AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

How could I attend? You didnt read the post I couldnt get a visa in time to even be allowed into the country. The visa wait was 9 months. She gave me 5 months notice. If we could have got visas we all would have gone and be in massive debt

Expecting me to get a consulate to make an exemption is unreasonable

If you select See All in the OP's first post it will just bring up all the OP's updates. Something I do when the thread is very long.

You will be correct. My sister lives there and therefore has no need for visas. We are a small family - only us and my dad who had not been to cuba before so he luckily had a shorter wait than us. She refused to move the date and told me 'make it if you can' then complained when we unfortunately couldnt manipulate government channels! We had no idea when we went to Cuba that this would impact on any visas in the future and when we went my sister lived in the UK anyway. She had only met this man 4 months before she announced the wedding so its not like any of us expected a wedding either (although my sister is definitely the type to be a total bridezilla as proved to be the case).

I have a lovely email from the embassy apologising for the long waits (we applied in May immediately and got an appointment for the following year at the end of january!! So Feb before the passports came through) but they didnt offer any way of bringing the appointment forward. At the time the Internet was full of people complaining about the waits but unless I had got in illegally there was absolutely nothing I could do!

Abbey has made some other inappropriate comments on the thread about the OP showing she has little consideration or empathy for other people's home lives and situations. If she wants to call it BS feel free - its not sadly, i have multiple appointment confirmation and emails as proof otherwise

I think it was pretty obvious to those of us who'd actually read your post properly why you couldn't have managed to get there!

If your sister wanted you at the hen do, she'd change it to accommodate you.

This - far too expensive and your DC should always come first if they don't understand that, l would not bother with them.

If you don't want to go, don't go.
I didn't do my sisters hen night and that was just a night out at an Abba tribute show.
I can't stand Abba or a couple of the people who were also planning to be there, so I simply told her that I didn't want to go.
It didn't affect anything else about the wedding because I was still her MOH.

There are almost hourly flights from airports to Ibiza - could you possibly book into the same hotel for two night or perhaps one, taking an early flight there, and a late flight home?

It would hugely reduce the cost, and allow more balance with childcare.

Flights to Ibiza are short, just a couple of hours, and you would only need hand luggage for a night or two which again will save you a lot of money.

That is a bizarre take. It’s unrealistic to expect a group event to be tailored to one person, even if they are close family.

Who in this day and age expects people to fork out £1500 for a hen holiday and then more money on a second spa weekend hen. She’s sounds like a spoilt 15 yr old rather than a 38 yr old woman on her second round of hens!

I disagree, if you really want someone there for something you go out of your way to make it possible.

Completely fine to decline. you won’t be the only one who cant afford it

Hang on, she’s having a spa weekend as well?

And this is her second wedding?

so she’s had two weddings and three hen dos in just 8 years. She sounds like a dick

dont feel bad. Honestly, dont!

you would expect your sister to be there for you, so it might be nice to do the same in return.

My sister has never offered me any form of support in the last 11 years, and has always been flakey cancelling plans last minute anyway so are you saying I should offer the same thing to her? You seem to think my sister who is getting married has been a very supportive dream sister all this time 😅 we are friendly, but we aren't close and I was pretty much cut off once people didn't want to deal with my life being different/having a child that wasn't your typical "fun cute toddler", which I get because it's hard for them to relate to. But let's not pretend she's been an amazing sister and I'm being a bitch by prioritising my own life over her hen party.

You could easily flip this and say if someone really wants to be there, they’d go out of their way to find a way to be there. It works both ways. With a hen do, there are multiple people to consider so you can’t factor the plans all around one person. For various reasons the OP can’t do a weekend away so how would her sister go out of her way to make it possible for her?

Also some people hate this kind of hen so anyway, so spending 2k to be there and sorting everything at home in advance, partner taking annual leave etc….it’s a massive massive ask. If you don’t want to go, don’t go and don’t feel guilty. I would never ever have expected people to do an abroad hen do!!

its good that you had a second option that was more viable and your sister invited you to that. Hope you have a chance to relax at the spa and have a good time.

Ignore @abbynabby23
They are just being deliberately goady.

I find it incomprehensible that anyone thinks they can demand ordinary earners shell out large sums of money for these events and get affronted when they won’t just because they are getting married. And you can guarantee it would cost more in the end. The attitude towards your child is mean as well. Offer to take her out for a night and don’t feel the least bit guilty.

This - you get no help from your DSis but she expects you to spend a small fortune on her hen party for a second wedding with your DC taking second place, selfish and entitled.

People don't seem to have an idea, of course a distressed disabled child should take priority, you made the effort to attend the wedding with your child which could not have been easy. If your family don't understand that, l would not bother with them, you don't seem to get any help from them OP which must be hard.

Original post ‘severely disabled child’.

I am assuming her first wedding did not last that long if you were looking after your child at that wedding too. Who is to say this one will last any longer, maybe it will but who can say?. With that in mind, I would be very reluctant to spend that much money on another hen do, especially if you aren't keen to go. I wouldn't have enjoyed Ibiza much at 18, let alone now. I think you have a very legitimate reason for not going, if she's upset by that, it says more about her than you, perhaps that's why she's on her second marriage, if she struggles to see things from anyone else's viewpoint and can't compromise.
Don't feel bad about not going, if she cared she would understand.

These destination hen dos !
Whatever happened to having drinks and a meal out in the nearest town / city or even 1 or 2 nights away in a cottage with your sister and girlfriends ?
I wouldn’t go either if I were you , too much £ and too much time away from your disabled child

There’s a lot of ableist comments on this thread. OP, I hope you receive some support with your child’s care, it’s worth approaching the local authority if you haven’t already. Take care