AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Op can you afford to take the weight loss medication Mounjaro? Im the same height as you and had a BMI of 49, I felt so ill and was struggling to walk without joint pain I’m older than you in my fifties but it’s completely changed my life. I’ve lost nearly 7 stones over 2 years. It’s an incredible medication when used properly. Please consider it for your own health and happiness.

You’re in the early stages of your relationship, it shouldn’t be fraught like this.

I think he behaved badly and I strongly believe you should trust your gut, but a mismatch in fitness levels or dream holidays shouldn’t be a bar to a relationship. Bad behaviour is.

I don’t know if this helps but my DH is super fit, can’t sit still and is always running, cycling, climbing, canoeing etc. I don’t like any of that. He runs a marathon as a training run in the morning then wants to know what out afternoon plans are. On our honeymoon he teamed up with some other random men to play rugby on the beach because I was happy chilling by the pool.

we’re totally mismatched but he’s the first person to tell me to take time out and relax, to get a massage at my fancy gym where he knows I do very little training but love the sauna and in turn when he goes on cycling holidays with the lads I wish him well. That’s the bit that I’d important not if I can do 15k steps on a Wednesday morning.

What I will say is I chose the best man to have DC with. When they were little he was always out and about with them and as they got older he taught them to ski and cycle and sail. So if that’s something in your future it’s worth having in the back of your mind. I bring different stuff to the table.

take a little time over the next weeks to focus on whether he really was reacting to a holiday disappointment or if his attitude is more deep seated. If it’s the latter, know that it doesn’t have to be like this.

if your BMI is 48, I’m not surprised you struggled to walk much. It was unrealistic of him to think you’d be happily walking around all day. You both should’ve factored this in, tbf. You then could have compromised.

There’s a difference between “liking big girls” and then having to compromise on lifestyle due to massive fitness deficits. You identify red flags about his attitude and it’s likely the dissonance caused by these two competing realities.

Sorry I got distracted whilst writing my last post and you’ve posted a few times since.

if he’s embarrassed by you that is an issue. Never ever be with someone who doesn’t think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, because god knows there will be times when you really need a cheerleader and someone who thinks anything less of you than you’re amazing is not worth wasting your time with

I'm loathe to stick up for him too much as I think he was out of line on this holiday, but I think there may be a reason for this and you may be reading too much into it.

He may well like bigger ladies, and finds you sexy and attractive, as well as loving you for who you are, at the end of the day you live together and are building a life together, unless there's things you haven't said, you're most definitely not a dirty little secret.

But you said yourself on this trip you were walking quite slow, but sweating profusely most the time and really out of breath.. which in fairness, is not really attractive on anyone.

I think you need to separate out your physical size, from your fitness levels, because you can be a bigger person and still be fit enough to handle a city break without struggling as much as you did.

That makes sense I guess, I dunno, maybe i'm just overthinking it.

It's just the difference between what he said last night and just generally how our private life is, compared to what happened on holiday, and previous comments he's made about food and clothes and things (its not constant by any means, but theres times that have stuck in my head)

Lisbon Walking Routes: 6 Self-Guided Walks With Map (2026)
might give some idea of what walking in Lisbon is like.

His comment about the cakes was mean. You were on holiday and you brought them back for the two of you.

…… right …. OK …. so what advice or solutions are YOU putting forward ? Presumably in your Universe the husband should simply accommodate and cater for his DW’s descent into obesity and all the horrors which accompany it ? The husband is not the problem here - other than being a thick bloke, which as we know, sticks out a mile in most blokes when it comes to domestic matters. So, you just carry on providing a shoulder to cry on. But stick around, cos you’re gonna be needed when the real problems kick in.

I really disagree with the red flag posts.

You literally weren’t functioning aged 28 on a holiday moving a fairly minimal amount and he didn’t placate you. He also didn’t shame yo or yell at you.

please me careful that you don’t take the easy way out a blame him for this situation. This is an opportunity for you do do something about this situation with a supportive partner

Jesus Christ… OP has said numerous times that she KNOWS she needs to lose weight, work on her fitness levels, that the comments on here over and over about her weight and people humble bragging about steps and how she should’ve realised that she wouldn’t be able to do all that walking etc are now actually starting to get a bit much; and yet still people are going in at her.

Do you all really think that going on at someone who is overweight to the point of almost group bullying is actually the right way to go about motivating someone to lose weight; because let me tell you, it’s bloody not, it’s counterproductive. If OP is anything like me, it will make her self esteem drop even more, kick in those awful feelings and make her reach for the comfort food.
Just stop and take on board what OP is actually saying when she says about the many many weight comments.

OP, I’m glad you had a chat with him, but I don’t think you’ve made him see how he’s made you feel. But I commented before about how he seems too rigid in his thinking and his inability to compromise.

And, I hope you bloody enjoyed those little cakes… if you can’t have cake when on holiday, when can you?
hugs, try to keep your head up x

I don't have anything useful to add to who was being unreasonable, but I wanted to say that DP and I hired electric bikes (Lime equivalent) in cities in the Baltics a while ago and it was a revelation. Neither of us is unfit or has mobility problems, but we were doing a lot of exploring cities and walking round galleries and museums etc, in hot weather, and it gets tiring. Biking just saves that bit of leg power and general energy.

Thank you I appreciate it.

I don't know how many more times I can say I know about my weight, theres just no point replying to all the people who are repeating the same thing.

DH and I would do that with the cakes on holiday if they were a speciality of the area.

We have zero weight issues.

I don't think you can judge her so hastily off one box of cakes.

Whilst I stand by what I’ve said about him not taking any kind of criticism and being unkind I might be able to explain a little of how he says he fancies you but makes comments about your mobility and weight.

We are in a similar position. My DH I love and fancy very much but he simply will not do anything about his weight and fitness and if he does, it’s half hearted and short term. He also over eats and is very dismissive if anyone asks why he’s eating essentially half a days worth of calories as a snack in the evening when he’s already eaten well all day.

It’s frustrating and I wish he’d just say I have no interest in getting fitter or how this affects both of us long term. Then at least I would know where I stand. It’s the promises to get fitter and then the stopping again quickly which really is annoying.

He had a serious health scare and even that hasn’t given him the impetus to change anything.

It could be that he does love you and fancy you but is concerned about the choices your making and how that will affect the future for both of you.

You’re wondering if you want to stay with a man that criticises you and doesn’t make allowances or is willing to change or even listen to feedback.

He’s probably wondering how he can possibly move forward with someone who is young and he loves but seems to be putting on weight at a rate of a stone a year and had serious mobility issues.

I’m not saying anything he’s done is right but it might in some way explain how he’s feeling.

I think you both need to talk more. You’ve already accepted that you didn’t talk about your worries before the holiday and were passive over the planning.

I think it’s time to ask him why he says those things in private and yet his behaviour is different and how he sees your future together.

I think you also need to be honest with him. If your idea of a perfect holiday is sitting in a coffee shop and eating cake whilst reading a book then he needs to know that too.

And he definitely deserves to know if you want to make changes and see them through or if you’re happy to carry on as you are with all that brings for your future

Not sure who you are talking to as you haven't quoted?

The OP isn't married either for info.

This is a discussion forum .. you don't have to give advice, offer solutions or tell people what they already know (and have acknowledged many, many times on the thread if you bothered to read) to understand where OP is coming from, be supportive and offer alternative perspectives for consideration.

I don’t they are - I think it’s based on a bmi of 48.

The rest of the post makes perfect sense. Creating red flags for someone that just expected her to walk a normal distance.

I can’t imagine how hard it is to see someone you love struggle so much and then blame you for not understanding.

I say this as an overweight person currently trying to lose weight.

I’ve said the same about blokes upthread. You literally have to stop DH and point things out in very simple terms. He’s an intelligent professional so not stupid but he can be over some things. My DFs sometimes say the same.

With most men it’s not a case of “they should have realised” my DH can’t find his car keys most days never mind book a short trip and think of every eventuality.

If you asked him if I had mobility issues he’d probably say no. I’m waiting for a knee replacement

This is very hard and I imagine very sensitive for you. And rhere are many different issues here,

firstly , gently, that’s not a lot of walking, we should all aim for 10k steps a day as the basic, some days you were even less. With one larger day. As such, I’d assume this was already a reduced schedule to allow for your difficulties.

id use fhis, not as a way to attack your partner, but recognise with a bmi of 48 your mobility is now severely impacted, this willl be having such an enormous impact on your health,from your skeleton strain, muscle damage, to many of your organs ability to function.

This is fairly standard daily levels od walking. And it was not feasible. You didn’t know this, so it is understandable he also didn’t. And he only expected you to do a very basic amount.

secondly if hou think he is ashamed to be seen with uou. Then end the relationship, that will kill your self confidence.

on a personal note we went away with some friends and my bil and sil. She also is about the same bmi, we explained many times the type of holiday but she was adamant she’d do it. We also just quietly reduced it to make it easier for her.

when it came to it she couldn’t do it. But instead of just getting a taxi and meeting us places, she wanted us all to get taxis and change our plans. She’d also start off walking, gnem we would all have to stop for an hour whilst she rested. It was very difficult and the whole trip became about her and us all amending our plans to fit her mobility needs. Any gentle suggestion of getting a taxi and meeting us was met with annoyance and either a huffy I shall wait behind then, go with out me, or an annoyed I can do it we just need to rest.

It was just really painful for everyone, particularly as we all had to walk very slowly and to a constant chorus about how sore her ankles, back and feet were, with a constant commentary on the swelling of her feet and ankles,

she was the one who wanted to come, she knew what it would be, but instead of taking personal responsibility when she realised, she pretty much made it everyone’s issue as she was so pissed off and embarassed.

Also I don’t think I actually said, but yes he absolutely could have been more empathetic. City breaks are a lot of walking, and if one of the pair are struggling I think it is reasonable to take breaks etc. I understand his annoyance with the situation, and I don’t necessarily think sitting in a cafe reading by yourself is a bad thing personally 😂 but, yes he could have been kinder.
if you being able to walk fast and long on a hilly holiday is a deal breaker for him he needs to be honest about that, and same
got you, if you can’t do this kind of
holiday and he wants this. It’s something to discuss and make decisions about.
we are polar opposite on holidays, ie I lay by the pool reading the entire week and he jet skis, paddle boards etc. we try and accommodate both of us (quite hard now we have 3 children!)
our first holiday together was quite a learning curve and there was disappointment on both sides. But we have learnt what works for us l, and sometimes it still doesn’t work. But we make it work and do our best. But it takes work from both ends. And one of us wouldn’t leave the other if there was friction etc. I’m more than happy for him to go off on his own tbh even now we have kids, but it’s a discussion and agreement rather than an argument and a punishment.

I went to Lisbon around this time last year, I can see why he is disappointed to be honest. I don't think we got in a taxi once other than when we went to Cascais (as trains weren't running). I'm the same age as you and slightly shorter. I do not mean offence when I say this but I also thought you would say you were walking 20-30k steps a day since you say you were so tired you couldn't walk 45 minutes - an hour by day 3.

It's good you have seen this as a wake up call. I understand why you would feel upset by your partner's reaction but equally it sounds like he expressed how he felt in a kind and reasonable manner rather than berating or guilt tripping you.

I think maybe you're just not compatible (or shouldn't go on these kind of holidays together). I'm not going to comment further on your walking/exercise etc. as I've now RTFT. Ultimately it is what it is, you both know you are overweight and aren't able to walk long distances, you both know that he likes to walk long distances. I think I'd feel very upset in your shoes and probably a bit self-conscious, I'd equally be a bit annoyed in his if I felt I was missing out on parts of my holiday.

Listen to your gut OP.

I am pretty physically fit and I love walking. But I might want to get the odd cab on a holiday if I was hot/tired/had blisters. And I wouldn’t want to be with a man who made an argument out of it and spoilt the vibe of the holiday

I do think he's demonstrated rigidity of thinking and an inability to understand your perspective. Taking the weight out of it for a minute, you were struggling (for whatever reason), and he didn't compromise or support.

This would worry me - he will need to have your back and not be so fixed in his ideas- particularly if you have kids in future. It won't always go according to plan!

Having said that I do believe him about fancying you- i think you are maybe feeling down yourself about everything. It doesn't surprise me that he hasn't linked fitness/weight/attractiveness, some people would compartmentalise them.