AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

£1500 and the cost of your dh’s annual leave. No chance.

im not 18, and not into clubbing much. Ibiza would not be my idea of fun and at that cost no way.

if you want an excuse jsut use dh’s annual leave.

I'd be embarrassed to ask other people to spend £1.5k on my special occasion. It's a ludicrous amount.

I've been to a few full weekend hen dos and 40ths. They've cost no more than £500 including spends and - crucially - the bride or birthday girl has expected and accepted that not everyone will be able to afford it, or want to spend the time away from their families, etc, and has usually planned a local meal out as well so that other friends and family can be included.

I did attend her hen weekend the first time round, although the cost wasn't as much as this time. I do think £1500 is a lot of money to spend visiting a place I wouldn't choose to go myself so a big part of it is the cost and also the loss of income for my partner taking the time off work (he is self employed - roofer)

I wouldn't be able to find childcare elsewhere due to my childs complex medical and SEN needs.

It’s not unreasonable to say you can’t go if you genuinely can’t afford it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your DH to take some time off work to spend with your DC though.

If my sister could afford it, and her husband could take time off with their child, then I would be upset she was choosing not to attend. But if it’s not affordable for you then it’s not a choice, so YANBU.

So it’s actually costing you, as a family, much more than £1,500 if your partner is self employed. I wouldn’t want to use that much paid leave on this, let alone unpaid!

Just tell her next time have a simple hen do and you'll go to that one..

If you don’t have the money then you don’t have the money. Short of calling you a liar or asking you to put it on credit there’s not much she can come back on you for that. Can you say that you plan to prioritise the wedding and that just doesn’t leave enough to pay for the hen do as well. But you’d love to celebrate with her another way, meal out etc.

A five day hen in Ibiza makes sense when you and your friends are all young/pre children, and don't have many responsibilities. I don't think it's a reasonable ask once people have commitments. Normally I'd say to make the effort for a sibling but honestly if she knows you've got a child with complex needs, if she really wanted you there she could have thought of something more accessible. I wouldn't make as big a deal about the finances as that will come across as 'could if I really wanted to but I don't want to go' I would just smile and say that nearly week long childfree trips just aren't a thing when you've got a disabled child, but you'd love to do something more local with her.

That would be my holiday budget hijacked for a holiday I didn't want.

I've found that a lot of people nowadays have a huge amount of disposable income, but don't understand that it's not true for everyone.
Where is the wedding? - £700 for travel and accommodation is a lot.

When people book destination hen/stag parties and weddings, they should factor in that not everyone will be able to afford to go. That's the reality of life. We all have different family/work commitments and finances.

Unfortunately, some people think people should attend regardless if they can afford it or not...they become selfish and self-absorbed.

Be honest with your sister, we can't afford to attend the wedding and me attend the hen week. Therefore I've had to make the decision not to attend the hen week in Ibiza but I'd happy to attend an evening out locally.

Ibiza is expensive, and I'd imagine any budget, will be wildly underestimated!!

What is wrong with a meal in pizza express in your local town, then a few pubs, nightclub.

I would imagine still a lot for some people.

I think the idea to tell her that you cant make it because the cost of the event plus the cost of your s/employed DH taking 5 days off work means it is not workable for your family.

Financially, you’d like to prioritise the actual wedding which you are looking forward to.

I’d then say you’d love to take her out for a celebratory meal when she is back.

What is being asked of you is ludicrous IMHO.

Social media.

She’s very entitled to expect you to spend that money on her hen party. You won’t be the only one declining (and then costs could go up). Decline and don’t feel guilty.

YANBU at all. I think it's a bit ridic for her to be having a £1500 hen do for a second marriage as well as the wedding expense for everyone. You're going to the wedding, that's the main bit and more than enough of an outlay for a family. The hen holiday is extravagant and there should be no pressure on anyone to go who doesn't have the time and money and inclination to blow on such things.

There are certainly people with a lot of disposable income.

And many people with a lot of outstanding credit.

Just be straight from the off. Sorry it’s too much and too long. You guys have fun we can have a night out to celebrate locally.
You won’t be the only one who can’t/ won’t want to go

Fuck off, £1500 for a bloody hen do?! I’m not against a hen do abroad or weekend away or whatever but that’s absolutely taking the piss. YANBU, don’t feel you need to even apologise, anyone with half a brain cell would be able to see £1500 on a hen weekend is bound to be financially exclusionary for some!

It's perfectly reasonable to decline any hen/stag/wedding that will cost the guests hundreds of pounds imo. I think it's proper CF territory but seems to be normal these days :/

Quite.

DD went on one last year - one of her closest old friends. It was 4 days in Ibiza - and they were all made to share the cost of the bride attending between them. So the flight/accomodation was around £1000 as the MOH had booked a villa with a pool. Only what none of them realised was that the villa was so far out of the resort centre that they had to use taxis 2 or 3 times a day, and adding on food/drink and going into a club/boat trip she ended up spending nearly £1000 on top. She was absolutely furious as she was mid renovation on her house with her fiance at the time and said she could have carpeted their living room with that £2k. She's since refused any other invites if they are abroad as the spending can quickly spiral out of control.

YANBU at all to say no, especially if it's a second marriage. Tell her to get a grip.

Yanbu at all.

It’s a huge ask from anyone to take all that time and spend all that money for a hen do. That’s before you even get to the complications of a disabled child. Just say no and if she gets in a huff then let her - it’s her who would be unreasonable.

there aren’t many people that can afford to drop £1500 and 5 days of annual leave on a hen. It’s unreasonable to expect everyone to come.
just say it’s too expensive. You don’t need to explain yourself any further. It’s a party invitation not a court summons.