To be confused as to why our au pair was like this

[OrangeCrushes]

Our au pair just left after nearly a year with us.

We tried to be nice to her and include her in family events. I gave her very nice, personalised Christmas gifts. We made a special dinner on her birthday.

She didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts and never gave us so much as a card.

I know that she loves our daughter, and she has always been nice to our daughter.

Today she didn't even say goodbye to me when she left our home at the end of her contract - just sent a text.

AIBU to wonder why this is and to feel sad that our au pair apparently didn't like us?

What does your husband have to say about the au pair going without a goodbye? Has he given any indication that something was not quite right?

He thinks she's a weirdo. He thinks I have always been very nice.

Hmmmm. "Weirdo" is a strange choice of word.

Let's see what happens when/if you employ another au pair.

His feelings are hurt by her behaviour too 🤷‍♀️

He thinks she is very immature and maybe just dislikes us or sees us as totally unworthy of our attention.

My mother thinks that she's very shy and socially awkward

Surprised that question took so long TBH.

It sounds like you tried your best, and if she was unhappy with how she was treated, she could have said something. It's likely something to do with her upbringing or her own personal issues, as PP said. Try not to take it personally, especially if things were more normal with your other au pairs. It seems likely that this wasn't about you at all, but rather about her own personality or problems.

Sounds like the help wasn't sufficiently grateful...

That explains it.

Don’t dwell on it. Obviously she wanted something different from the setup. You don’t know how things were for her at home so therefore in what ways your family fell down by doing things differently. Au pairs are usually young so struggle with things being different to the house they grew up in. To be fair i’ve even had this with adult live in nannies who struggled to adjust to being in a family home where things work differently to how they might prefer.

My concern in general with au pairs is if they wanted to do childcare genuinely they’d be nannies and get paid more. Most au pairs are mainly after an adventure and free accomodation. No judgement. But does impact long term relations

Seemingly? My husband and I are both nonconfrontational and fairly mild mannered - though I will bring up any issues in a calm way rather than letting them fester.

My husband is very much not a creep, so I'm not worried that he was sleazy towards her or anything.

Why did you employ her if your DH thinks she's a 'weirdo'? I would not have a weirdo looking after my kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Obviously we didn't think this before she acted so weirdly.

Maybe it is exactly because you treated her like family. She might have found the thought of saying goodbye to you all too upsetting and thought this would be easier. I do hope she said a proper goodbye to your daughter.

Is there some stereotype of Australian unfriendliness that I'm not aware of? My Australian friends have had normal social instincts...?

I did not enjoy being an au pair. It felt quite exploitative. How much were you paying her? If she was only getting pocket money, then being told not to drink hot chocolate probably did piss her off. It would have done me.

You say you treated her like a member of the family…did she have a self-contained space or was she sharing the house with you? These situations aren’t always comfortable and there will almost certainly have been times where it felt like a strain for her, even with the loveliest of families. Were there other things she wasn’t allowed to do? Did she have a curfew?

Fair enough. I just wondered if your DH always thought she was a weirdo or just from this lack of goodbye incident.

I guess if she's got a problematic family life of her own she might not be used to a normal family life and it was either too painful to be part of your family or she just didn't get it and thought you the weird ones 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😂

I personally would find it rude that she didn't say goodbye. The gift situation may be because noone has bought her gifts before so she didn't know how to react. Some people just see their jobs as jobs and nothing more, even those that work with children.

What happened on the day that she left without saying goodbye? Were you at home all day? Who left the house first? Did she just slip out very quietly?

That's very upsetting OP. My friend had an au pair leave with zero notice, she did say goodbye but literally friend came home from work to find her with her bags packed and she left an hour later, causing a childcare crisis for a single mother. She was sweet but kind of vulnerable and very naive. Never had a boyfriend or many friends. She had met a guy a few weeks earlier and they were dating and friend said she talked about it like she was 14, although she was mid 20s, showing her texts and giggling etc. Her BF asked her to move in with her and she said OK then and ran home to pack. Clueless and immature and didn't give anyone another thought

id say whatever the reasons that was still rude behaviour on the au pair part

How old is she?

Was this her first job?

As someone who au paired in France when I was 18 and was treated as anything BUT a member of the family while being expected to look after 4 children, clean and cook for just pocket money, you sound like the sort of bosses I would have loved!

Definitely rude and a bit weird to have left like that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Er... there was a nanny/au pair on here a while back who posted a thread asking whether people considered a hot chocolate a treat, because she didn't, but her employers did and had told her not to give it to the kids she looked after every day.

I'm wondering if your au pair happened to be a Mumsnet user...

EDIT: Oh wait, no - it was the other way round in that thread. The nanny thought it was a treat, the employer didn't. Weird coincidence that there's this much hot chocolate conflict in the world of childcare, though.

She got free room and board, plus at least minimum wage (sometimes more because my daughter spends EOW and Wednesday with her father, but we agreed a flat wage per week), a pension. She didn't have to work mornings ever. She only had to babysit in the evening once or twice over a year.

Also, she had a huge double bedroom with a TV, her own fridge and microwave, and a kettle. No one went in her space other than the cleaner that we paid for, and she had primary use of the newest bathroom in the house.

Sometimes we asked her to feed the cats etc in our absence, but this type of household contribution was made clear at the outset.

Edit: for context, we will be renting her room for about £800 a month going forward.

Edit: no, there weren't any special rules for her.