AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

Gosh when I read your description of how hard it is for you to eat I really cannot fathom people fixated on the quality of the food you are eating. And as someone who likes green tea (not because of health benefits) I cannot understand why she would not give you your milkshake. I mean WTF. And blaming how you feel on the pizza. It's just cruel.

I hope you feel a little better having stood up for yourself. Take care of yourself!

its not "going to be" it already is and has been for some time.

It’s sad to lose someone you thought was a friend, but I think she was too self-absorbed to be a good friend. I can’t be doing with these know-it-all types who think they have the right to criticise others. So lacking in self awareness.

Sending a hug, OP. Do what you need to do and get through this. X

Well done for asking her to leave. You really don't need that sort of attitude around you.

Exactly when you are going through cancer you need people who are just going to be unchallenging company. I didn’t want false reassurance but did like to be with people who would just talk about everyday stuff going on in their own lives. Something that made me laugh was a bonus. That is what a real friend does. They do not interfere in any way in your treatment/diet because generally they have absolutely no understanding of the drugs you will be taking and their effects. That is for one’s doctor. A good friend would recognise that.

Jesus, that is really shitty of her, especially when she knows you need to add calories. Just hand over the freaking protein and calcium packed milkshake for crying out loud. I’m glad you kicked her out. Nobody needs that when they’re trying to heal.

It's so true and while falling out with someone is the last thing OP needs right now, tolerating this idiot in her home is worse.

Gosh my memories are flooding back now. Most people were great! They offered support, lifts, dropped meals off, didn't mention my bald head at all or told me I was rocking it.

Then of course the aforementioned 'friend' who was food shaming me telling me I really needed to 'start' running as she had read a magazine article (it's hilarious in hindsight) from a woman in menopause who started jogging and 'felt wonderful'. It was so so so tone deaf. I had been running races consistently for years (she hadn't ever run herself by the way) up to my treatment starting and tried to keep it up for the first few weeks but was too ill. I was in an abrupt menopause, not a natural one. I could barely put my shoes on and was trying to get out for a 30 minutes slow coach walk every day just for fresh air in my lungs.

I truly believe that traumatic times like this shine a light on who is truly in your corner and who isn't.

In this situation, OP just needs to get any food into her

i work in oncology and during active treatment, the concern is ensuring food is getting eaten. In some cancers and treatment we advise no green veg whilst active treatment is taking place

you need to go away with your patronising sanctimony disguised as concern

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and that on top of everything else you have to deal with this idiot . My blood boiled when you said she brought you a green tea instead of your banana milkshake ! Argh.

well done on asking her to leave. All my best wishes for your treatment (I’ve had a parent go through chemo, it was brutal and he lost so much weight…).

yup, someone who listens to one radio program and is an expert.

Itis in the ops best interests ro ear. As she has explained including to her insensitive guest. Hth.

it occurs to me that my late husbands specialist AND dietician mandated diet would have given her conniption fits.
Basically it was eat what you like BUT
nothing fibrous, not even twice cooked carbs
as many calories as possible.

He couldn't keep the high fat options down so was told to eat as much sugary food as possible

Some foods/supplements which are considered “healthy” can be contra-indicated when taking certain drugs and with certain treatments. Everyone should just leave it to the oncologists.

I'm glad you've asked your 'friend' to leave. The stress of her judgment and controlling actions would not be doing your health or appetite any good! Whatever her intentions, the impact of her words and actions remains the same, at the very least, unhelpful, and quite possibly detrimental.

Of course you'd take your oncologist's advice over hers - he's had both the training and the experience with people going through what you're going through - without her, from the sounds of it, very self centred, lens.

I hope so much you keep improving in your health. Anything you fancy at this point, that you can get down, and hopefully keep down, is what you need to be eating!

It's OK, I'm already aware that my comment was worded wrongly and have learned from the advice and comments of others on this thread as to what I did wrongly and how to avoid causing upset and offence in future.

Good riddance.

I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Completely agree. I’m ‘that’ patient, running with stage 4 lung cancer, ate healthily all my life. Poor diet can increase risk, sure, but it’s not the only factor. And by the time you get to chemo, the diet takes a back seat. Getting enough calories to continue with the treatment is what counts above all, as per expert advice.

I hate the ‘fighting it’ narrative - I’m just the battlefield, the drugs are doing the fighting. All the more distasteful to me now. I’m running because it feels good to look at the sea with my dog in the morning with a runner’s high, because it makes me feel good and I want to squeeze as much feeling good in as I can. It’s not going to change the result though, that is out of my hands.

OP, I’m so glad to see you put your foot down. Am currently existing on rice pudding and fruit, as most of what I used to enjoy tastes rotten and aggravates my constant indigestion so much it causes me to vomit bile in the early hours. We do not need such sanctimonious negativity in our lives! It may be upsetting now, but the relief will soon kick in.
Solidarity to you x

Bought I'm afraid!

I got them from Tesco and they're surprisingly nice! Think they're called YFOOD, bright yellow bottle near the milkshakes.

I'm glad that your friend left. She can go and preach to someone else.

At at time like this you want friends who give every bit of support that you need and ask for. It was downright cruel to bring you green tea when you'd asked for something else that was available. She has her own ideology at heart, not your best interests, Yes, to a healthy diet long term, but you need to address the issues that are facing you at the moment, and that is building up your strength and eating whatever you can to do that - as your doctor advised.

A friend of mine has a neurological disease. Although I normally eat low carb (because that's what suits my body and digestion) when I spent a week looking after my friend I got detailed information about the diet SHE was following, and cooked her choice of food. I ate the same meals with her as it was important to her to feel less like an invalid being fed a special diet. When there's little else you can do to help someone it was a joy to do this one small thing for her.

I too don't understand why the "friend" gave the OP green tea when she'd been specifically asked for a milkshake! I can see why she was taken aback by that.
The OP needs nutrient-dense foods that will help to build up her strength. A milkshake is a great way to do that, as it's easy to eat and you can add extra stuff to increase the calories and protein.

Delighted you got rid of her.
Absolutely infuriated on your behalf.
The cheek of her.
She is no friend.
I really wish you the best.

I don’t think people realise that some foods aren’t recommended as well at times
I don’t have cancer but when my neutrophils are dire, I have to stay away from salad, raw fruit and veg, no raw milk, nothing fermented like kimchi
so what people think is “healthy” I can’t actually eat

She was no friend op, she sounds horrid especially after the milk shake saga.
You need to keep your strength up at the moment and eat whatever you can manage, if pizza makes you feel better then go for it. Taking advice from someone who obviously has weight issues herself is a bad idea.
I would not speak to her again as it doesn't sound like she has your best interests at heart.

The thing is, the right or wrongness of her advice doesn’t matter.

Timing and tone is everything. She had neither. It wasn’t the time or place to make that call or have that conversation.

Experience tells me telling her how she made you feel probably won’t land either.

And here comes another one. You know so much but don't even know the term oncologist. I am 28 years into my 'cancer journey', kept alive by the NHS. I am very familiar with medical advice, not crap off t'internet from yet another dodgy 'M.D.' flogging some super costly supplement..The specialists advise re diet but when you are that ill and shedding weight they just want you to ingest any decent sustenance.