AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

Of course she chose the all inclusive where x amount of people have to stay there. 🙄

I think if someone is going to be devastated that their sister can't attend then they should plan a hen do that the sister can attend. 5 days abroad costing £1500 plus the loss of 5 days income for her partner (so potentially effectively doubling the cost) isn't reasonable.

@Tairneanachdoes your sister/family live in Cornwall? Or is she being ridiculous in making family and friends spend £100s on travel and accommodation?

I would simply tell your sister that you’re really sorry but you can’t afford £1500. It is simple and factual.

Totally agree, that's some serious main character syndrome right there. If you want people to be able to come don't make it so difficult and expensive

Frankly I think someone who expects others to spend £1500 and 5 days of annual leave on making them the centre of attention is a special kind of selfish self-absorbed fuckwit.

Only been on 1 hen do that required travel. Train.
The majority of the women took coke on the train. Unbeknown to me and my mate. Lost them in a bar when a man fighting has his eyeball popped out and the security stopped anyone else coming in.. . We had 2 drinks all night as my mate insisted texting /ringing /locating the 'lost' hens. Hotel was full of loud pissed people and had no sleep.
Never
Again.
And had left 3 under 4's at home.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to decline and completely agree that when it’s an abroad hen do, you have to expect that some people won’t be able to make it and some just won’t want to spend that much on a hen do, which is fair enough. Some people enjoy these weekends though and are fortunate to be a me to afford them, as unthinkable as that is to some people on MN.

However, as it’s your sister, I probably wouldn’t say I can’t afford it as there might be an expectation to save up, more so than if it was a friend. I also definitely wouldn’t come at it from the angle of how entitled she is as some people are saying, even though it does seem a lot for a second marriage. I’d say that I’m really disappointed not to make it but I won’t be able to leave DS for that length of time.

That said, it could be a nice break for you if you do want to go and might enjoy it. Could you go for a few days rather than 5? Whenever I’ve been on abroad hen do’s, people have always come for varying lengths of time due to childcare, costs, annual leave etc so maybe that might be an option.

This comment is naive at best.

Fortunately I’m in a comfortable position where I can save plenty every month, but I’m also aware that some people have to watch every single penny, they’ve already cut back everywhere they can and saving is an impossible dream. It’s called a cost of living crisis for good reason.

I wouldn’t want or be able to spend that amount of money on a hen do. I wouldn’t want to leave my daughter for that long either.

My sister is getting married this year and wanted a hen do abroad. She knew, without asking, that I wouldn’t go. And that others may struggle. She has chosen something not too far from where we live, it’s Sunday to Tuesday, so still over nights but not as long or as expensive.

I’ve explained myself above. Not bothering to type it again.

Yes and your explanation was wrong.

Or, you know friends, family, family friend with not much income which, under peer pressure and being guilted 'not to let SelfishCF down', have gone into debt to keep the knobs in their life happy.

Anyone selfish enough to ask people to pay £1500 to come to their hen party is far to selfish to be understanding so I would fully expect her to kick off. It's beyond ridiculous and even more so for a second wedding.

I have no kids, nevermind a disabled one. I disagree with some of the pp who think it’s actually a good idea.

I wouldn’t be wasting my leave or £2k ( i bet costs rise) when you are already spending £1k or there abouts going to the wedding. I’m not a high earner and think there’s a lot of ridiculous money and time spent on shit like this when there is no need. It’s perfectly acceptable to say no, but if we people can’t see your reasoning i think it’s their issue. You could offer alternatives, suggestions and interest in an at home hen do.

YANBU at all, your sister is a massive bridezilla. £700 is a lot to spend on attending a wedding, let alone the further £1500. She’ll be wanting you all to stay at the venue because they will do a deal to make the wedding significantly cheaper if the bride and groom persuade people to fill the rooms, so you will be subsidising the whole shebang.

I wouldn’t feel bad about letting down the woman who clearly has no empathy for your situation with your son (her nephew!). There’s a good chance you could be significantly more out of pocket if your OH doesn’t work for five days, being self-employed.

She may well be worried that if you don’t attend the hen do it will reflect badly on her - it’s not a good optic that she’s done something her sister can’t manage. Expecting anyone to attend an expensive five day hen do demonstrates a really shitty attitude, and she’s probably already had some people say they can’t do it. Life is expensive right now and getting more expensive every day.

If she’s arsey with you, tell her you’ll try and make the next one 🤣

A five day hen party in Ibiza for a second wedding! Absurd! YANBU at all.

In my case they’re not in debt but can prioritise money if need be to where they want it to go. Especially if it’s landmark birthday.

In your viewpoint yes.

How would you KNOW?

No she lives in Manchester too but wants the beach view. The venue does look very nice admittedly, and we have factored the cost of her wedding into our budget. I just don't think £1500+ on top of that for the hen party is reasonable for us to afford and still have money left over for what we want to do ourselves for the year. I'm just glad she didn't choose a destination wedding abroad because I don't think we would have been able to attend at all in that case 😅

TBH, OP, even if you could easily afford it and could easily manage the childcare, most people would certainly have other, probably better, uses for that sort of money.

I’d just tell her straight that because of costs/childcare ON TOP of what you’ll be paying for her wedding, it’s just not possible.
And if she throws a strop, so be it.

You’re refusing to acknowledge that people can’t just find the money if they want to.

YANBU. I don't know about the 'time to save' - you could give me 5 years to save £1500 for a hen but the amount of times I would need to use it for necessities in that period of time would be many. YANBU to not go for any reason at all. Expecting people, including your family, to travel for weddings AND hens is unreal.

Furthermore your £700 estimate for attending the wedding is not the whole picture - once you add on a wedding present, clothes/shoes, drinks, plus the potentially astronomical cost of fuel, it will add up to a lot more.