To be confused as to why our au pair was like this

[OrangeCrushes]

Our au pair just left after nearly a year with us.

We tried to be nice to her and include her in family events. I gave her very nice, personalised Christmas gifts. We made a special dinner on her birthday.

She didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gifts and never gave us so much as a card.

I know that she loves our daughter, and she has always been nice to our daughter.

Today she didn't even say goodbye to me when she left our home at the end of her contract - just sent a text.

AIBU to wonder why this is and to feel sad that our au pair apparently didn't like us?

I don't think it does but ok

I was thinking this. This is going back some years but at school a friend of mine had au pairs and they were always Eastern European. They slept in the spare bedroom and I imagined were paid in housing and food rather than a set salary. They had limited English, would do a few light jobs around the house but were young and inexperienced, couldn’t cook for example so friend and I had to make our own food. Guessing this has changed since Brexit.

Yes, it's FAR more expensive now. We followed the new rules to the letter and didn't try to cheap out.

I can honestly say I wouldn't let someone whom I thought disliked me live in my house on a 'family' basis to look after my young child. I don't think that's unduly cautious.

And I certainly wouldn't want someone with an obvious eating disorder around a young girl.

@OrangeCrushes Personally I don't understand why an Australian aupair would go to the UK? I always thought of aupairing as perfecting language skills.

Anyway, I honestly don't think that you should take any of her behaviour personally. It seems like she's got mh problems (binge eating, being lonely) and she probably is very insecure and find social interaction with adults difficult why your husband finds her weird. Maybe autistic? The main thing is she did a good job caring for your daughter and she was attached to her. But obviously you are looking for a person who wants to be part of the family which she might not know how to be if she has a sad upbringing. So just put it down to a young person with mh struggles. Doesn't excuse her from being rude but might explain it if she was never taught manners and she's having problems with social interactions.

Idk if she dislikes me. She isn't surly or anything.

In the likely event she has an ED, she's quite discreet about it.

I didn"t read the whole thread.

The UK government has shut down the au pair program so now the only options are people with Youth Mobility visas. There are some people from Asian countries, but the majority of available au pairs are from Canada or Australia now.

It's super sad. I loved our European au pairs and enjoyed the element of cultural exchange.

Had to make your own food? Did you have to wake the carer up to give her a sandwich as well? That sounds like just taking the piss for free digs.

Yes, but there are probably local teenagers who could do the same or better job?

We employed an Australian nanny (so different arrangement from OP) who we initially thought would be a great fit for our family but after a couple of months we realised she was quite cold emotionally and although competent and reliable didn't give our DC the care they needed. We sadly had to let her go. I put it down to cultural differences. She was well qualified and interviewed well but the issue became clear only after she started work.

Lol. Where would I find this?

Edit: annoying Mumsnet glitch

I feel that you haven't looked for wraparound care in long time.

Omg I just remembered the nanny in Motherland!

Maybe she is just homesick and cant wait to get back to Oz.

And how many hours of work did she do?

About 17 per week

No leaving present no goodbye

Then fair enough, from what you've said she does sound a bit odd and given that you say she has an eating disorder, she probably has all kinds of things going on inside that have very little to do with you. If you treated her well and she left without saying goodbye then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

It's certainly a bit hurtful that she left without saying goodbye, but who knows what's going on in her life - she could be very unhappy if she has an ED and she's a long way from home. If you've always been kind and friendly towards her, I'd just assume it's her own personal issues and not dwell on it.

They are weird people who have the strangest behaviours and ideas so I wouldn’t worry. A lot of very rude behaviour which they think is acceptable too

I think that whatever personal problems this young woman might have, or whatever might be 'going on in her life', she was extremely rude both in the way she left and in her reluctance to be part of family life.

So many people seem to get themselves into roles which they fail to understand. Yes, being au pair (it means 'on an equal footing') in a family means being part of that family and joining in with meals and activities when invited, and you clearly tried to involve her.

I think the kindest thing you can say is that a) she didn't understand the role and b) she had the wrong type of personality for it.

I would NEVER have wanted to be an au pair - I was very shy and socially awkward when I was young and would have hated every minute...but some people seem to go for it regardless..

Did someone from the family drive her to the airport/her new home? If not, that’s likely why she was annoyed (if she was actually annoyed). Even if you had a meeting, I would have thought that she’s expect an offer of driving her to her next home or the airport so that you could be back in time for your meeting.

I used to be an au pair abroad and while at times I felt conscious I was the hired help, I would never have behaved like that. I've also worked as a mother's help and nanny and it really isn't the type of work where you just see a pay check. Or shouldn't be..

https://www.childcare.co.uk/

Or you could put an ad in the local paper/Facebook group?

Ha. She used to sit in her room a lot to be honest but she’d collect my friend from school and her parents worked long hours so were satisfied she wasn’t completely alone in the house I think.