AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Definitely. After everything you've just been through, any friend should have your back. Not criticise.

Given that 1 in 2 people get cancer, it'll probably be her one day and she'll eat (or not) her words.

YANBU It’s your home and she is being terribly insensitive, criticising you and your consultants advice on something she doesn’t know anything about.

I think you’re kinder than I am… she’d be out on her ear tonight if it were me! Cheeky cow.

really hope that you get well soon. And there’s a bar of Green and Blacks waiting for you when you get the all clear ☺️

Very insensitive and you need to put yourself first. She needs to leave in the morning and you need some pamper time. Clearly not had any experience of cancer. Very thoughtless woman.

Wow, this is extraordinarily rude of your friend. I think given what you’ve been through you’re justified. You need peace in your life. I hope she apologises.

What an awful thing for her to say to you. Even without the cancer, it would be a very rude thing to say to someone but given your health issues and how important it is that you eat what you’re able to when you’re able to, it absolutely beggars belief. No real friend would behave like that.

What a smug cowbag!

Cancer doesn’t just decide to attack those with a penchant for a cheeky pizza!
People like that really upset me!
I have endo and over the years I have had a few people mention about processed food. I have since lost 7 stone and eat very little processed food but the endo is still just as horrendous.

I would have a word with her in the morning and tell her how she has made you feel x

You're showing great restraint not kicking her out now nevermind in the morning. That is not a friend. True friends don't speak like that over what you eat but especially given your diagnosis and treatment. She is truly awful. I'm sorry you're going through cancer treatment. Wishing you all the best. Listen to your consultant, listen to your body's needs and listen to your instinct and kick this nasty non friend out asap. Life is too short.

YANBU to feel upset by this and ask her to leave

She might think she's being helpful as I know people who preach about food this way but often they don't even practice what they preach. The main point is they you've explained you need to eat what you can / want and what you don't need is someone in your house judging you.

Tell her in the morning you think she should leave as you have a lot on and you feel self conscious being judged by what you eat and how you live your life.

Yanbu in the slightest. You need whatever calories you can get and whatever you fancy is good. And your consultant agrees. She's being completely ridiculous when she should be supportive as your friend.

She said it would make the cancer worse? One bloody pizza?? What a complete and utter bag of dicks. I hate her.

Yanbu, and she's wrong, but she is probably only saying this because she cares for you

She's trying to care and look after your interests but going about it in totally the wrong way. I would suggest rather than booting her out, sit her down and explain fully the situation. I mean as your friend she she kinda know anyway, but leave no stone unturned - she can't argue with that.

Surely she is just being caring???

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through this

Your consultant knows better than this know it all gob shite. I’d tell her to go.

Your consultant is right - you need to get calories in as you can.

I think your friend is trying to be helpful as in an ideal world I guess a healthy diet would make you stronger all around - but you are not in an ideal worldd situation . Aldi I do think she is wrong as I don’t think processed foods will make cancer worse.

she is obviously someone who is pretty big on healthy eating . She doesn’t have cancer and doesn’t appreciate how awful you feel and that having what you fancy is the best way forwards for now to get some strength and weight back on.

maybe try having a chat with her tomorrow - tell her you are following your consultants advice and although you appreciate her concern re. your food intake it really isn’t a matter for further discussion.

if she can take this on board then hopefully you can spend the rest of the days of her visit happily together . If she insists on contradicting you and your consultant and is not up for listening and stopping making unwanted comments then probably best she goes home.

Friends like that who needs enemies! Firstly congrats on completing your chemo, I cant imagine how hard things have must have been! And secondly your consultant knows best so dont take it to heart what your 'friend' has said to you, keep your head up and focus on recovery x

Nope!!!

🤣

Not unreasonable at all, and sadly I can well believe it. When my friend was going through cancer treatment, the number of people who felt it was their place to preach about diet or alternative therapies was quite astonishing - she had terminal cancer ffs and holding off a can of Coke or some shit white bread wasn’t going to change her prognosis

That's a terrible thing to say.
This doesn't excuse it, but I think people want to feel like their health and lifestyle choices can protect them (and you by extension, I suppose).
How, after all, will her super healthy choices prevent her from getting cancer if it's ok for you to eat a pizza? And if she really thinks that healthy eating protects against cancer she may want you to be careful too.

I have cancer and my neighbour saw me buying chocolate in the supermarket and started banging on about sugar feeding cancer. I understand why you’re furious, I wanted to throttle my neighbour.

Unfortunately we had something similar with a family member with cancer - some family members massively turned into the carb/sugar police and were adamant she needed to 'eat clean' and that the foods she fancied were 'feeding the cancer' and other such alarming things - whereas me and others were very much of the view that calories in were what was needed most and she should eat whatever she fancied - more importantly I felt it was important she was treated like an adult with a right to her own opinions and decisions and not patronized and controlled by well meaning relatives.

Taking a less cynical line I do think they were well meaning rather than actively being mean or hurtful, in our case they genuinely do believe in healthy eating and lacked the understanding that while in some cases eating well can reduce your risk of cancer, once you already have it it's much more important to keep up your strength for treatment and maintain your weight or at least minimize loss and if that means eating some foods that would be considered less healthy that can actually be the very best thing for you at that time. My relatives were also genuinely really upset and anxious about the cancer diagnosis of their loved one and I think focusing on food and diet can give an illusion of control and a way of taking positive action (but obviously only with the agreement of the actual patient).

So yes your friend was absolutely out of order and I'm not excusing her, but charitably I would try and see it as misplaced rather than malicious. You don't have to have a huge falling out necessarily if that would stress you out but maybe take a step back during your treatment?

How dare she

First of all I’m sorry about your illness and I wish you all the best. I’m also sorry that she’s left you feeling so bad - that's not on.

I’m going against the grain here but, unfortunately, she’s right. There has been extensive publicity and, for example, a long segment on radio 4 last week (she possibly heard it) saying that oncologists are giving erroneous and harmful advice saying they diet doesn’t matter and to eat what you fancy. However what you eat does make a huge difference and can dramatically improve survival rates, and tolerance of treatment. There is a big push to try and get oncologists (and all the professionals on the treatment team) to be brave and tell patients what they don’t want to hear - that their diet does matter.

she shouldn’t have delivered the message so bluntly (if at all), however, and I’m sorry. She obviously cares about you. I wouldn’t ask her to leave but I would tell her very clearly how she has made you feel.