To be confused as to why our au pair was like this

[OrangeCrushes]

Our au pair just left after nearly a year with us.

We tried to be nice to her and include her in family events. I gave her very nice, personalised Christmas gifts. We made a special dinner on her birthday.

She didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts and never gave us so much as a card.

I know that she loves our daughter, and she has always been nice to our daughter.

Today she didn't even say goodbye to me when she left our home at the end of her contract - just sent a text.

AIBU to wonder why this is and to feel sad that our au pair apparently didn't like us?

I digress, but why would you have an au pair from a country where they have English as a first language? Isn’t the objective for them to learn English?

Australia seems an odd place to get an au pair from…

She sounds like she has extreme social anxiety (I have a relative who has and they also come across as rude and lacking in manners). They aren’t nasty but it’s difficult to warm to them.

Maybe she thought working with children would be better than working in an office, but hadn’t bargained for the amount of adult interactions she would need to make.

Unfortunately since Brexit there are very few countries you can come from to the UK as an au pair...

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Saying thank you when she got a gift, yes, expected and reasonable. But outside the UK in general cards aren´t a thing. Just a money making ruse for Hallmark and the rest.
Oh and the hot chocolate is drunk daily by many people, nothing luxurious about it. Bear in mind lots don´t drink tea.

Don't want to label or diagnose, is there a chance the Au pair could have autism? Her behaviour sounds very like my sister in law who is very good with young children and really seems to enjoy their company ( she works in a nursery).However she is not good at social cues and if you didn't know her she can come across as rude. For instance she can't lie, not even the little white lies that oil social situations,so when you ask her if she liked/enjoyed something,and she didn't, you would get a blunt 'No'.

If everyone thought like that ten MN would kinda cease to exist!

That was a list of potential responses. Just one of them would have sufficed!

Surely every family has expensive treat items that they don't eat every day, and it's acceptable to ask everyone in the household to consume them with care? Why should an au pair make a daily treat of something that we ration for ourselves?

Being able to (barely) afford an au pair doesn't mean we have limitless resources 🙄

Nice gesture, rude not to say thanks definitely, there are cultures where it is rude to thank people for gifts I believe but not in Oz.

She sounds lovely. And I'm not ironic. Wish more people could be honest like this.

It doesn"t, I was joking. Are you Australian?

Why do you think she likely has a secret ED? Because she likes hot chocolate?

I feel like I've missed something here...

She never ate meals with them.

@OrangeCrushes That hot chocolate must be something very special. Hot chocolate in our house is for anyone who wants it. What brand is it?

No, the hot chocolate has nothing to do with it.

She would eat family meals with us, with my daughter present. She always ate very daintily around us.

Edit: she's very overweight and we have seen evidence of lots of food wrappers etc. (Just noted incidentally- We aren't into violating others' privacy.)

I have only mentioned the possible ED here as an example of personal struggles she may have and I'm not sure why people are focusing so much on this

EDITED: I don't want to get into lots of detail. It's not Cadburys or something. You'll have to take my word for it that it's a luxury item.

It sounds like she has poor social skills and you’ve mentioned a few things she might be struggling with. I wouldn’t overthink it too much. It sounds like you tried your best.

There’s a guy I work with who never says anything to anyone. He is freelance and only comes in occasionally. I assume he has poor social skills but see him tapping away on his phone, presumably texting somebody. Have no idea why he doesn’t say even a hello or a goodbye.

She doesn"t sound suitable for the job, what if she tripped and fell on one of the children? Local agency might have more genuinely motivated (not motivated by visa) people.

Don't take it personally. Endings can bring up a lot of feelings for people, and many avoid goodbyes if they can.
She clearly hasn't had the best start in life so just wish her well.

By the way, I don't think this was about the hot chocolate, but I wouldn't be surprised if given what you've described (edit: about her) she found it very shaming. It's not easy making yourself feel at home in someone else's home, and your comment would have swiftly reminded her she wasn't one of you. Not because you were guzzling it and saying she couldn't, but because she clearly didn't know the rules. I would have let her finish it and replaced it with a cheaper one!

Maybe he is depressed, presumably he is not being paid to spend hours every day with young children as their main carer/socialiser?

She is getting a free room in London that sounds well equipped and would have normally cost her 800 quid a month, why can"t she pop along the high street and buy her own hot chocolate? The home owner told her there was a boundary on how much expensive hot chocolate you can scoop up, Ahh diddums! Not a boundary on my behaviour! Only in this Woke World that we are now thankfully leaving behind would that cause a MH crisis!

As I think would most people. The very special hot chocolate could have been put away somewhere so only OP knew where it was. OP has already admitted she may come across as ‘not warm’ so someone with extreme social anxiety could easily have felt a shame and embarrassment that someone else might have brushed off.

It’s not like people generally know a hot chocolate is ever so special.

You’re right, he isn’t. I know it’s not the same. I just meant that some people don’t communicate well - for whatever reason - and you most likely won’t get an answer as to why they don’t.

I used to feel great shame at getting ‘told off’ right from a very young age to even just a few year’s ago. If it’s not something you’ve ever suffered from you probably won’t understand.