To be confused as to why our au pair was like this

[OrangeCrushes]

Our au pair just left after nearly a year with us.

We tried to be nice to her and include her in family events. I gave her very nice, personalised Christmas gifts. We made a special dinner on her birthday.

She didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts and never gave us so much as a card.

I know that she loves our daughter, and she has always been nice to our daughter.

Today she didn't even say goodbye to me when she left our home at the end of her contract - just sent a text.

AIBU to wonder why this is and to feel sad that our au pair apparently didn't like us?

You were a paycheque, not extended family.

You behaved like a family. Perhaps she's getting away from the constraints of family and anything behaving like a family was the last thing she wanted?
In other words, mismatch of needs and expectations. No-one did anything wrong or was unlikable. This is just a guess obviously.

I suppose maybe they were shy and had different expectations of the situation, but honestly I'd have found that rude and pretty unusual too.

You were an employer, nothing more. Rude of her not to say goodbye though.

She might just try to disconnect her feelings as it must be hard getting attached to children then leaving

At the beginning, we did discuss this being a "big sister" dynamic and a traditional au pair situation

Yes she was an employee , but one who lived in your house as part of your family.
Rude not to say thank you for a present and not to say goodbye.

Au pair was really the wrong job for her then! The idea is that you live as part of the family.

I don't imagine she actively disliked you, but it sounds like she had poor manners, and/or just wasn't sure how to relate to you?

Where was she from? This could just be a cultural issue.

You say she clearly loved your daughter. Above that you're just her employer. She doesn't have to think of you as friends or family.

She did her job well presumably and now she's moved on.

I guess if you felt friendship towards her I can see why it feels a bit sad she didn't reciprocate. But people have to seem friendly to their boss. It doesn't mean they want to be their friend. And that's OK.

The entire point of an actual au pair program - when it's not abused for cheap childcare labour - is that you are NOT an employer but a host family.

So, yes, this is very odd if you had the proper/traditional arrangement.

Looking after someone's child and living within a family unit is an "intimate" position. It's hardly a 9 to 5 desk job. In which case I would say that au pairing was quite the wrong job for her. I had several friends that au paired when they were young, and they all said they were treated as part of the family including going on holiday and sharing Christmas. They loved it and wouldn't have wanted it otherwise. In any event, who on earth doesn't thank someone for presents and who doesn't say goodbye when leaving such a position? She was rude, or weird.

Definitely seems odd. Did she get on well with both you and your husband?

Australia

We will never know without her side of the story. So many people are dicks and clearly oblivious to it. Not saying you are op, but presents and a birthday meal aren’t going to make up for some fundamental misunderstanding or poor work conditions.

Maybe it’s nothing personal and she just got bored or found something better?

Some people find goodbyes difficult. Perhaps it's that. Or maybe it didn't occur to her that you wanted to talk about her leaving. You say it was the end of her contract so you must have known she was leaving, did you talk about it with her? Offer to give her a lift to the airport,? Talk about her travel arrangements beforehand?

That’s a shame. I au paired in the US, Australia and NZ and loved the families I was with. Still speak to them almost 20 years later. Sounds like you did everything right though.

We were super clear about work conditions and honestly I think it was a very easy job. She didn't leave in anger or anything - it was a sort of natural time to go.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not warm enough or that it upset her when we once said that we regarded a certain food item (luxury hot chocolate) as being for special occasions, not every day.

I have kept in touch with all my past au pairs! They are all lovely.

I am still in contact with our au pair and my DC are all in their 30s now. Lovely woman, married with a family of her own, but still very much a family friend.

Maybe she just didn’t want to be part of the family? Shyness perhaps?

Maybe she has issues and problems in her life that you are unaware of .

In general host families are expected to treat as part of the family so birthday dinner and Christmas gifts would be the norm.

what were you expecting back from her? She’s presumably not got much money so can’t buy you expensive gifts.

This may be right. I think she probably binge eats in secret. She has a horrible father and is no contact with him. She's uncertain what to do with her life.

"They"? She! The op has said the au pair was female.