AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Tell her to fuck off.

Sorry, that's not very helpful. But it's how I feel. How dare she do this to you, Eat what you want, when you want. I hope that you've a ready supply of G&Bs chocolate. Eat Pizza. I find that full-fat coke is pretty good when you're feeling low.

My daughter, 17 has ADHD and eats mostly crap because she can't face doing recipes and stuff. I really wish she would eat more healthy but it's her choice. I had a friend that tried to have a go at me about it and I no longer have contact with that person. I think your friend is well out of order and she needs to go. Bloody hell, after what you've been through I think you need to put your needs first.

She is completely out of order. Chemotherapy is hard enough and the only thing you need to hear is support.

I would not throw out a friend immediately but tell her how what she said made you feel and take it from there.

@Dogingarden you did the right thing. If my friend with cancer asked me at 3am to go get her a Big Mac with large fries and a shake I would be in the car getting her exactly what she asked for. I’m sorry your “friend” didn’t respect you or listen

how did the conversation asking her to leave go?

Eat what you want when you want. When you're feeling a bit better you can go back to your previous diet. You now need calories and not to be worrying. Chocolate will always have your back😊. Sorry about your friend but you need support not criticism to help you through this time and what you have to go. Best of luck OP x

Sorry you're going through this shit OP. I had the exact same thing 2 years ago and my best friend brought me a big huge box of profiteroles, I nearly cried.

Chemo is fucking rough ❤️

YANBU
When my son was having chemo, he went days without wanting to eat, or had very strong preferences of things he could stomach (think huge jars of olives and anything super spicy!) I got endless criticism from my MIL and SIL saying that I should be giving him XYZ “superfood” and all sorts of nonsense. I’ll never forget one evening when my dear dad was there when they were ‘advising me’ to not buy DS the pizza he was craving - he took me to one side, gave me a £20 note and stated - ‘get him the pizza’. I never felt more loved by dad than just then.
Eat what you want to, OP - keep yourself fed however you can, keep yourself strong, and be kind to yourself - including keeping yourself away from negative people. It’s a long brutal road you’re on otherwise!
Wishing you all the best x

OP, I am extremely sorry that you are going through this horrible experience.

There are some people who are absolute diet evangelists, and cannot stop themselves. My mother, who was borderline anorexic all her life, was one of those. It was painful to her when I'd put on weight, and she could not resist advising me on how I should eat. Towards the end of her life when she had dementia and had no filter, she often stared with horror at my stomach and lectured me on losing weight! She had been treated by a naturopath when we were kids as she had had a heart condition since her teens. She lost a ton of weight and reduced her blood pressure dramatically through diet, but ate very little and from then onwards was obsessional. Your friend may be in the same category, or just mildly obsessed with diet as many people are these days.

Some commentators are saying that it would be "silly" for you to ask your friend to leave, but I don't think that it's unreasonable, though it's worth having a conversation about it if you feel up to it. You could tell her that you find her criticisms of what you are eating very upsetting and ask her to refrain and see how she deals with it. She might be very apologetic, but if she pushes back, I think that you could just ask her to leave as you don't have the energy for any conflict at the moment and need it for your recovery. I think that in your position I would prefer to be sitting with my dog in the garden and not to have to entertain a guest! It's great that you have a dog; they are typically very sensitive and know when their owner needs comfort. Good luck, OP.

the friend has gone!

Well yes it was insensitive of her considering what you have been through.

I not only had no appetite while going through chemo, most foods actually made me feel sick. I lived on frozen coke and maccas chips as that was all I could stomach. My oncologist told me he didn't give a crap what I ate, as long as I ate something. Eating something is better than nothing. Of course healthy food is a better choice, but nobody needs to be lectured about that when you are fighting for your life.

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time.
I want to give you a hug, a slice of my best cake and some champagne. And your “friend” can do one.
Sending love, strength and the ability to not give a stuff what people say about your food choices.

I suspect your friend meant well but was terribly rude and insensitive in her direct opinionated manner. I would tell her exactly how her words and tone made your feel and how given your treatment you have been advised to eat whatever your feel like whenever you have am appetite, and like many people you had a carb craving, which is common when not 100%
If she is a good friend normally I would give her time to.apologisr before you ask her to leave. She will have more food for thought if you explain the impact her words had on you, rather than just getting angry and upset with her.

I suspect she is not a good friend and did not "mean well" oh and PS RTFT

It's a bit much asking a person sick from chemo to be the bigger person and show empathy, though, isn't it? You might not appreciate how ill it makes you, not to underscore the emotion of having the disease. Empathy really needs to come from friends. And in this case I think the friend should be mortified at being so over-bearing and should return with a mea culpa chocolate cake.

Tbh, this is more her problem than yours. It sounds like she’s obsessional about food. I knew someone like this once. The extent to which she was horrified by other people eating unhealthy food was way out of proportion, and verging on mental illness/obsessional thinking imo. She probably thinks that your diet caused the cancer. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I wasn't suggesting OP needs to be empathetic only that it doesn't seem like her opinionated friend actually understands the impact her comments have had, given that she ignored what the OP said she had been advised by a medically quality consultant. Sometimes people need to be called out directly.

I don't understand your post script? What part are you suggesting I didn't read?

The OP kicked her out DAYS ago

your friend sounds like she may have an ED or at least some disordered eating and feelings around food. Not that that is your problem nor am I defending her as such, but her thought processes sound very messed up.
I lost a ridiculous amount of weight on chemo and the mouth ulcers were some other level of hell. I hope you feel better soon OP. ❤️

Hooe you are managing to eat a bit more @Dogingarden 💕

If you think telling someone mid chemo who weighs 7 stone, that what they’ve just eaten will make their cancer worse is “having their best interests at heart” then fuck me, I’m glad I don’t know you.