AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

Tell her you'll come to the next one. 😂

Don’t offer an alternative hen-the likelihood is that your sister won’t appreciate it, and it will still cost you money! If she suggests a local hen, then that is different.

Insane amount. Fine to cancel for mine and childcare issues

Fucking hell people are ridiculous about weddings these days. From Manchester to Cornwall is a destination wedding abroad to all intents and purposes 🤣

From what they TELL ME!

It's crazy, really. I'd just go for cheaper accommodation. The bride is being unreasonable.

Just realised I misread the OP. I thought it was £700 for the hen do. But that’s just the wedding. £1500 for a here-we-go trip to Ibiza? Bloody hell😳

Even if op can save it doesn't mean it should be spent on her alone and not the whole family. If a woman came on here and said her dh was saving up for a week long stag next year, expected her to have a week off work so he could go, would need to save £1500 plus and he'd be the only one getting a holiday that year whilst she and the kid/kids didn't go anywhere, she'd probably be told to ltb.

Who are these people who don't feel or care about the relentless increase in cost of living? A hen do is an entirely optional, and completely unnecessary part of the whole wedding build up, that generally seems to have got so out of control in the UK. Getting married has just turned into a circus for many people, and lost all meaning and is no longer about the commitment to spend life with a chosen partner (and in sisters case, it's her second go at it anyway!).

It's bonkers that anyone would expect other people to take a week off work and spend at least £1500 for a hen do, especially in a COL crisis. And you sister sounds incredibly selfish. - she should understand you have enough on your plate with a disabled child.

Decline and be very clear it's about the total cost of all the things associated with her getting married, Hen do costs will almost certainly creep up as time goes by, then, add on the considerable loss of income for partner AND the cost of the wedding (which will also be more once you add on things like food for journey etc).

You probably can't avoid the drama as she sounds wrapped up in her own world, just ignore and focus on what is important to you - your husband and child and financial stability. If she strops or sulks or cuts you off, that's on her not you.

The very fact that you see it as a matter of prioritisation demonstrates that you don't actually know anyone who is significantly struggling.

Most people can't find an extra £125pm even if they prioritise.

I hope you find the information about people outside of your social circle useful.

I would absolutely be able to afford this and yet would 100% not go.....£1500 is absolutely ridiculous for a hen do (if you'd all decided to do an Ibiza holiday then fair enough, but for a hen do you're just expected to fork out for.....no way)!

I just don't think anyone with an ounce of decency could take umbridge at you saying no to this!

Yeah £1,500 is a lot of money to find just for a hen party. Remember that the £1,500 is at today's prices. You can be 99.99% certain that will have increased when the time comes. Even though I could afford £1,500 to go on a stag/hen do it's unlikely I would and that isn't even considering the childcare issues. Why should DH lose 5 days annual leave for this!
£700 for the actual event is bad enough. Personally, I would tell DSis that the accommodation is too expensive and find an cheaper alternative. If DSis kicks off, tough, save the £700 too and don't bother going. Anyone that thinks your children should not be a priority is not worth a second thought. Is there anything you could say to avoid drama? Only if you're dealing with a reasonable person.

I agree. I genuinely think that some people are in such a bubble that the idea of what is affordable or not, gets distorted.

Totally agree. Trouble is, her sister doesn’t have that ounce of decency!

This is a crazy amount of money to spend on a hen party OP, unless everyone has loads of disposable income. My whole wedding cost £1500, yes it was 30 years ago but it was a fantastic day! The hen was a night out meal, drinks, club and taxi home. No one was pressured into spending more than they could afford and everyone enjoyed it.

£1500 is more than our family holiday over Easter for 2 adults, 2 dc and a dog. I could not imagine spending that much money per person on a trip to Ibiza.

Perfectly reasonable to decline, to be honest whilst it would look better if your child's needs coming first, even if you had no children I would suggest saying no.

Do it now over a year in advance.

I think such expensive hen and indeed stag dos should be about as socially unacceptable as picking your nose in public.

Anyone who arranges a wedding/hen celebration that is going to leave guests seriously out of pocket must surely expect some people to be unable/unwilling to attend.

I do wish people would go back to the days of salmon and cucumber sandwiches in the village hall, and maybe a bowl of punch! 😁

I love an abroad hen but 5 days and £1.5k is ludicrous

no one needs an excuse to decline that

I’d be mortified as a bride if I knew my hens asked people to do that

It is infuriating when people plan extortionate in cost/travel/ length of time away- hens while wrongly assuming everyone would love the chance to get away/a holiday. It is really only a holiday for the bride to be. Hens on the whole can often be an awkward mix of women often with many not knowing each other previously, some personalities you clash with/wouldn't get on with in usual circumstances but are then all forced together eating/sleeping/being with almost 24/7 all to constantly celebrate one person. It is draining and for a lot of people, anxiety inducing. To then be expected to fork out over £1k for this "privilege" is ridiculous.

No you're not unreasonable.

I say that without even reading the post. Everyone who thinks the world owes them a week-long celebration for their life events is a twat. Everyone else has a life too, you know, and you are not the main character in it.

Yep that sounds like the case unfortunately!

Your DC, not your sister, is your priority. Don't go, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

I wouldn't go to any hen do costing that much. It's ridiculous.

The arrogance of expecting friends and family to pay a fortune for a second wedding hen do.