AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Honestly the op is having a crap time and it is absolutely fine to eat whatever they fancy. Now is not the time for preaching on healthy eating. Enjoy every morsel of whatever you want!

Fucking hell OP. Mint tea (water) instead of calories. Leave her behind when you are over the chemo. Best thing I’ve learned from cancer: if it’s not right it’s not worth it a minute of your life.

You really don't have to justify yourself, OP.
You've made it really clear, several times, that you hadn't eaten for days and have had a rough week due to chemo.

You're not the devil for eating something you feel you can actually eat and keep down.

People can be incredibly preachy about food on here but it's shocking to aim it a an underweight woman battling cancer.

With a friend like that you need no enemies.

WTF is wrong with her?

I'm really sorry you've had to deal with such shockingly insensitive behaviour from someone you thought was a friend but I am glad you asked her to leave.

I hope you have other more supportive friends you can call on to help you whilst you're going through chemo.

I didn’t say she was obese, and I haven’t given ‘sanctimonious salad advice’. And I wasn’t at any stage talking about general diet lowering cancer risk except to say that obesity presents a higher risk factor for some cancers. My posts were based on advice I received during my own cancer treatment, and addressing the research that shows a healthy diet is an important factor in long term outcomes. And I did caveat with the fact that having been through similar treatment myself I understand the challenges OP is facing, and that at this stage calories are the most important thing.

It wasn’t an essay and it wasn’t a lecture. It was simply a point of view based on my own experience and advice from my oncologist and dietitian during treatment. And if you read back through my posts I have caveated everything I’ve said with the fact that having been through similar myself l realise that at this stage calories are what matter.

A lot of posters appear to be telling OP it doesn’t matter what she eats because ‘food doesn’t cure cancer, medicine does’ as one poster put it. It’s important to point out that although that is true, some foods high in certain substances can and do increase the risk of return and actively interfere with cancer treatment. That was my only point, but as usual on MN posters would rather criticise than actually understand what others are trying to say.

Why should I know better. Of course people need to eat, and of course it’s none of anyone’s business what they eat. Where did I say it was ?

Show me where, in any of my posts I said that OP was obese. My points about obesity and cancer were general and not aimed at anyone, least of all OP.

Very wise words. Yes, in theory a healthy diet is best, but getting food down you that you like as you recover is important. Surely enjoying some treat food can have a very positive benefit. If I had to live on a very strict healthy diet I’d be miserable as hell.

There are ways of going about supporting someone in cancer recovery and lecturing someone about what they’ve eaten on one day is not a good one.

Processed meat is a known contributor to stomach cancer, not breast cancer.
Even so, it's not someone else's place to tell you what to eat. If you were drunk and trying to drink more alcohol and weren't in your right mind then a good friend would step in.
I don't think a pizza and Green & Blacks stupor is a thing.
Whatever you decide to do, make it clear that you don't appreciate her commenting on your food choices.
Hope you recover soon. You can always eat healthier later once you put weight back on but of course that's up to you. In the meantime, go pizza and G & B!

OP where did I say you had a long term bad diet ? Is reading comprehension so bad on MN now that general comments are interpreted as personally meant ? Because from the replies I’ve had from some posters it would certainly seem so. There also seems to be some confusion as to whether I and a couple of other posters were trying to insinuate that diet or certain foods could cure or prevent cancer, which is not the case. Throughout my posts I hope I was clear that I was referring to the role of diet in treatment and recovery after a cancer diagnosis.

It’s not, and never was my intention to upset you or anyone else here, or to criticise and I apologise if it’s come across that way - it was never intended. I’ve been where you are and I’ve agreed several times that in your position I would go for whatever I fancied and could keep down.

My main comments were aimed at the longer term, they were based on an oncologists’ advice and imparted with the best of intentions. A poster upthread mentioned a radio 4 programme which stressed the need for oncologists to be clearer about diet as a contributing factor in cancer treatment and recovery. It seemed to gel with the advice I had from my own cancer team. My own advice on going through treatment was that more and more research is supporting the fact that in the long term a diet low in saturated fats and ultra processed foods is linked to more favourable outcomes and less likely to produce enzymes which interfere with some treatments - especially in cases where a cancer has a high incidence of return, as in my own. That does not in any way take away from the fact that at this point in your treatment calorie intake is the main challenge, and nowhere in my posts have I said anything to contradict that.

I’m stepping back from this thread now. I wish you the very best in your treatment and hope you’re feeling much better as soon as is humanly possible, given what you’re going through.

She is spreading misinformation that actually could kill somebody. That is not caring. At best its just ignorant.

Not sure whether that’s referring to me, but if so, then I actually had a cancer diagnosis two years ago and have been through similar treatment to that of OP. So yes, I do know what OP is going through from experience, and no I am not lecturing about what they ate in one day. My comments were based on the advice from my own oncologist and as I said repeatedly, were in the context of longer term, not at a time when calorie intake was the prime challenge. Hope that clarifies.

Good on you, OP. Get the calories in Have you seen a dietitian? They'd be recommending little & often, energy dense - so, higher/full fat options (butter, cream cheese, houmous, avocado) & high protein, to mitigate muscle loss. If you're feeling nauseous choose dry foods, things that don't have strong aromas or flavours, cheese on crackers, sandwiches, your smoothies/milkshakes are a great option.
Your 'friend' hasn't got a fucking clue, but being clueless is one thing (although clueless doesn't = harmless), it doesn't even sound like she has your wellbeing at heart.

Ahhhh... ok. ✅
There used to be a banana ice cream in a specialty ice cream shop I just remembered about. 🤔

Hope you're having a better day. 🩷

But why bring it up on this thread. It is completely irrelevant to OP's recovery.

Your friend is an idiot OP. I wouldn't want to have anything more to do with her.

Just today the i newspaper has this article about Dr Ezekiel J Emanuel, an American oncologist who says that ice cream is good for you.
OP, have a look, then forward it to your ‘friend’.

www.pressreader.com/uk/the-i-paper/20260630/282647514247592?srsltid=AfmBOoqO2o-J_W_j4F8E5GP5Fq8Cv4Il1U98G9lu4v-QmrT6yXsmILUS

We understood you perfectly. You acknowledge calories are what matters most right now so everything else you wrote was unnecessary when OP is asking for some support because an insensitive friend was doing exactly what you did which is offering unsolicited advice about what's best for her because they "mean well". Rather than criticise others reading comprehension you might like to work on your self awareness.

OP has an oncologist who I am sure will give her the best advice for her own situation.

Today seems like a good day to have a solidarity milkshake...🤔😋😁
amirite?

Challenge extended from across the pond.
🇨🇦

Post a pic or it didn't happen. 😜

If I were to post what I really think of this reply I’d be deleted. If you and other posters are determined to take what i posted in bad faith, that’s on you. The reading comprehension on this thread has been appalling. Myself and other posters who have posted from personal experience have been ripped to shreds and I have been variously accused of calling OP obese, and spreading misinformation that diet can cure cancer - none of which I have said. I have plenty of self awareness thanks and was trying to impart knowledge gained from personal experience. Unfortunately once again on MN it falls on deaf ears because posters would rather find something to twist the knife than try to understand those with a different point of view. I have apologised to OP for any misunderstanding and you’ll be pleased to know I won’t be posting further.

I think there are two separate points here that can both be true.

Nutrition matters, and if someone with cancer can eat a varied, nourishing diet alongside proper treatment, that’s a good thing. But during cancer treatment the immediate priority is often simply getting enough calories and protein to stay strong, avoid weight loss, and tolerate treatment. Sometimes that means eating whatever the person can face, even if it isn’t what anyone would normally describe as an ideal diet. In your case OP you've clearly been struggling to eat enough so it's brilliant you've been able to manage pizza, milkshakes, etc. Worrying about nutrition beyond calories for you can wait.

I also think there’s a psychological thing that happens around serious illness. When people see someone else get cancer, or experience something frightening and unfair, some people protect themselves by thinking: “That wouldn’t happen to me because I eat better / live better / would make different choices.” It’s a form of just-world thinking or defensive attribution. It makes the observer feel safer, but it can come across as blaming the person who is ill.

So while advice about nutrition can be well meant, it needs to be offered very carefully, and ideally only if asked for. A person going through cancer treatment doesn’t need to feel they caused it, failed to prevent it, or are now failing to recover because they are eating the “wrong” things. So I think your friend was thinking much more about herself, and in a very judgemental way, than trying to be helpful and kind to you.

OP, I think you were understandably hurt. Your friend may have been speaking from anxiety or misplaced concern rather than cruelty, but that doesn’t mean you had to sit there and absorb it. At this stage, support means kindness, practical help, and respecting what you can actually manage. Your "friend" was selfish to try to give you the advice she did, and did she actually throw your milkshake in the bin??? That's not on and you definitely did the right thing by throwing her in the bin instead.

Just because you have had cancer it doesn't mean you are some sort of expert who can give dietary advice or any advice. And unless it is advice on how to increase appetite/gain weight when undergoing chemo seems irrelevant.

Your friend sounds like she has an eating disorder tbh.

You're well rid of her.

Good luck with the rest of your treatment op, I hope you feel better soon.