AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

I wasn’t giving advice, or trying to influence OP’s eating habits. At no point did I give OP or anyone else any ‘advice’ as to how to eat, beyond agreeing that calorie intake is the most important thing now. I was posting an opinion, based on my own experience. If anything my posts were aimed a posters who were advocating that diet doesn’t matter and isn’t a cure for cancer. Well of course it bloody isn’t, that wasn’t what I was saying. At all.

A poster mentioned a BBC podcast on the importance of a healthy diet after a cancer diagnosis, and the fact that oncologists were being encouraged to be clearer about what this means long term. That gelled with what I had been advised - that ongoing research suggests that long term, a diet high in saturated fats and processed foods can produce enzymes which not only encourage existing tumour cells to divide faster, but also interfere with cancer treatments.

My own cancer has a high incidence of return and I was advised that long term, a healthy diet, combined with the drugs that keep it at bay, are factors in delaying that for as long as possible. This is a public forum, and I imparted that information thinking it might be useful, but as usual, reading comprehension is crap and I got a pile on for posting against the herd mentality.

You need to step away now.

Yep. I certainly do. Unwatching as we speak.

You think mid chemo is a time someone can cope with all that? A true friend would be guided by the person who is unwell and not making themselves a main character. How exhausting they would be.
The type of 'friend' you describe would walk all over someone's wishes, make everything harder in a VERY tough time. That's not friendship..That's controlling behaviour

This one's for you @Dogingarden
Took my kids with me to a med appt this afternoon and out for a treat after.
Also mentioned the "solidarity milkshake" plan to my GP who said he'd get one after work as well. We're sending you good vibes from Canada. You are not alone. 🩷🩷🩷

Well done asking her to leave OP.

Me too. I’m allergic to benzoates. Spinach tomatoes all fruit with pips or stones. ALL the healthy stuff.

this thread really made me want to eat pizza so I got one out of the freezer. It wasn’t a “healthy” one either. It was a pizza express pepperoni.

I don't very often say this but please @Dogingardenand the others, kindly stfu. You are making me, and no doubt others, feel like shit - like the OP's friend did.
I had chemo today. My mouth is hanging with sores. All I've eaten is two ice lollies, an ice cream and some malteasers. It's all I can manage and due to nausea all I can face. I would love to be eating fruit but the acidity in all of it is too painful. For the next 4 days this will
be my diet as anything else makes me vomit.
Please think about what you are posting as chemo hits everyone differently and great if you can eat uber healthy mumsnet salads. Not everyone can. When I start to feel better my diet returns to normal which is pretty healthy!

Think you mean @ThreadGuardDog but yup, I absolutely agree.

I'm really sorry you're also going through this hell and wish you well. 💐💐💐 Not sure if you'd be able to face them but I found YFOOD drinks recently and they're something I've found I can sip and they don't make me 🤢🤢🤢

My mouth is full of ulcers too atm and it's just absolutely awful isn't it? Also been getting absolutely awful air hunger caused by anxiety and it's just absolutely miserable.

I had porridge with a lot of sugar for lunch today because it was all I could face.

sorry @Dogingardenchemo brain is real! I can't stomach anything milky at the moment as I found out when I made a banana and peanut butter milkshake after chemo 1 and it didn't last long!! They have given me a mouthwash today and it managed to ease it for about an hour which was great. So sore even my teeth hurt. The panic is so real and horrible. I am now a complete insomniac as my brain goes in to overdrive at night. Nothing I have tried has worked. I do drink a protein shake with water and blended fruit every day after the first couple of days but use a straw to get it to the back of my mouth!
It's just so hard. Sending you positivity

Oh poor you . I found ginger to be good sometimes just ginger poeder in hot water with or without suger or gingin seeets. Extra strong mints are good for that nasty taste too. Just eat what you want / can manage op. Cold chocolate milk shake? Coke? Pizza and chips if you fancy. Nice soup? Just to get some energy back. You can eat healthy later.

If you're able to stomach Yfood you might also be able to try Huel - they are similar consistencies but it could give you more flavour options if you're feeling up to trying them.

Your friend is batshit. I was in hospital last week and I’m about the same size as you before you had cancer (5’9’’, 9 stone). Several doctors commented on the fact that I was already thin and must try very hard not to lose any weight. If I lost two stone I’d be skeletally thin (BMI below 15), and that’s where you are now. I can’t believe that your friend wouldn’t be desperately trying to feed you up with anything you can manage. Good that you asked her to leave. I hope there are lots more pizzas and chocolate on the way and that you feel better soon.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all. What she said was incredibly insensitive, especially when you've already been told by your consultant to eat whatever you can manage. Treatment is hard enough without someone making you feel guilty for finally having an appetite. Even if she genuinely believes she's giving good advice, this wasn't the time or the place for it. I'd probably ask her to leave too, not to punish her, but because you need support and kindness right now, not criticism. I hope you're able to enjoy whatever food appeals to you and focus on getting your strength back.

The problem is as soon as you start bringing diet into things it starts down the road to lots of unscientific nonsense. Also do these people not think that when a person is diagnosed cancer they often go through a period of self blame. I know I I did. I drank too much at university, I took the pill, I haven’t managed stress very well and on and on.

Eventually you come to a sort of acceptance that it’s just unfortunate and random.
….and then there are the diet people. It’s best just not to go there. People dealing with cancer and treatment, and after treatment, just don’t need it.

she brought you mint tea? Mint tea can make reflux and heartburn worse, last thing you need now with how your poor digestive tract is suffering. Well done for moving her on.

Anyone who has clue …not the people in the trenches…but the unkind chorus would know that salad is a food we are warned to be cautious about

Take care 💐💐💐🌅

Nope, what OP needs is to put weight on as she is 7 stone.

If the friend was genuinely coming from a place of love, she would have listened to what OP said, shut the fuck up and let her enjoy her pizza.

But the friend kept whanging on so is coming from a place of (deeply insecure) judgement, NOT love.

The friend is coming from a place of supreme arrogance rather than love. Anyone who thinks she has OPs best interest at heart should think about how they would feel if their child was very ill and underweight. Would you be insisting they could only have salad or would you be really pleased they could manage some pizza and chips.

Totally agree with this. As I said upthread I've had a few comments over the years from supposedly well meaning people telling me I'm skinny. I'm absolutely not and never have been. It's a thinly veiled insult

Sending love and solidarity to everyone going through this nightmare. I am well out the other side but I remember all the challenges and am sure i always will.

Eat what you want when you can. Avoid ill informed judgemental twats.

Don't worry about how you get through this period, just get through it.

I hope you enjoyed every bite OP. I think its ok if you ask her to leave but maybe challenge her first and ask her to take it back and apologise, if she refuses then you'll know her true colours. Some people are so tactless around sick people, give her a chance to remedy it. I agree she was absolutely out of order. You don't want to lose a friend over something that can be resolved when you need friends right now. Of course you only need friends that benefit you not those that put you down, but have a think and don't do anything rash.

Edited, sorry hadn't seen the update. Well done OP for getting rid of her

Best advice. 🩷

At 7 stone something and 5 foot 9 you can eat whatever the fuck you want. Cancer or no cancer.

Actually… at any weight you can eat whatever you want!!!

well done for setting a boundary.