AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

Id be upfront and honest, say your not attending due to cost and child care but if they do a meal type thing you'd be more than happy to go (only if you would) i had 3 hen nights, 1 with my friends, night clubbing (family could of came but declined including my DS) 1 with exh family and few work friends, meal in local chain and 1 with my family and some friends, meal and a event ( my mum and his mum didn't get on)
This wedding im not having one but will stay over at hotel night before with my 2 adult children and my mum and if my DS,DSil nieces or anyone wants to join us their welcome

I would be in two minds about this . . .

My first thought was that, yes, it's a lot of money and could cause difficulties with care for your child

Then my second thought was that you've got plenty of time to save and it would be good for you to have a break, would give you something to look forward to and it wouldn't hurt your partner to care for their DC for 5 days

So I think it really boils down to do you really want to go or not?

My sister didn’t come to my hen party for similar reasons. It stung a tiny bit at the time but afterwards I was actually glad… turns out my different groups of friends did not get along! And she’d have felt awkward anyway.

I got over pretty quickly and yours will too so long as you’re honest and apologetic.

Although the cost of mine was £110 (Airbnb) and a train down + costs. So not as much money.

Fuck that. Just tell her the truth. I also think the Ibiza trip is massively underestimated cost wise assuming the group will want to go to events : beach clubs etc

I'd be brief - sorry I can't make it, have a great time all of you. If your sister decides to discuss it with you then explain that you simply can't afford it. I don't think you need to bring your childcare into things at all. It's an insane amount of money to expect anyone to spend.

Just tell her the truth.

You're not responsible for managing her histrionics, she's a grown woman who should understand.

Do you WANT to go. If it is financiably do-able and your partner can get time off work and you want to go, then accept the invitation. If you don't actually want to go then decline it, and as it's her second marriage she can hardly chuck her toys out the pram. Personally, I think it's bloody crazy that a hen do is costing 1.5k, absolutely ludicrous and I think I would decline out of principal. Whats wrong with a night out local, thats what I did.....albeit it was in 1998!

I would definitely be happy to attend a meal or something similar that is a one-evening only event. I will broach this idea for anyone unable to attend a 5 day trip :) plus it might be nice for her to be able to have two celebrations then?

If they gave you a hard time for leaving early because of your child at her previous wedding , they don't really sound like reasonable people.

So, you do what you need to do and that's put your family, that would be your daughter and partner, first. Spending a couple thousand £££s you don't have to throw away is just stupid in this economy. Your child is severely disabled and won't cope well with your absence and your partner would have to take time off. And this waste of time, energy, and money is for her second wedding.

It's not doable for you. Your sister and whoever else gets mad are being unreasonable and they don't live your life. Maybe they want you to prove they come first, but they don't and that's an irrational expectation.

Oh to live in a world whereby I have a spare £125 a month to spend on myself and enough annual leave for an extra week not to matter... 🧞‍♂️

Nobody should be guilted into spending that much money (or even less) on someone’s hen party or expect their DH to take annual leave.

Say no, DH can’t take leave and you don’t have the money to spend.

I agree with this.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, and in my experience most people who do an abroad hen like this will also do something at home, a dinner/drinks, for everyone as it’s expected some can’t do a holiday!

Neither of my children are disabled and my husband would be more than happy for me to go but I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them for 5 days to go abroad and nobody has ever minded me missing those ones, I’ve also never been the only person not going!

Hmmm I dont know

Would you like to go?
I am a big believer in maintaining a sense of self and not sacrificing yourself on the altar of motherhood.

The break could do you good - burn out is real.

Also your DH looking after their own child for 5 days is imo a good thing. A. For their relationship and b. To remind your dh of all the things you do on the daily.

If you rather spend the money on something else then fair enough

I understand completely and I wouldn't go and wouldn't get worried about it either. You do not want to go and that would apply whether you had the funds/childcare or not as (rightly or wrongly) I see the relationship you have with sister as a bit fractious due to her digs at you at the previous wedding.

Second wedding you say? Did you go to the first hens? Then say you'll take her out to dinner or something yourself to mark this occasion but you won't be going to the hens. There'll be plenty of people accompanying her to Ibiza, and truth be told, I have a feeling that many of them are not looking forward to the expense and hassle of it either and more than you will back out eventually.

It’s a lot of money I wouldn’t go there are always extras too.
If people plan holidays abroad and expensive hen dos then they can’t be surprised if people can’t go. Especially second time around.

This, and especially Ibiza. It is crazy expensive there so if £1500 is the cost of the holiday you could bank on it being at least another £1500 in spending money, especially if they were planning on a day at Ocean Bean, Ibiza Rocks etc.

You have time to save for the destination party and as a couple of PPs said you deserve a break so if possible I’d try to make it work.

5 days in Ibiza is a very big ask imo! Unless you really want to go and take some time for yourself. But if not I'd spend the time/ money on a different holiday.

YANBU. Of course people shouldn’t throw a strop if others can’t spend that much on their hen do! And I imagine it will end up being more than that tbh.

I agree with PPs that yes, your partner should be fine spending 5 days taking care of your child. But for me that wouldn’t be the main issue, I’d be more bothered by the 5 days of annual leave that then can’t be used at other times, like Christmas or a family holiday.

Outrageous amount of money, even without your childcare responsibilities. She surely can’t expect people to spend that??

Could you go for two nights?

It would be nice if you could but also understandable if you couldn’t. It’s ridiculously over the top, and as I am assuming she is middle aged and most of her friends will have some kind of caring responsibilities

A 5 day hen do in Ibiza will not be a restful break from childcare. It will be prescribed events and forced fun and you'll be doing what other people want to do for five days instead of pleasing yourself. That's the opposite of a break.

Oooh so I came on here thinking I'd say 'dig deep, it's your sister' but yikes - 5 days and so much money.

I've been MoH a couple of times and each time there have been people who couldn't make it and we've done like a 2 step thing for those who couldn't make the destination. Ie: most recent one we flew back then went directly for a lovely lavish lunch with some of the oldies (aunties etc) and some who were breastfeeding or whatnot and couldn't make it. Maybe you could work with the MoH to do something similar for your sis?

Or an alternative is could you make it to Ibiza just for one night? That would cut both costs and time away.

I'd say in any case work with MoH to find a solution and put it t your sister as something decided. She'll be emotional about it, people always are about weddings.

I think it's fine not to go in the circumstances. If your sister was that bothered about you being there, she knows your circumstances, and could have arrange something that you could do.