To be confused as to why our au pair was like this

[OrangeCrushes]

Our au pair just left after nearly a year with us.

We tried to be nice to her and include her in family events. I gave her very nice, personalised Christmas gifts. We made a special dinner on her birthday.

She didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts and never gave us so much as a card.

I know that she loves our daughter, and she has always been nice to our daughter.

Today she didn't even say goodbye to me when she left our home at the end of her contract - just sent a text.

AIBU to wonder why this is and to feel sad that our au pair apparently didn't like us?

Oh ffs I bet you wished you’d never mentioned the triggering hot chocolate now, op 😆

Hotel Chocolat??

Honestly, I'm sorry if that is what it is, but I strongly believe that I'm never unkind.

It's necessary sometimes to clearly articulate expectations and boundaries. No one chided her or said she had done something wrong. It was just like, we would like to clarify this thing that you would not have known.

However, if she's very sensitive and immature, I can see that this might have been difficult for her, especially living with us. I'm forming the view that she's very shy and socially awkward and just found things difficult. Hopefully she doesn't dislike us! We didn't dislike her, though my feelings were hurt a few times by her standoffishness.

Thanks to all for your thoughts

I must be honest , if I had been told that this was a very luxury hot chocolate, although I would have respected OP’s wishes, I would have been telling my friends about it.

I bought a stupidly expensive (to me, £16 for 5 sachets) hot chocolate in Venice. I’d be alarmed if anyone treated it as a free for all too.

If she is travelling overseas and taking on the serious responsibility of caring for children now would be a good time to get a grip on those feelings, maybe see it as just someone"s point of view rather than a personal attack? Being told by someone that they don"t want you to use too much of their personal items is a normal healthy adult boundary?

Good way to wrap up, now you deserve a nice relaxing cup of hot chocolate!

Don't mind the ones who try to argue OP. That is extremely rude and it sounds like she needs some life lessons in courtesy and manners. How old is she?

She will be on the plane now, munching on a chocolate bar, probably browsing Mumsnet.

Really? I consider hotel chocolat sachets quite expensive. If someone caned through my little jar of sachets I’d be annoyed! I limit myself to one a week over winter, otherwise it’s the tin of cadburys

I’m clearly a hot chocolate snob!

If I had an au pair I would just put my fancy hot chocolate somewhere else and put a tin of Cadbury’s Instant out for her.

Nope. One poster did say Australians are rude and weird. I’ve known some and they were not rude or weird. But maybe they’re the exception, although I doubt it.

We could berate an entire continent now?

If she worked 17 hours a week, you paid just above minimum wage. Do you think she should have paid you £800 a month for her room?
She can also do whatever she wanted in her free time, the west end shows etc. I don’t think you liked her and neither did your DH just from the way you talk about her. Especially remembering everything she did they you didn’t like!

She also got food and board. That was part of her (tax-free) salary. So it's not actually minimum wage. Plus she didn't have the hassle of organising bills etc.

The only reason this has come up is because people have suggested she was mistreated or exploited when in fact, it was a very good deal for her.

But she's gone now. As long as Dd is ok what is the problem?

Just unresolved feelings.

How did you find the au pair in the first place? Did you interview her over Zoom or anything before bringing her into your home?

I wonder if she was homesick the other side of the world from home, or never wanted to be an au pair but felt pressurised to travel, or didn't make friends here and felt lonely etc.

I know the hot chocolate sounds minimal but she was in your home on the agreement that it was including free food and board. Then she was told she wasn't allowed the expensive stuff - not brandy or champagne, but a mug of hot chocolate - maybe that made her feel unwelcome.

Years ago my class went to stay with families in Jersey. Another girl and I stayed with a family that told us what we could / couldn't eat. It felt unwelcoming, so one night we raided the kitchen and had a midnight feast in our room.

I can only guess about the au pair of course.

Wow, you were spectacularly rude. I was a foreign exchange student in someone's home and never would have dreamed of taking something I wasn't specifically invited to have. And I felt completely welcome.

Again, all I can say is that we asked her to be moderate with things that we ourselves considered treats. I wouldn't think of raiding my parents-in-laws' cupboards and taking their special chocolates even though they welcome me as family. Nor would my husband, because he respects his parents. Why should an au pair feel entitled to do this and aggrieved by a boundary?

We were extremely hungry! The woman was huge and must have had an eating disorder because what she allowed us to eat was ridiculously limited. Her kitchen was packed full of loads of stuff but we were only allowed a tiny amount of very few items. They were also extremely wealthy in the biggest house imaginable in the Jersey countryside. It was really weird actually. But we had such a laugh with our sneaking into her guarded kitchen and then having the midnight feast. Never done anything like that since and we were both usually so well behaved! 😂we couldn’t care how rude it was she shouldn’t have accepted two teen girls visiting if she wasn’t prepared to let us eat enough and btw she didn’t cook a single meal the whole time either.

Not saying you’re like that woman but you don’t sound particularly fun or welcoming as a host either really.

Did you read the OP? The girl was an employee not a guest. The OP wanted her to be a member of the family and invited her to eat with them which the girl didn't want. She bought her gifts and didn't get a thank you. The girl was well paid considering room and board and the few hours of work. I think you are being very unfair and mean.

So what else did you ask her to be moderate with? Not just the hot chocolate then?

Not your problem now she’s gone.

I didn't intend to be unfair or mean, but did you read OP's comment to me earlier? She wrote, Wow, you were spectacularly rude.

Also she hasn't mentioned asking the au pair how she felt, or saying about any time she chatted with her to ask if she was enjoying herself, was feeling well, or needed anything.

Maybe she viewed her strictly as an employee, who was getting plenty of money for the set up etc but actually the au pair was a young person from the other side of the world. Who knows if she'd been abroad before. Living abroad can be incredibly isolating and lonely, and despite a shared language I imagine Australia is really different in many ways. Did the au pair have any friends here? Maybe she came from a smaller town and was overwhelmed in London, or wasn't used to receiving gifts, who knows. How much did the OP know about the au pair before hiring her?

If someone stays in my house then they can help themselves to any food or drink they like. I would love my guests to enjoy my meals or whatever other food and drink they find here. If I had an expensive item I'd rather they didn't have (I haven't), say a special bottle of something I was given etc then I would hide it in our bedroom, I wouldn't leave it in the kitchen and ration it or say eg I know the agreement included food but that doesn't include this that or the other. I would feel a bit hurt if I were the guest if that happened, sort of excluded or that the family found me greedy or not worthy.

Loads of guesswork of course, but the OP did ask.

Sounds like it wasnt you then
Try not to dwell on it, if your daughter was happy and well cared for, just leave it at that.