AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I actually think and tried to say this, that your weight isn’t the issue here. I think fitness is probably more of the issue, or actual health problems, for example as someone else mentioned arthritis etc. or actual back problems. Because and I’m not trying to be harsh, that isn’t a large amount of steps. But I don’t think your weight is the reason you found that amount of steps difficult. So if I were you I’d focus on finding what may be the issues and try to fix them.

To me, 20 odd years into a relationship with someone who has very different ideas of what a holiday is and expectations around activity levels. I think it’s completely normal to have mismatched expectations at first and you often don’t realise somethings an issue until you’re in the situation. I’ve had similar on city breaks where my feet are all one big blister and my ankles are so swollen it’s painful to walk. I mentioned earlier in the thread that we’ve learned to compromise and actually find we enjoy elements of each others ideas and suggestions now. We used to say we had created the perfect holiday system! Then a child came a long and now our holidays don’t suit either of us!!! But we’re getting into a rhythm with that too so everyone gets a bit of what they need.

I also holiday with friends who enjoy a lazy week or two on the beach with a mojito and he goes away with friends to be a bit more adventurous and active.

I don’t think this is a reflection on either of you or your relationship. It’s just the part where you start to have to navigate these kind of things so everyone gets what they need

Massive well done OP for not letting him shrug this off. It must have been a very hard conversation for you to have with him.

I suspect now the dust has settled he is trying to downplay everything, but the bottom line was he was frustrated with you, he was frustrated with how much you were struggling and he was judging you for what you were eating, he made you feel bad, and he continued to make you feel bad on holiday so he obviously does have those feelings. I suppose in day to day life it doesn't affect your relationship in any way so now you're back he doesn't want to admit to your face that he found your weight to be a problem on this holiday, even though he clearly did.

I'm not sure what that means for your future, as even if it doesn't affect you day to day lives, you will always have that mismatch in health and fitness, if you don't want to improve your health and fitness going forward, and he is always going to find your weight problematic, even if he doesn't admit it, and not be willing to compromise, the relationship probably won't survive long term, the cracks are now showing and you won't be able to unsee it.

Thank you for coming back to update. I’m not really sure if I can allay your confusion, however I do want to say that you were in my thoughts on Saturday. I live in southern Europe. It is hot!!

I do walk a fair bit for health reasons . On Saturday I had to do an errand which required a 3 km walk. I went in the morning and it was fine. On the way back the sun had come out and it was getting hotter. Suddenly 3 km felt like 10. I very nearly threw in the towel and waited for a bus. I thought about you not being so fit and how awful it must have been.

My advice would be to participate in the planning for your next trips. One or two taxi journeys can ease the burden. Perhaps you need some stamina training if you must do such treks AND book the most strenuous trips in the cooler weather.

Yes. Being abroad in a strange city can pose all sorts of challenges to an otherwise calm relationship! Holidays can create unexpected stresses.

I think you sound like a great young woman.

The issue is that you feel confused because the bottom line is his words do not match his actions.

He can tell you he loves you and fancies you all he likes but when in a situation he is not kind, sarky, moody and not a very nice person.

Your gut is warning you.
Please listen to your gut.
You deserve better than a man that chips away at your self-esteem.

His go to is impatience and moodiness, not qualities that you want in a man to share a family with.

So often women on MN regret not listening to the red flags early on.

I think you are not compatible and he simply isn't good enough.

Kindness is a very important quality in a long term partner and a tendency to be stubborn, moody or sulky, can quickly morph into a deeply unpleasant relationship that leaves you living on your nerves and walking on eggshells.

I think the above is why you are not feeling reassured.

Words are cheap, actions are what count.

To me it sounds like your bf also felt like he was compromising - maybe walking slower or less distances. Personally I'd expect to do about double the step count you did on a city break. If he felt he had already compromised and planned/seen less, I can see him getting frustrated. Equally you also felt you had compromised and pushed yourself, so you were frustrated. In a way, your weight is separate to your fitness, and that is the bit causing friction.

YANBU. Weight aside, it’s hard for anyone to go to doing a lot of walking everyday from nothing. People underestimate walking as an exercise, and he should recognise and be understanding of the fact you don’t have the same endurance as an already fit man. And in the boiling heat in Lisbon? It’s a recipe for an injury. You did the right thing respecting your limits and stopping

Thank you. If i'm honest I have some real red flags running around my head now, in particular about what he thinks of me in private compared to in public, thats the major one for me.

To be honest I can see why he got annoyed with you about the cakes. A large reason you couldn’t properly participate was due to your weight as a result of overeating yet your response was to go and eat cake and take more back to the hotel with you. I don’t mean to be harsh but you need to be able to recognise this to be able to make a change.

You were brave to put up a thread on MN, it is a very toxic place at times, as can be seen by some awful comments.

But you braved it because you have self esteem and do not want to be with someone who treats you poorly.

He HAS treated you poorly and with his behaviour spoiled the trip for you.

We teach people how to treat us and he thought he could behave like this.

You have spoken to him, but the fact is he thinks that it is ok to behave like this.

Would you be rushing to book another break like that again?
I think not.

I do however think the break was very valuable because it has shown you who he is.

His mask dropped and what you have seen isn't really nice.

When things don't suit him he's not kind and pleasant.

What about if you had a difficult child and everything wasn't going his way, is this how you would be treated and made to feel?

It's the small things that reveal a man.

My grandmother always said, tell a man NO to something he wants, and become ill.

How they react and treat you will reveal a lot about him.

You have a lot to think about.
If you were my daughter I would be very proud of you that you are clever enough to see beyond his cheap words.

I think you’re absolutely right to have those doubts.

If for instance in the future you both had a family, would he still criticise your stamina and your food choices in front of your DC?

There are plenty of MNers in the Relationship section who are or have been married to awful men who put them down regularly and even some who then get the DC to join in as well.

How do you think he’d be if you were ill, had a baby or an operation and needed support?

It doesn’t sound as though he’s willing to discuss much, like the plans for the holiday, or change his expectations when he’s told that actually what he has planned isn’t ok and things might need a tweak.

I also think that when you’ve called out his behaviour he’s told you that he loves and fancies you knowing that this will confuse and also hopefully stop you trying to discuss things about him that he doesn’t want to hear.

You’re very young still. That gut feeling is there to protect you and if you do decide to listen to it you have plenty of time to work on yourself and move on

And the above advice from Exploding is very wise.

Yes we live together. We share the cooking. The atmosphere in my mind has been awkward since we got home but I feel like he hasnt noticed

Thank you. That is also a worry to me...its like he can't accept life doesn't always go to plan. But I do think there's something with him too about what he thinks of me in private compared to publicly, if that makes sense.

That sounds concerning, what do you mean by that OP, does he make comments? How is he different?

Thank you, yes that all makes a lot of sense. I've really seen a different side of him with this and it worries me.

In all sincerity, OP, I don’t think the sympathy posts you’re gathering on this thread are going to help you in any way. You have two problems- your weight and now - a partner who appears to be becoming increasingly fed up with your ‘inability’ to take a little control of your own life. ( bought a little box of cakes to share after eating the same cakes earlier? Really ?? ) So now you’re conjuring up ‘red flags’ concerning HIS behaviour. Get yourself to your GP and pour all this out to her. You need help and you’re not getting much here. I truly, truly wish you well.

Sorry but I've been told all this over and over and over again on this thread. I'm allowed to have concerns over my relationship based on the conversations with him

If i'm being honest (and god knows if its even fair/accurate or i'm just spiralling) but my sense with him is that he likes bigger girls but secretly, and the reality of that in public he is embarrassed about. That's how it feels to me at the moment.

…. and you’re not listening. Your life. Get on with it.

That's harsh, who are you to say what OP finds helpful.

He lost all sympathy with me when he arranged this trip and blames OP for 'not saying' that she may struggle with the heat, hills, and pace.. he's got fucking eyeballs hasn't he, he's either stupid or selfish to believe that he may have to slow down his pace or make allowances for OP to be able to keep up with him comfortably so they can BOTH have a nice trip away.. not punish her for not being able to keep up with him.

Have you said that to him, that this is how he makes you feel?

No. That really came out of last night's conversation. I was expecting him to say he thinks I need to lose weight, then he just showered me with compliments about how I look and how he thinks I'm sexy and stuff. I kinda didn't know where to go with it then.