To be confused as to why our au pair was like this

[OrangeCrushes]

Our au pair just left after nearly a year with us.

We tried to be nice to her and include her in family events. I gave her very nice, personalised Christmas gifts. We made a special dinner on her birthday.

She didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts and never gave us so much as a card.

I know that she loves our daughter, and she has always been nice to our daughter.

Today she didn't even say goodbye to me when she left our home at the end of her contract - just sent a text.

AIBU to wonder why this is and to feel sad that our au pair apparently didn't like us?

Bit of a generalisation. I think it’s weirder she’s Australian because culturally they’re far more similar to us than some so she actually is just mega rude, no hiding behind cultural differences.

Indeed, but you can"t not turn up to collect from school, that would be too big of a giveaway.

Was the thing about the hot chocolate about your DC not drinking it daily, or telling her she shouldn't?

If DC fine, but if you were telling her not to drink it then that's very controlling. I drink hot chocolate daily myself and would feel upset if someone told me not to (unless by a medical professional for medical reasons).

Depends who is paying for the hot chocolate? I suspect she was starving herself and getting by on chocolate drinks and small snacks.

My dd was an au pair, she would never have behaved like that. She’s still (lightly) in touch with her host family. That was rude of her, op - au pairs are meant to be a temporary member of the family. I’m sorry you’re questioning yourself, but this sounds like her issue, not yours x

I’m laughing at the people falling over themselves to find excuses for this extremely rude young woman. In which culture is it the norm to not thank you for a gift? In which culture is it the norm to slope off without saying goodbye at EXACTLY the time you know your employer is busy. In Mumsnet culture maybe, where we excuse every bad manner going. But no, wait, it must be your husband’s fault. The fact that he said she was a weirdo must mean he has somehow (we all know how) made her feel uncomfortable!

come on people, if any of you making excuses like this behave in the same way, you need to have a good look at yourselves.

The problem with what the UK visa thing has become is that people are doing anything to get the UK visa, they don"t necessarily care about the family and the children, they want into the UK with a place to stay, obviously the problem with going to a local agency is that you have to pay for properly vetted and supervised people, you won"t get them for the price of free digs in a back room.

Was the Christmas gift food based? That would tie in with the hot chocolate rationing as a trigger and maybe the reason she has skipped out?

I would think that she was odd too.

I think it is very sad that the au pair system is no longer available. I had an au pair as a child, and used au pairs for my children. It was usually a wonderful experience for everyone involved and we are still in touch with most of our au pairs (including one from my own childhood in the 1960s).

I've never had an au pair but from the families I know who have had them there can be a lot of variance. Most were great apparently and some became lifelong family friends. But there would be the occasional one who just didn't seem to want to be there however much effort the family made.

Sometimes it's because the person is unhappy and troubled. Sometimes it's just because the person isn't interested in the job, the family etc and makes no pretence or effort for the purpose of social niceties.

It's uncomfortable to feel that someone dislikes you. In everyday life you can let it pass but less easy when someone is sharing your home for a year.

Did you employer through an agency? Maybe ask the agency to ask her for some feedback, she might be a bit more forthcoming with them .

Maybe she had a plane to catch and needed to get off without delay.

Perhaps she intuitively knew that you didnt really like her and was glad to shake the dust from her feet!

How did you know she was binge eating and was the luxury hot chocolate (what even is that really 😂) being drank by her or the kids?

Seems like a perfect description to me. OP already said she’s on good terms with previous au pairs, so I’d just chalk this up to weirdoism.

What?! That’s quite a leap.

I’m guessing she’s not from the UK, considering she’s an au pair?

Customs outside the UK are very very different, it can take several years to learn what’s expected. Eg in many countries you wouldn’t think to get people Christmas cards or gifts, unless they are close family. Took me several years to figure out that people may want to exchange paper cards, as we went digital in the 2000s and don’t tend to exchange paper cards.

Secondly you have a seniority element. In many cultures it’s an unspoken custom that the more senior person, eg the employer, boss etc gives, it’s a one-way, not an exchange.

I’d say if she’s northern or Eastern European, this behaviour is fairly normal.

Also, if she’s a younger person and not from a global, affluent background, she may lack in confidence and knowledge of what’s expected in England. It takes quite a long time to learn.

Finishing school does have its benefits!

She's Australian so really not that different.

£800!! Where on earth are you?!

how much did you pay her? And were her working hours clearly defined or did they get blurred?

East London

This is already all set out ITT. The working hours were clearly defined.

No, expensive craft materials for her hobby.

She frequently refused meals with just my husband and me

If she had an eating disorder I understand this tbh. Did she make any friends at all or was she just alone all the time?

Where was she from? Maybe a cultural difference?