AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Me too. Are you much less active than this at home?

Are you sure hes 'naturally slim' or is it all the walking and running?

I don't think the op said she was "on heat"; isn't that just dogs?😂

Years ago I had a painful left foot but oh decided we would walk everywhere on our five day holiday in Copenhagen. I told him my foot hurt, couldn’t we use public transport but we didn’t. After the holiday I saw a dr for the painful foot and had three cortisone injections before it got better. I insisted oh watched the treatment and held my hand, which I squeezed very tightly. Far more tightly than necessary though! 😂😂 quite painfully I expect!

Oops

Copenhagen’s pretty hard going with a dodgy foot - lots of cobbled streets and a lot of walking ( although has a good metro) - I know - we lived there for 20 months and I developed a dodgy foot a few weeks after I moved - had to get sturdier trainers!!!

is that all? We did 32,000 per day when visiting Rome and I’m overweight too. You need to get your fitness level up girl! What you did on your holiday is a normal day for me without exercise. I’d be pretty off too if my partner slowed me down.

🏅

It was supposed to be a holiday, not a fucking endurance test.

Yes, quite. Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the boiling heat (paraphrasing) comes to mind. Eejit.

He's your boyfriend, he's supposed to love you and care about you, and it doesn't sound much like he does.

Please get checked out for rheumatoid arthritis. It really does make you tired and achey long before others. By city I take it you mean London? The pace there is different from everywhere else and you cannot walk at your normal stride. Like visiting Ikea,my legs and hips are killing me after going thete due to the stilted walking.
That said you did know it was a walking tour so he will have been disappointed.

We go on city breaks but I can't walk long distances due to a knackered knee (awaiting a replacement) so we mooch around in the morning then I spend the afternoon reading while DH goes off exploring. Works well for us. Next time you'll both know what to expect and can plan accordingly.

If your referring to the thread about finding it difficult to to walk about a lot if it's hot then I'm not being mean I feel for them both.. he wants to get out and about she really can't get into so much walking about.. If mentioning weight upsets people well it wasn't intended as a judgement just from personal experience that walking about a lot in the heat is bloody difficult.

He didnt want to take taxis.Said it woulf spoil holifay.

.....as if it's that easy...(nobody surely wants to be fat) but sadly some people struggle to lose weight if they have an out of control appetite. I know how to eat healthily - and do - but then sugary snacks come-a-calling. It's been like that for 40 years. I lose weight, then put it all back on again as can't keep on a restricted diet for more than a few weeks...... :(

YANBU He sounds really nasty and cruel and lacking compassion. He wanted to throw you in the deep end without any regard at all to how you'd cope. He is not easygoing and lacks the ability to adjust when things go wrong. He doesn't sound very nice at all. I'd be having a long conversation with him, and considering ending it because if he doesn't change, if you don't do everything you agreed with him every where you go out, you will be walking on eggshells. Life is too short to have outings micromanaged to that state that he cannot adapt to unforeseen circumstances. Someone who micromanages everything and cannot adapt or change plans to make a partner feel comfortable is not someone worth being with and being on eggshells with.

Hi everyone, I am still here I promise and I have just read anything. To be honest I put a brave face on it but I really needed a break from reading some of the comments because its really hard.

Believe me, I don't need people to keep telling me that i'm fat, that I hardly did any steps, how many more steps you do and everything like that. I see it every time I look at myself, every time i'm trying clothes on. I know I need to change things, but just keeping repeating it to me doesn't get me anywhere.

I also wanted to say thank you to all of the people who have been kind because there have been a lot of you and I really appreciate it all x

I'm really sorry if I upset you I was referring to myself and my experience of walking about a lot and me being overweight and the similarities in a relationship between me and a close family member who always suggests going on long walks because it's what they just love to do and I hate being a drag so I always say ok but secretly it's quite hard going so I suppose I was selfish thinking my answer might relate to how you feel and ended up being just what you don't want to hear... I am really sorry if this has upset you it was the last thing I wanted. All the best to you. 😕😔😊💞✨

Oh, love, I’m so glad you came back - I thought you might have left the thread, and I would understand why. I realised after I’d responded to you that I didn’t tell you something important, about ME. Maybe you will relate to it.

I have been there - BMI of 48, on holiday in a hot place, struggling to walk up the hills, with my much fitter husband marching on ahead. “You’re sweating so much - you’re dripping” he said. I KNOW!! And I’m uncomfortable - thanks for pointing that out

I didn’t suggest taking taxis, because I was ashamed. I was determined to show I could cope and to keep up, even though I couldn’t. I tried really hard, and was exhausted. But he didn’t see that, or acknowledge it. It was routine when we were out walking - both out for a hike, but also just round the streets while shopping - that he would be miles ahead of me. I hated it, and I would seethe inwardly. But I never said anything about it - because I thought it was all my fault and I ought to be able to cope.

Could your partner have been more understanding? Yes, he could. At the same time, you could have been more assertive and said you WERE taking a taxi, and he could come with you, or not.

You can’t control his attitude towards you. You CAN choose your response to his attitude.

So, having expressed how you feel about his attitude, what do you want to happen next? You can’t change him….. you can change you. Although that isn’t easy, to put it mildly.

For me, Overeaters Anonymous has been life changing. It deals with the compulsive eating…. but the program also changes the way I relate to people. More honesty, less hiding, more awareness of managing my side of things and leaving other people to their own path.

Anyway the main update, I sat down with him last night to talk about this.

I told him how upset his reaction made me and I expected him to be more understanding. He felt super dismissive at first, saying it was one of those things and couples always argue. I told him I didn't think it was fair him dismissing my feelings like that, and that I found it really upsetting.

He said he had been a bit frustrated because we'd been going "quite slow" and he didn't want to miss things we had planned. I told him I understood that but with the situation we were in then its not something we could change and there was no reason for him to be so dismissive. He said he thought I would have said something before the holiday if I thought I was going to struggle (I accepted that a bit because he did basically all the planning and I didn't say anything, but I didn't really appreciate the distances as much as I should or how hilly it would be etc).

I said to him it was also really hurtful that he was still mad later on in the hotel and made the sarky comment about the pastel de natas. He said that was just a joke and he wasn't being serious, but I said to him that surely he could see I was upset and he shouldn't have said it. He apologised but then said 'but...' (theres always a but isn't there!) he couldn't understand why I'd brought so many back after I'd already had some in the cafe. I told him it was only a little box with 5 in, which was how they came, not like a massive box! And I brought them back so he could share them and see how good they were.

I kinda bit the bullet and basically said to him I feel like he's angry and/or embarrassed with me about my weight, and I find that hurtful. It was only really at that point he showed any emotion, told me I'm being ridiculous and he loves me and my weight doesn't matter to him, he loves me no matter what my size, he thinks i'm sexy, and all this stuff.

It kinda threw me a bit because after everything I was expecting him to agree with me and tell me he thinks its a problem, but he was just showering praise and love on me.

I didnt really know what to do/say after that and we were in bed and it was late, so we just kind of ended the conversation then.

I really don't know where I stand with it, I just don't feel like i've got any more reassurance with things than I had before and i'm probably even more confused than I was before

Sorry I know i've rambled on a bit but I know people were asking for an update x

None of that though solves the problem of him being unable to adapt to change, to alter plans to consider your needs. It doesn't address his need to micromanage every step of what is supposed to be a break, a holiday. It doesn't tell us (or you) if he is going to change his ways and become more easygoing and less uptight. So this issue will happen next time you go on holiday unless you sort it out now. Because from your update, you really did not even touch the centre, the nucleus, of the actual issue. You didn't actually address what needed to be addressed, just talked around the edges.

On one hand I think he was unfair and should have more supportive. If you've reached your limit then you've reached your limit and you might end up injuring yourself if you try to push on.
On the other hand I think it wasn't very sensible to book the holiday without some preparation on your part. I've had some mobility issues over the years and I always map out some rough distances and amounts of physical activity for a potential holiday and try to do a day around my home city with similar distances to see how I handle it before I book. Trying to sightsee while you're in pain and exhausted is miserable.

OP If he loves you and you love him I think he has to downscale his expectations on such a trip. You both need to enjoy the trip and maybe he has to do hardcore walking without you and you guys meet up later on. It's not weird or abnormal for couples not to do everything together. I can't go running with my husband he is way too fast and to be honest I get cross with him when we're supposed to be going for a walk together and he strides off at top speed. I say to him either you slow down or I'll meet you at X. I tend to drift along slowly looking at stuff and taking pictures and he strides off at a cracking pace. I think your partner needs to be kind to you and you have to face it that you move at different paces. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker but you both have to learn to work around it.

I’m not sure it would have helped if he did start saying your weight is an issue and that’s he’s not happy with how it impedes your mobility or whatever. As honestly, it’d just make you feel like shit. I’m glad you addressed it, and you know in future where you’re at in terms of your fitness so won’t make that mistake again.

I’d move on now, carry on doing what you can to lower your weight and increase your stamina. Before I went on a walking holiday, I went out walking every night, trying to get longer and longer as the weeks went on. It was a killer on my back. My BMI was 52 at that time, the truth is that I lost 4.5 stone on Mounjaro, still BMI of 42, (and I’ve regained a stone since I stopped a year and a half ago, but still doing loads more) and it has improved my mobility massively. My back no longer hurts when I walk and I can go much longer without needing to stop.

It’s not easy to lose weight, and I’m not saying this as in well you just need to lose weight! Like you said, yes if it were as simple as that there’d be no obesity problems. But I think if someone had told me when I was at my highest weight that even 2/3stone loss could make all the difference to how you’re feeling and your fitness, I think that would feel more achievable to losing 10 stone to get down to a healthy BMI.

Good luck with it

Telling you he loves you and isn’t bothered by your weight is ok, but he’s not really following up in his actions.

Yes, I think you’ve realised that you should have been more honest about your lack of mobility and you definitely should have planned the trip together and not deferred everything to him, but these are things you can learn from.

How he’s behaved though does really match with what he’s saying. He has criticised you for the pastries, and to be honest I’d be annoyed too if my DH had some in a cafe and then brought back another 5, which equates to around 1000 calories. I think with how you said that @it was just a small box of 5” shows that you might have a bit of a warped idea of portion sizes for healthy adults. Five between two is still an extra 500 or so calories added onto your daily intake and I think that you had already eaten some in the day?

That doesn’t mean though that he’s excused from having a huff when you made it clear that you couldn’t keep up, sulking in the evening and criticising your food choices then when you bring all of this up, flattering you and hoping that makes you happy.

I think you have a lot of thinking to do. Is he capable of making his words match his actions? Do you think he’ll be more understanding in future?

Do you want to be more mobile? If you’re thinking of having a family in the future your BMI can have serious implications for the PG and labour and then there’s the issue of all the physical work of looking after a small child alongside keeping a home and working.

Have you thought about going to the GP? I appreciate that you might be apprehensive. Do you actually want to change things now or would you prefer to keep on as you are and if you go on holiday or a short break to make it less demanding?