To be confused as to why our au pair was like this

[OrangeCrushes]

Our au pair just left after nearly a year with us.

We tried to be nice to her and include her in family events. I gave her very nice, personalised Christmas gifts. We made a special dinner on her birthday.

She didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts and never gave us so much as a card.

I know that she loves our daughter, and she has always been nice to our daughter.

Today she didn't even say goodbye to me when she left our home at the end of her contract - just sent a text.

AIBU to wonder why this is and to feel sad that our au pair apparently didn't like us?

No. Her previous au pair family did say that she had no initiative (true) and kept herself to herself. She has also worked in fast food restaurants etc.

I was at home but had an immovable commitment from 10am-12pm that I told her about. She left around 11:45 😅

Yikes, that sounds like a bad situation

I'd be sad too and would send her a nice sorry to see you go message and say it would be helpful to have any comments or feedback on her stay (good or bad) in case you decide to employ another au pair,

Even back in the 80"s or 90"s being shoehorned into a family to look after their kids for probably not much actual cash money would have been awkward and claustrophobic? For the generation now, phone and headphones attached to their face all day, 3D vision helmets with surround sound so you can listen to a teenage "influencer" with their face rammed full of botox all day probably coming next, being forced into close proximity with strangers must be hell! The numbers wanting to care for other people"s kids must surely be quite low now?

This is a good idea!

Maybe she was really busy that morning and lost track of time and did not notice that your commitment was about to start until it was too late. You could have gone to find her at 9:50am to say goodbye.

She may have felt very upset at saying goodbye to the children, and to protect her feelings and theirs, chose to slip away.

But not acknowledging or reciprocating Christmas gifts and whatever the treat food thing was weren't new issues. All she's done on top of that is leave at the end of her contract without saying goodbye face to face...?

I know a lot of young people who feel awkward about leaving their job and any sort of confrontation provokes huge anxiety. Awkwardness for some people is debilitating.

More likely she had a personal drama or had found another job and is more invested in her own feelings.

Well it’s obvious why she left like that, you’re literally spilling the ins & outs of her personal life on the inernet.

Yes, it became apparent over the course of the year that she was behaving in a way we found odd.

Seems to be more prevalent in recent years for some reason, what is she going to do if one of the children starts choking in front of her, have an anxiety attack?

I think it's a bit odd that the OP thought it was fine to employ her for almost a year and only now that she left at the end of her contract without saying goodbye, suddenly it's all 'she's weird', 'she's shy and socially awkward', 'she dislikes us and sees us as unworthy of her attention' and she never gave us so much as a Christmas card and probably has a binge eating disorder?

This is an anonymous message board. No one here knows who she is and she has no clue that I am posting about her.

Odd in what way?

No, I have felt badly about it the whole time. Not sure where I said I didn't?

I think I've been pretty clear about this 🙄

But not enough to terminate her employment? Now suddenly you're saying that you employed a 'weirdo' who disliked you and had an eating disorder to look after your children for nearly a year.

Obviously none of us can really say but from bitter experience I would say that some people who use au pairs are looking for cheap childcare/cleaner/cook/shopper all rolled into one. It is actually quite astonishing how badly some people will treat what they consider to be "paid" staff even if they don't pay them that well. Ask yourself did I treat her as I would wish to be treated? If the answer is YES then it'll just cultural or maybe she's difficult/misunderstood etc.

People have issues. Her likely eating disorder and her coldness (?) towards my husband and I doesn't have any bearing on her reliability or her treatment of my daughter, which was the most important thing.

I have been clear ITT that I thought we treated her well and fairly, and why.

Regardless, if you’re comfortable speaking to strangers about it then it says everything.

She is rude and ungrateful person. YABU as you can’t judge everyone by your own standards. it took me a long time to learn that and it was hard for me to understand when people didn’t behave as I expected them to. Or as I wanted them to. Or I would have. Different standards.

I’m surprised you have put up with it for long l. There must have been other signs.