AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

I think expecting everyone to spend £1500 on her hen party is completely unreasonable! - the invite should be caveated with "we appreciate this is a big cost so if anyone is unable to come, we understand". Also the impact to your husband for 5 days, is too much. Keep it simple, "sorry i wont be able to make it, but wishing you the best hen party".

If decline and say you cannot afford to attend. I'd not mention childcare because that will just remind her you left her previous wedding early due to DC. Keep it simple. I'm really sorry but there is no way I can afford to come but I hope you have a wonderful time and will be thinking of you. If she complains tell her you are prioritising her actual wedding as new outfits etc are expensive.

Not at all. If you’re having a destination hen/wedding you accept that some of the people you’d like to be there won’t be able to.

what this says 💯

YANBU.

Thank goodness I’m too old for all that palaver. I’m not married myself (been with DP for over 40 years, since my teens) but I’ve been to a few hen do’s over the years. It has all become very expensive in recent years, with someone else’s impending nuptials taking over weeks of other people’s lives. I appreciate that not everyone does this and also that there’s nothing wrong with a good excuse for a holiday if you can afford it, but there’s so much pressure on people, particularly family members, to take part. I can honestly say that, at no point in my life, could I ever have afforded £700 for a hen do, on top of all the other expenses associated with attending a wedding. I have stayed overnight in hotels for weddings, which was great fun, but that was usually because it was necessary due to the location. There does seem to be an expectation nowadays, in some instances, that people forgo all other holidays and occasions for the year with their families, to indulge the whims of a couple getting married. For me it’s like other people’s children. I only have limited interest. I prefer my own. So I wouldn’t be interested in other people’s idea of what my annual holiday should look like.

Regardless of personal circumstances, I think asking anyone to spend £1500 on a hen do is an absolute fucking cheek.

Most people if they really want to, can make savings here and there. If they don’t want to they won’t.

Honestly? Truthfully, not everyone can.

Whenever someone organises either a hen/stag do or wedding abroad, they have to accept some people won’t be able to attend. It’s their choice to do it abroad and that’s fine but they can’t complain if anyone struggles to afford it. Of course you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say you can’t attend, it’s a lot of money and stress.

Would you pay the £1500 for your sister to come on your hen since it's so important?

There is probably no one in the world I would spend that much for on a destination hen do in a place I wouldn't choose for myself with that long away from my child. YANBU.
Your sister would be VVVVVU to insist that you go, or to hold it against you if you choose not to.

Is it just me that thinks it's incredibly entitled to have your hen not only abroad, but somewhere known to cost a lot?
Unless you move in circles where everyone is incredibly wealthy or something.

As someone who can comfortably save several times the amount needed for this hen per month, I'm appalled that you're as tone def as to say that most people can. Most people have ZERO savings, if not debts.

"Other people's wankery" is an incredibly small line on my personal budget, and I don't save towards it, I use it at my discretion out of leftover regular fun money.

I agree with you and I find it outrageous that someone expects their friends and family to fork out the equivalent of a holiday in time and money, just to celebrate that they will be getting married soon. It's gone beyond a simple night out in town with your mates to a full-blown holiday where you have to do what other people want you to do. Why does anyone agree to it?! It's "come worship at the altar of ME because I am going to be a BRIDE". So what? People have been getting married for centuries, surely at no other time in history have the expectations (for guests) around a wedding been so ludicrously expensive?

Look at the demands OP's sis is making about where the guests will stay too. It's so self-centred and inconsiderate and I'd be so pissed off at the lengths I was "asked" to go to, for no good reason other than how it looks online, probably...

@DysmalRadiusthats exactly what I was thinking…

Also, maybe OP does need a break from caring for her disabled child….but does she want that break to be 5 days in Ibiza with her sister (who doesn’t sound great) and her sisters friends…? Most probably not.

OP, it’s a stupid amount of money, 5 days is far too long, childcare is difficult, your child would struggle, and your husband doesn’t have 5 days annual leave going spare.

I wouldn’t feel bad about saying no. But I bowed out of over the top hen do’s years ago now.

Maybe she doesn't want her child or her to go without just so an unreasonable, ungrateful woman won't bitch her out because she's not spending lots of money going to a 5 day party in Ibiza.

Why should she prioritize a completely unnecessary and irrelevant do over her child and her partner? Her life will go on the same without a costly party.

Have you not looked around you? People are tightening their belts, not spending wildly on frivolous bullshit. And yes, a hen party in Ibiza is bullshit for a first marriage, much less a second.

'Sorry this is over my budget - can we do something low key just us 2 near the wedding?'

This

if you want to smooth things offer to host an evening- maybe the night before the achual wedding and do drinks and canapés and make a fuss if her that way ? It shows willing

you need to get family support with your child maybe get a few of then to babysit more often so they know what you are dealing with and they csn babysit the night you host ?

That's a ridiculous amount of money to ask people to pay for a hen party, even more so when she's already expecting people to pay (and take time off) for her actual wedding. YANBU and she would be very selfish and entitled to get annoyed about anyone saying they can't make it.

I f you don't wanna go then don't go

Of course you should prioritise your child, they always come first, regardless of what anyone says to the contrary.
I’m not sure whether this is the right way to think about it, but I never feel it’s fair to expect the same level of effort and expense from people for a second wedding. I did feel a bit put out and begrudging when I was sent a very expensive wedding gift list and hen do invite for a friend after having spent a great deal on her first 6 years prior. I went along with it though and did enjoy the hen.
Hopefully you’ll find a way to celebrate her upcoming wedding with her in some way!

It's a second wedding. It's a lot of money. It will cause your family stress/difficulty. So, NO.

You probably wouldnt book an extortionate hen do that meant people needed £2k and 5 days AL... if you were considerate of your sister with SEN children and a self employed roofer husband (saying that as its seasonal work that is hugely impacted by weather ergo they wont be loaded...)

I‘m not that tone deaf, however I do know friends, family, family friend with not much income which if they came down to it (and have done) have found the money. I’m not saying everyone can afford it because not everyone can.

Well if you’d be devastated the your sister didn’t come to your hen do then you should be much more considerate of cost and time, especially 2nd time around.
The bride is a CF and very self centred.
Hen parties and weddings these days are so often absolutely ridiculous and then so many end in divorce. No doubt wanting serious social media attention.