AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Unless there are lots of other examples I don't think I would get shot of him for what he said during the holiday quite yet. You will have both been shattered by the end of each day. Not an excuse but maybe a bit of an explanation. (I know my diplomacy and patience are the first to leave the room when I'm shattered). I would just see how you get on going forward and how happy you both are to be together and make compromises where needed. Keep it in mind but don't put words (or thoughts) in his mouth he may not have. Try to stop spiralling and just see how things are going forward. If there are many examples of him liking but disliking you then this is another thing.

Thank you, i'm trying to keep level headed about it all and not throw everything away.

There have been comments he's made in the recent past which I never really thought much of at the time, or just took as jokes, but they've obviously stuck in my head for me to be thinking about them now. Mostly about food, or my clothes, and one that really sticks with me from the beach holiday we did in the winter.

Maybe I am just overthinking things I don't know

Can I ask how much weight you’ve gained since you’ve met him?

as the holiday may have brought home the issue for both of you and you say his comments have been recent, so maybe it’s as your weight is increasing past a point and he’s concerned,

if it’s minimal obvs not, but if you’ve gained significantly in the last 18 months, he may be struggling with it,

If his words are still bothering you, it's worth a conversation at the very least.

I think there are a couple of possibilities from what you've said:

1. He says things off the cuff that he thinks are OK/funny, and doesn't stop to think about the impact

2. He says what he thinks he should say when you ask him directly, but occasionally his real thoughts slip out (and I guess you'll know whether his behaviours back this up)

I've learned the hard way that there are a few non-negotiables for me in a relationship:

1. My partner makes me feel respected
2. My partner listens to my feelings and takes them seriously
3. My partner fancies me
4. My partner is supportive
5. My partner is honest with me about his thoughts and feelings even when it's hard(in an appropriate way)
6. My partner doesn't take his anger or frustrations out on me

You may have a different list.

If I was having these doubts, I'd write down my list and have a really honest conversation with myself about whether my partner met my criteria. If there were some he didn't meet, I'd open a dialogue with him and see what we could work on.

I would also ask my partner to do the same: make a list, be honest about what non-negotiables he had, whether there were areas I needed to work on.

In an ideal world, your non-negotiables align. If one of his is weight, fitness, or appearance related, that's perfectly fine. It's his list. But, it may be that you aren't happy with that being a condition of your relationship.

Honestly, OP, some people on this thread have just been absolute cunts for the sake of it, and they do it on purpose. It's really sad for them but all you can do is rise above it.

When it comes to your boyfriend, you should listen to your instincts. He didn't actually listen or respect your concerns, but instead he shut the conversation down by showering you with compliments. But as pp said, his words and actions don't match up. And I'm sorry OP but anyone can say anything. It's how a person treats you that matters most. If he is consistently behaving with kindness and respect and he's making you feel good, then great. But it sounds like he's treated you pretty badly and instead of acknowledging that and apologising, he's trying to deflect and manipulate you.

Throw this one back, OP, that's my advice. There are lovely men out there and you'll meet someone else.

What I would find worrying is the lack of compromise. One day walking to sights - the next day rest and relaxation or a fancy place for lunch, that sort of thing would be fair to both of you. But many of us women don't say what we want, we go along with what our partners fancy doing, and that's a bad habit. One little tip for you though OP, if you're walking and your back starts to ache, stop and bend forward from the waist and dangle your arms for a few seconds. It seems to relax the back and hips a bit and helps with the pain.

I think my partner would have just got taxis. That’s all that would have happened really. If I struggled and was in pain he would have just got taxis with me. If it wasn’t just preference and I was struggling he wouldn’t even have tried to find a compromise position - he wouldn’t have enjoyed it if he knew I was miserable.

I did mention up thread but about 1 1/2 stone or so.

Thank you, thats a really thoughtful post x

Oh thank you for the tip, I will definitely try that!

its like he can't accept life doesn't always go to plan.

And that's the point. Your talk with him was completely and utterly pointless. Because you only addressed what he 'said about you'. You didn't address the most important point you needed to address. That he is a micromanaging controller than allows no room for alterations in plans. Your talk with him was a complete waste of time since you didn't discuss the most important part. Your weight is completely and totally irrelevant to the germaine point which is he has no ability to make adjustments that don't sit outside his micromanaging mindset where if something doesn't go exactly to plan to the second, he can't handle it. Your weight is really completely irrelevant because even if you were slim, trim and taut, he'd still be a micromanager that doesn't stop to consider his partner's needs.

Also, if your hips are bothering you, which they might if you have sedentary job, if you lie on your side on the floor and lift your uppermost leg very slowly, then try and bring it back as slowly as you can. Do it as many times as feels comfortable then do the other leg.

This seems to release any tension on the side of your hips and really can make them more comfortable.

I have a job where o sit down a lot too and often find I have to do this either before work or later in the evening.

Have you been truly honest yet with your BF about how all this has made you feel? I think you know he fancies you but those words, recently and previously are sticking in your head and really not helping your mental health. This problem is inflating for you and your partner is probably completely oblivious to how you feel. Obesity is heavily linked to mental health and I worry for you.

Your partner is either completely unaware of how he makes you feel (many men are!) or he needs a massive kick up the bum to change. I am not making excuses he could be a ar$3hole but he could also be neurodivergent.

I would suggest first you show him this thread. Make him aware you understand what happened on holiday was a conflict and you want things to change, and the first step to getting any help for yourself is an understanding partner and happiness in yourself.

I think you were both unreasonable, if I’m honest.

You were aware of the destination abd the plans. You told him it was fine (or you didn’t express any concerns at least) and he planned accordingly. Presumably, he was looking forward to the type of holiday you both planned. It sounds like he put a bit of effort into planning sight-seeing too. Then after a few days it was apparent that you couldn’t do those things. It’s fair enough that you felt you couldn’t- it is what it is, as you say- but I would have been upset and frustrated that a big part of the holiday that I was looking forward to was being curtailed. I don’t think that is an unreasonable response to that situation.

However, I don’t think it is unreasonable to compromise- you could have got a taxi and met him at your planned destination, for example. I think another reasonable compromise was what you did- stay in a cafe (or do any other activity you wanted) for the afternoon and let him go and do what he had planned. I don’t see the issue with this approach. You did not have to do the walking, he got to do what he wanted.

Where he was perhaps unreasonable was in being annoyed that you didn’t do it all together- you felt unable to, so his choices were to change his plans or to carry on as he planned. But, having made a choice he should have got on with it.

I think he sounds a bit thoughtless with his comments about food. But maybe he is worried about you (even though you’ve never been slim) because of how much you struggles and it’s a clumsy way of demonstrating it? If not, and you genuinely think he is purposefully having continued digs at you about your weight then I think you need to consider whether you should continue to put up with it.

I wouldn’t show him the thread at all OP. You’ve had such a bashing and I think the way you e come back and answered in a calm and measure way has been admirable.

I wouldn’t want to show my DH a thread with so many negative comments about me though. It would be fine if all the comments were about your relationship but so many have been frankly brutal about your weight.

I’m not sure I agree irs reasonable for her to sit in a cafe. He didn’t plan to go on holiday alone. And do everything alone; I think it would have been reasonable for her to keep to the plans and get a taxi when he walked.

but 9t wasn’t far. The op was predominantly walking ten k steps a day or less, other than one day, due to her size it may well take her longer to walk any distance , so based on how many steps they did and the time to do it, it’s hugely feasible the 35 min walk was just a mile.

ithink the op is just really upset and wants to blame him , make it his fault. Because walking relatively short distances caused her physical pain, and they have both just realised how much her health is compromised.

Wow! I am really impressed by those of you who walk 20-30K steps a day. In USA terms, that's 10-15 miles and about 4-5 hours of continuous walking.

Even 10K equals 4-5 miles.

Impressive.

It’s not continuous like a marathon. It’s speqd over time.

To clarify further, thr recommendation for ten k, steps, which is equivalent of walking for about 80 mins, is we should be moving for 80 mins out the 14 hours we are awake and up and out of bed.

I think it's more like an hour and forty minutes at a moderate pace. Of course, if you are power walking, that would be less time.

Unless you're very short, that's not a lot of weight.

Yes, it makes a difference, but I wouldn't consider that enough to impact the way your partner feels about you, or your fitness.

Although I'm saying that as someone who is just shy of 6ft, so perhaps my concept of weight gain is a little more lenient as it spreads out more!

Op does he take you out often to dinner, bars etc. I have learnt in my dating journey and the social media that runs with it, "bigger girl" is a thing but like you are feeling, he does find you attractive but is embarrassed by it.

I also know many women who are bigger who are partners/wife's of my friends and family. No embarrassment at all and if I heard them ever making a comment i would lose the friendship over it.

@Busylizzy87 , OP is 5'2".
@AnnoyedAsAllHeck , 10K is 6.21 miles.

"on the third day I asked if we could get taxis"

Im surprised you don’t find gaining weight at the rate of a stone a year is a lot. It does seem like a steep trajectory to me.