bunch of….

Why on earth does it matter what the dress is like?
If you wanted to say nasty things about it, you should have done it openly and not sneakily in a group all laughing at her.

Then you could have said 'well you know my views on it, but if you like it my views aren't important!'

Strong disagree.

I wouldn’t talk about her to other people, because that would make me a shitty person.

What a two faced bunch of friends she has. How would you have felt if you were the one with the dress being bitched about on another private chat presumably set up specifically to slag her off?

I don't think it matters what the dress looks like; you all couldn't wait to bitch about her, and it's come back to bite you on your obviously superior and stylish arses.

The group chat wasn’t set up about the dress it was there before

Do so now you've told the whole world exactly who you're taking about. What is the matter with you?

Also, what is so dreadful about that dress? It might not be your taste but there's nothing inappropriate about it IMO. If you really thinkbthere is, tonthis extent, of course you should have told her rather than gossiping.

Let it be a lesson. Nastiness on group chats always gets out, either because the kind of people who will have those conversations will also stir things up by sharing, or becuase someone on the chat is uncomfortable with it.

That sounds awkward, but if she asks your opinion and then gets shitty when you give it, that's on her.

If you gossip about her behind her back & she finds out, she's going to be upset. That's on you.

I'm not saying "never talk about anyone behind their back" but I do think it's best to only do so if there's a purpose e.g trying to figure out how to tell her, or supporting each other if you'd said something and she'd gotten shitty.

What happened just sounds humiliating for her.

Stop trying to justify your nastiness.

So she’s hardly displaying an inappropriate amount of flesh or wearing white - but you have style rules she has broken and rather than tell her, you bitch

she’s best shot of you

Honestly you are all horrible.

Of course you wanted to hurt her or why else have a whole chat group that excludes her, let alone then directly gossiping and bitching about her and the dress choice behind her back

She needs better friends!!!

So you all set up a group chat and she was already excluded from it? I hope she never speaks to any of you again as she can do so much better than friends like you

"The other group chat that she's not on"? ?
So she'll be feeling left out as well as bitched about.

There's a real pile on mentality here!

Obviously it's awful that she found out, and she's understandably upset, but it's not unusual to have discussed that dress in a chat that didn't involve her. Chill out everyone

It's still mean bitchy bullying. I hope you all feel proud of yourselves

I hope your "friend" isn't on MN.

I don’t think the dress is that bad. Not to my taste but I wouldn’t say it’s horrible. Not sure what being late 40s has to do with anything - probably meaning we’re too old for this dress? Why would you have a group chat that she’s not on? That’s quite mean in itself if I’m honest.

I’m confident that I’m a lovely person who has a good heart. Your judginess isn’t hitting its mark. Booomerrang!

Ikr! They be freaked!

she used to be on here but left last year saying it was a “nest of vipers” and we certainly heard about it in the group chat

How is that any better? Surely it's worse?

Go round and apologise and eat lots of humble pie if you want to salvage this friendship.

The dress isn’t appropriate for someone in their late 40s. Can you try and help her choose something else. Obviously you’ll have to do it kindly and diplomatically.